You’ve finally done it. You’ve convinced two wonderful women to have sex with you at the same time. You’re horny as can be, pumped, excited and ready to go… but.. a part of you isn’t. Try as you might, it simply won’t comply. Your brain is screaming “I’m horny god dammit”, but it’s stubbornly saying no.
This is, extremely common.
Why? Just why the f***?
First thing to remember: You can get an erection without being horny and you can be horny without getting an erection. They’re obviously related, but there’s no strict one-to-one here.
I’ve tried this. Most people I know exploring open relationship styles have tried this. Most people have tried it more than once and have strategies for dealing with it. It’s normal and it’s more common when doing threesomes and the like, compared to just regular one-on-one sex.
But – why does it happen? Best I can tell, it happens because you’re so overstimulated and excited you have trouble relaxing. This lack of relaxation in your body makes obtaining an erection borderline impossible, regardless of how horny you feel. You’re horny and anxious at the same time – horny+anxious equals no erection.
How do I fix this?
So, first off, it’s normal and anyone experienced having sex with multiple people will know this. So you’ll probably find many are less judgemental about it than normal sexual encounters. But I know – it sucks. So you want to avoid it in the future. There are things you can do.
Find ways to relax in the moment
The worst thing you can do when experiencing ED is to try to force an erection while getting increasingly frustrated – that’s a surefire way of ensuring it won’t be showing up to the party.
What you need instead is strategies for relaxation if it happens during a sexual encounter. There are many ways to go about this and it will, to a large extent, depend on your specific anxiety and situation.
Say you’re doing a threesome with your partner and a third party. One option some use is to remove the focus from the third person and instead focus only on your regular partner for a short while. The third party can do their thing just fine with your partner, but your only personal focus is on your partner. The familiarity of your regular partner will likely make you relax more, getting you back in your groove.
Another strategy many use, especially in moresomes (sexual encounters with 5 or more people), is to take a step back and remove the penis from the equation. This can be done through, for example, using fingers or a tongue to stimulate someone, rather than your penis. By simply removing it from the active play, yet stil providing pleasure to their partner(s), many find this enables them to relax and get back into it.
Some close their eyes and fantasize about something or remember past experiences. Whatever works to get you relaxed again. Just remember – it’s not about getting an erection. It’s about being relaxed. The erection will come on its own when you’re properly relaxed, horny and getting stimulated.
Get healthier
This likely only applies to some of you, but if you do regularly experience ED and you are not the peak of physical fitness, I would suggest taking a hard look at your health in general. Things like high blood pressure, high cholesterol, low VO2Max (aerobic capacity) and high body weight can all cause erectile dysfunction.
If you know you have obvious improvement points on this front, perhaps try to improve upon them while trying other things. Even if they don’t help with this specific problem, they’ll likely benefit you in a multitude of other ways. For example, it’s generally a whole lot easier to attract new sexual partners if you’re more fit.
Do kegel exercises
Research shows that, just like women, men can benefit from kegel exercises to strenghten their pelvic floor. In fact a study from University of West of England showed that 40% of men regained normal erectile function after 6 months and 35,5% further improved their ability to hold an erection. Only 24,5% showed no improvement.
What are kegel exercises you ask? There are a number of different variations out there, but they’re all about tightening your pelvic floor while being otherwise relaxed and breathing normally. I’m not a physiotherapist, so instead of trying to come up with these exercises from scratch, here’s a professional on YouTube instead:
If you can only do one thing, doing kegel exercises is probably your easiest bet for improving your performance through “natural means”. It’s such an effective tool, there’s even a great book on it in Danish called “From worm to anaconda” – You can buy it here, if you happen to speak Danish.
Drugs
Disclaimer: I am not a medical doctor. The following does not constitute medical advice, but rather just anecdotal personal experience. Ask your doctor about all this stuff and only take my input as inspiration.
In an ideal world, we’d all do the first three things I just mentioned and we’d all have wonderful erections all the time. But in reality, most people are not getting enough exercise, aren’t good at relaxing and won’t remember to do pelvic exercises often enough. So what do you do?
Well… drugs. People take drugs.
