How to find a person for a threesome

So you’ve made the plunge. You’ve decided you want to try expanding on your relationship with a third, perhaps for one night, perhaps for more. Whether you’re expanding with a woman, a man or someone gender non-conforming, your challenge is now the same: How do you find this person?

How hard is this going to be?

Let’s start by setting expectations here. How easy this is going to be greatly depends on what type of person you’re looking for, any relevant close friends or acquentences, as well as your attractiveness. While we often hear that everyone is special and all bodies are beautiful, sadly the random threesome game is a bit more brutal – you’ll simply have an easier time the more attractive you are. Demand is high, while supply is often low, especially if you’re looking for women. Personality, for the most part, is secondary in initially finding a willing candidate (albeit a lot more relevant for repeat experiences).

Here’s what you can expect, dependent on what you’re looking for:

Men

If you’re a couple looking for a man, congratulations, you’re spoiled for choices.

There are a slew of men looking for a threesome experience, who are more than willing to accomodate you. You’ll even often find that you can aim higher than you would normally be able to in the dating market.

So go get that former high-school quarterback you’ve been dreaming of – odds are you can.

Women

If, on the other hand, you’re among the 95%+ of couples who are looking for a woman, it becomes a bit trickier. In polyamory and open relationship lingo, there’s a term for a woman willing to participate in a purely sexual relationship with a couple: A unicorn.

While this implies an elusive being, that’s almost mythical in nature, we can however say, as very experienced unicorn hunters, that unicorns are real, plentiful and not at all that mythical. There are just more men than unicorns – and a lot more unicorn hunters than actual unicorns.

Gender non-conforming

If your only preference is someone gender non-conforming (fluid, non-binary, trans etc.) and you are not yourself “in the same boat”, we would caution you. If you’re cisgender, actively “hunting” for someone gender non-conforming can easily come off as fetishizing – kind of like the white couple actively looking for a black man for no other reason than a cliche about large eggplants. Sure, you can find people who are into this and won’t mind. You’re just likely going to piss off some people along the way. It’s likely not worth the grief. Instead, if you want to experience a threesome with someone gender non-conforming, just change your search criteria to be open to everyone. They’re out there and they may be into you as much as you’re into them.

Where to look?

So where do you look? Well, it depends a bit on your acceptable risk to reward ratio.

Option 1: Find someone online (Low risk|Medium reward)

The classic approach these days is to find an interested person who’s actively searching for a threesome online. You can do this through a number of different sites and apps, for example the highly recommendable app Feeld. This is relatively easy if, for example, it’s a man you’re looking for, but it’s oftentimes significantly harder if it’s a woman.

This may seem to support the unicorn claim. However, a lot more women than it may seem, are actually interested in having a threesome with you.

The reason for this is simple: At any given time, a lot more people want a given thing relative to how many are actively looking for that thing. Think of cake: You may not be hankering enough to actively look for a piece of moist chocolate peanutbutter cake right now – but would you say no if offered? No, right? There are a lot more women out there interested in “cake”, than those actively looking for it at any given time, as illustrated by this beautiful infographic I made:

So the pool of available candidates is significantly reduced when purely relying on online candidates actively looking for threesomes, rather than all the ones actually interested.

So how do you fix this problem? You sign up to platforms actively geared towards threesomes (like Feeld), but also to more classic dating apps like Tinder. Essentially, go where the most people are to tap into the biggest group of people interested in a threesome but not actively looking for it. Be sure to present yourself online as an actual couple actively looking for exactly what you’re actually looking for. If that’s a woman, consider what a woman would be most interested in knowing to determine if she wants to get to know you or not. The details here are probably too much for this post alone, but the main points are these:

1. Show who you actually are
   A fully anonymous “couple looking for woman” with no details about you isn’t going to cut it. She needs to get an idea of what kind of people she’ll be talking to – otherwise why start? There are many couples out there – she’s spoiled for choice and she needs to get an idea of whether she’d have chemistry with you.
2. Show what your bodies actually look like
   No, just showing the beautiful wife isn’t going to cut it. You’re two people. She’s going to have to have sex with the both of you. The couple profile hiding the man beyond the woman until the last minute is one of the biggest clichés out there and it DOES.. NOT.. WORK. Stop doing it!
   If you feel one of you isn’t presentable enough to get the women you want yet, go fix that. While you can’t easily fix what God gave you, dieting, exercise and grooming help. I know that’s not what some couples want to hear, but at the end of the day I’d rather you know the tools to succeed than give you false expectations.
3. Realize she’s “powerfully vulnerable”
   You are two people – she’s just the one. She’ll likely be physically weaker than the man in the couple and definitely weaker than the couple combined. So realize that while she’s spoiled for choice, she’s also taking most, if not all, of the risk. You could be psycho murderers. You should go out of your way to make her both be and feel safe, appreciated and comfortable. Make sure she tells a friend where she’s going to meet you. Do not have unfair expectations. Make sure you have enthusiastic consent. Do not consider her a toy for your amusement. Her purpose is not to serve as your human sextoy – she’s a living, breathing woman with fantasies and desires. Make it at least as much about her as it’s about you – preferably more.

