You’ve probably wondered. Pondered the question: “Would non-monogamy even work for me?”. Maybe you’re not cut out for it? Maybe it’s unnatural? Maybe you’re just being selfish? Maybe your thoughts are hurting you and the people around you? Doubts and concerns can be a constant companion when considering these things. Good news though: You’re not alone!
Most of us have grown up with monogamous parents, seen movies marketing monogamy, met religions enforcing monogamy and seen tons of collective shame levied on anyone who dared express sexual freedom by having multiple partners. Everyone knows who people considered the “easy girls” at school or who the “player” was among “the boys”. These derogatory (and blatantly sexist) terms are commonly used, especially historically.
Thankfully a lot of this has changed over the last few years, with sex positivity gaining traction, especially among millennials and gen z. But even now, non-monogamy is still a choice that can seem daunting for many.
Here are five signs it might be right for you.
1. You’re attracted to many different people
While magazines might have you believe a good relationship is two people who only have eyes for each other, the reality is everyone is sometimes attracted to more than one person – some people are just more honest with themselves.
If you’re the kind of person who often finds themselves attracted to someone new, whether physically or emotionally, odds are living in monogamy could be an unnecessary limitation on your natural expression. Especially if you find your attraction to your primary partner does not decrease with increased attraction to others.
Essentially, you have a lot more love and affection to give than monogamy enables.
2. You’re experimental in bed
A large portion of the general population are only into vanilla sex with the lights turned off, maybe even borderline missionary style. Some would call this nice, settled, maybe proper even – others would call it extremely boring.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Being part of the latter group and being more experimental does not mean you cannot be monogamous. Plenty of monogamous couples are kinky people within the confines of their closed relationship.
It does however mean, that there is a decent chance that you will eventually want to experiment with something your partner either does not want to or is not able to do. Sure you can ignore it and forgo that experiment. But if you have to do that a lot, it’s likely you would benefit from being more open.
This is actually a very common way in which existing couples decide to open up their relationship to some degree. A single person cannot create a threesome for their partner and someone who just is not dominant cannot fake being it for a BDSM session.
3. You’re prone to FOMO
Are you the kind of person who goes through life regretting the things you said ‘No’ to, way more than the things you said ‘Yes’ to? If so, then you’re probably prone to generalized ‘Fear of Missing Out’ or FOMO.
I’m generally the kind of person who says yes to most things suggested to me – especially if those things just sound objectively fun. Let’s face it: Sex is fun.
Saying yes to more sexual experiences will, for the most part, make your life more fun.
Living in monogamy is self-imposed ‘missing out’ by avoiding sexual or romantic experiences that are available to you, but that you do not act on.
Sure, you can grin and bare it like many monogamous couples do.. or cheat, like probably almost as many do. But rather than be an asshole and have an affair your partner didn’t consent to, you should probably evaluate if you’re okay with forgoing opportunities the rest of your life, or whether you will eventually grow bitter and resentful.
Because yeah, bringing up the idea of an open relationship to your partner could end your relationship then and there, if you’re less than tactful about it. But not doing so and growing resentful of your partner for the rest of your life is not better and will likely lead to an even more bitter breakup down the line.
4. You’re more concerned with your partner’s pleasure than your own
You were probably agreeing with everything up until this point and now you’re like “No – I want to have sex with multiple women. That’s the plan here. My wife’s desires are secondary”
This is a depressingly common train of thought for many couples venturing – usually unsuccessfully – into an open relationship. The reason being caring first and foremost about your own pleasure means your that much more likely to build resentment and jealousy, as well as weaken your primary relationship rather than strengthen it.
Instead focusing on what your partner wants and trying to enable that for them is a much more sustainable way of building a successful open relationship. Yes, this may mean that the husband doesn’t get to fuck three woman on his own straight away, because his wife isn’t comfortable enabling that yet. But they can take baby steps there by first starting with perhaps a threesome or even just him kissing with another girl.
He should then reciprocate by trying to think what his wife wants and try to enable that for her, within the boundaries of what he’s currently comfortable with.
For some, this constant focus on what your partner desires comes naturally. Those people are likely to be good at non-monogamy and likely to thrive as a primary couple.
Others can learn to do this as well, but will have to work more at it. So don’t lose hope if your not there quite yet.
5. You’re highly adaptive
Living in a non-monogamous relationship is a highly dynamic lifestyle that requires a high degree of adaptability from all parties.
If you’re set in your ways, highly principled and/or adverse to change, odds are you won’t be good at handling all the times you have to self-reflect and change, or when you have to adapt your thinking or plans to accommodate your partner(s).
Essentially, being in a non-monogamous relationship means you can never really settle or “get comfortable”. You’re constantly in that ‘dating phase’ where you have to care about how you present yourself, your health, your personality and just basically striving to be overall likable.
At the same time, you have to adapt to changes in how your partner(s) behave. They will change, try to improve themselves, meet new people that’ll influence them and they may even grow to have new interests or kinks that they didn’t get from you or that you don’t approve of. Coping with that requires a high degree of adaptability and mental fortitude.
Bottom line: Unlike a lot of long-term monogamous married couples, you won’t grow stagnant and can continue to grow.
If that sounds like an ideal way to live, perhaps non-monogamy is right for you.
Attributions
Post image courtesy of We-Vibe Toys – thank you.