Not the fun kind mind you. Nope, the “are you getting old and can’t get it up” variety. How, you might ask? You don’t normally have erectile dysfunction. Only during threesomes. So how do you get the drugs? Online perhaps? Nope.
In general, from the people we know, at least: They’re just honest with their doctors and get a prescription.
Take us for example. Our family doctor knows the basics of what we do. We’ve told him. Specifically because if he doesn’t know what we do, he can’t adequately advice us. Because we told him, he’s been able to continously provide us with the most accurate and relevant advice. One of the things he’s adviced us on: Which drugs to use in which situation.
Sildenafil (Viagra)
Ah the classics. Viagra, the blue bill. More accurately called Sildenafil (the active ingredient). This little wonderful drug is capable of making it easier to obtain and maintain an erection. Sildenafil will not automatically give you a raging hard-on, despite depictions of the drug doing so throughout movies and tv-shows. Instead it will make it easier to get that erection if you’re being sexually stimulated. You’ll also find it easier to maintain that erection, even if you’re a little anxious and even after having climaxed one or two times.
This is probably the most common drug for experienced people to have in their arsenal. It’s not a wonder-drug. If you’re really anxious, it won’t save you. But it’s a good backup drug to have in your arsenal when you need it.
Effects last a few hours, generally 2-4 hours. This will be enough for most short-term activities like threesomes, but likely not enough for full-evening moresomes, orgies or swinger parties. So keep that in mind if you’re taking the drug preemptively – don’t take it so early that you waste the most potent timeperiod when the drug is active, but you’re not. You can take a double dose (100mg) if your doctor says it’s okay, but it generally won’t extend the time period of the effect – only the intensity.
It has quite a few side effects as well and isn’t for everyone – so always consult your doctor. If you can use it, it will be a good candidate for your short-term solution to mitigate potential ED issues.
Tadalafil (Cialis)
Cialis – Viagra’s millennial counterpart. Once called “the weekend drug” by our doctor because the effects last much longer than those of Viagra. Specifically up to 36 hours. Like Sildenafil, it’s not like in the movies where you get a raging boner against your will and you can’t get rid of it. You still need to be stimulated and anxiety can still negate the effects – it’s just a bit easier to achieve what you want.
While sildenafil is a good short-term solution to preempt issues, tadalafil is a good long term solution for bigger events. The effect is less pronounced in my opinion though. It works – no doubt about that. But sildenafil is generally more intense. While taking sildenafil will all but guarantee I can last for hours, over several climaxes, tadalafil does not guarantee the same over 36 hours. The effects are also not equally pronounced over all the 36 hours.
I have both sildenafil and tadalafil in my backup toolbox, but I tend to go more for sildenafil than tadalafil, unless I know my demand will be for more than 4-5 hours on/off.
As with sildenafil – always consult your doctor. I’m not a medical professional.
Honorable mention: Spedra
While sildenafil and tadalafil are the bread and butter of drug backups, there are other newer kids on the block that promise more. One such drug is Spedra.
Spedra works similarly to the other two, but with a more mid-range effectiveness period of 17 hours and a much faster absorption, with the effect taking hold for some after as little as 15 minutes. It’s a pretty good drug. Only one big issue from my perspective though: Price. It’s a lot more expensive than both Sildenafil and Tadalafil – likely because it’s still a commercially branded product, so there’s no generic substitute to push down the price. In contrast Sildenafil pills are barely more expensive than tic tacs.
But if you like the idea of Spedra and don’t mind the cost, talk to your doctor about it. It is a good compromise between the other two drugs. Maybe that’s right for you. Or you can do what we do – have all of them for all the different situations we meet.
At the end of the day – you’ll likely find the solution for you is a combination of all the above fixes. There is no magic pill or perfect solution. All you can do is reduce the risk that you’ll experience ED again. Thankfully, the more experience you have, the less likely the effect is – simply because you’ll learn to relax more while around several sex partners at once.
Attributions
Inline images courtesy of Sander Sammy, Alora Griffiths and Myriam Zilles – thank you.
Post image courtesy of Kalep Tapp – thank you.