Do all of this and I’d say your odds are pretty decent. As mentioned, we’re experienced “unicorn hunters” and the above points are all things we do – including at one point improving the man’s attractiveness because he got a bit too lazy during the last couple of years of university 😉

Note that points 1-2 above don’t actually mean you can’t be somewhat anonymous online. You don’t have to show your face, nor provide details that would make you easily identifiable – most people respect discretion and actually want it themselves. You just have to show enough to make them curious. You don’t have to be overly sexual or anything. You can seduce them the rest of the way over a more private messaging app like Snapchat, Kik etc.

On the whole, this approach is pretty low risk, as you can be fairly anonymous when looking online. The reward is potentially good, as you can find many great experiences with people you met online. It can be a bit hit n’ miss at times though. We’ve had many great experiences, we’ve had some okay experiences and we’ve had a few bad ones. The quality varies greatly and you need strategies to ensure there’s actually chemistry in real life, not just over Snapchat, Kik or Tinder. During our early days we didn’t have any such strategies, leading to a few awkward sexual experiences.

Option 2: Seduce a friend (High risk|High reward)

Almost all “top threesome tip” lists will tell you having a threesome with a friend is a bad idea. We’re here to tell you those tips are wrong (for the most part).

Granted – This approach is a lot more risky, as it involves actually speaking to people whom know you and essentially asking them to have sex with you and your significant other. It’s one of the those things that, for some, can end their friendships. For others however, it becomes the start of a new and slightly more complicated friends with benefits setup that can span over years, where you will likely have the opportunity to have much more meaningful experiences, than with a stranger. It also lends itself into more poly-type relationships, if you’re into that sort of thing. It’s a bit more permanent though, so if you’re not sure you want to make this a lifestyle rather than a one-time thing, we would recommend keeping it to acquintences rather than close friends. Once you’ve had sex with someone it’s harder to go back to just friends. The risks for lost friendships, jealousy, exposure of your plans to friends, colleagues and family are all there though, so consider if the risk is worth it.

We’ve had great success having sexual relationships with friends and have only tried a couple of times that it backfired and changed the friendship going forward.

Option 3: Go to a sex club (Medium risk|Medium reward)

Another good option, that can actually work quite well, is simply going to a sex club catering for this sort of thing. It’s higher risk than doing it online, as people can actually see you. Your only anonymity is the fact that the other people there probably don’t know you and there are rules against talking about other members outside the clubs. Even so though, if you’re a celebrity and you want to have a little secret threesome, this is probably not the approach for you. Someone will eventually snitch if you’re famous enough.

What clubs to go to will greatly depend on where you live. In Denmark, good choices would be Tucan and CS1/CS2. In something like Berlin, places like KitKatKlub and INSOMNIA are good. Clientel will vary heavily from club to club, with some catering for a young audience, others a more mature one and others again a more fetish-oriented one. We would personally go to Tucan if going for a club, as it has a very young and diverse clientel, which fits our preference. But just take a look at what’s close to you and go visit those clubs. You don’t have to do anything there – you can just visit, watch and go back home inspired, horny or ready for someplace new. After a few visits you’ll probably have a good idea if any of the clubs are the place for you. At that point it’s just like going to any normal club – find someone you’re interested in, approach them and then talk and flirt with them, to see if there’s chemistry. If you’re lucky, you’ll be finding a private room together soon thereafter. We’ve had quite a lot of success this way, albeit it relies on you being able to flirt and charm in person. So consider if that’s the right fit for you – it’s definitely a game favoring extroverts.

We’re of course not familiar with all the good places around the world – if you do know of a good place near you, feel free to leave a comment – we’d love to know.

Now, lastly, you might be thinking: “But Sara, I’m not a swinger”. That’s fine – most people attending aren’t. You don’t become a swinger just because you go to a club where swinging happens, just as you don’t become a pro soccer player just because you went to a stadium or played little league soccer. You’re a swinger if you believe what you’re doing is swinging – swinging doesn’t have a fixed defnition. Some people will call themselves a swinger just because they once kissed another guy than their boyfriend in a club. Others won’t call themselves that unless they’re in a 100% open relationship and their wife regularly bangs all the neighbors. Some won’t ever call themselves swingers because they just don’t like the term and the prejudice attached to it. Bottom line: Drop the labels – it’s not important. You’re just open and sexual individuals. You don’t have to be more specific than that.

Attributions

Post image courtesy of Womenizer Toys – thank you.