Wherever you’re at: opening up a relationship is thrilling, terrifying, and weirdly intimate – sometimes all at once. Done thoughtfully, it can deepen what you already have. Done badly, it’s a fast-track to couples therapy or divorce. Sometimes both.

We’re going to be honest with you: most couples that try to open up don’t end up in a happy place. Not because non-monogamy is the problem, but because they rush, they assume, they negotiate from a place of pressure, or they treat the whole thing like a single conversation rather than an ongoing one.

Here are five things that will dramatically improve your odds.

1. Start with yourself before you start with your partner

Before you say a single word to your partner, sit with yourself for a while. Like, actually sit. Not “think about it while doing the dishes” sit, but properly think about what’s drawing you toward this.

Ask yourself:

• What do I actually want? Sex with other people? Romance with other people? Freedom from the idea of “forever-exclusive”? All three?
• Is this about something I’m missing, or something I want to add?
• If my partner said yes tomorrow, what would I want to do first? What would I dread?
• Could I handle my partner doing the same things I want to do? Honestly?

That last one is the gut-check most people skip. Non-monogamy almost always goes both ways. If your fantasy involves you having sex with three new women while your wife knits at home, you’re not actually looking for non-monogamy – you’re looking to cheat with permission. Those couples blow up fast.

If you’re still not sure non-monogamy is for you at all, start here: Five Signs Non-Monogamy Is Right for You.

2. Talk with your partner – properly

This is the big one. Do NOT wing this conversation.

Walk into it with an idea, a plan, and a mental list of possible reactions. Pick a calm time when you’re both fed, not stressed, and have hours – not minutes – to talk. Sunday morning over coffee, not Tuesday night between Netflix and bed.

Before you bring it up, do one more thing: imagine the conversation from their side. Why would they want to open up your relationship? What’s in it for them – genuinely?

• If the only motivation you can come up with is “because they want to make me happy”, you’re going to fail.
• If you can’t imagine it from their perspective at all, you’re going to fail.
• If you walk in without a plan for “hell no”, you’re going to fail.

Expect feelings. Lots of them. Sadness, jealousy, anger, hurt, panic, maybe even relief. Expect questions. Maybe yelling. Maybe long silences. Maybe “Are you saying I’m not enough for you?”. That last one is the most important to prepare for – because culture has trained all of us to read “I want more” as “you’re not enough”, even when it’s nothing like that.

Make it crystal clear that this isn’t you pulling away. This is you wanting to grow together. Reassure in words and reassure in actions. Your relationship doesn’t suddenly get less interesting because you’re talking about expanding it – often the opposite.

You’re also probably not having just one talk. If your partner doesn’t shut it down on the spot, you’ll likely be talking about this over days, weeks, sometimes months. Some of those talks will be productive. Some will be arguments. Some will be tearful 1:00 AM conversations on the kitchen floor. Pour the same care into all of them – if you bring your A-game to the easy ones and your worst self to the hard ones, you’ll undo your own work in a single fight.

And give it time. You may have had months or years to sit with this idea. Your partner just got handed it five minutes ago. Be patient.

If threesomes are specifically what’s on your wish list, there are dedicated guides for that conversation:

• 5 Ways to Talk to Your Partner About Having a Threesome
• How to Convince Your Wife or Girlfriend to Have a Threesome

3. Figure out what “open” actually means to you

Here’s a thing nobody tells you: “open relationship” is one of the vaguest phrases in modern dating.

Ask 100 couples in open-style relationships what theirs looks like, and you’ll get 100 different answers. Some only play together as a couple. Some allow casual sex with singles but no dating. Some are fully poly, with multiple romantic partners and shared calendars that look like NASA mission control. Some have abandoned relationship structures entirely and call themselves relationship anarchists.

None of these are wrong. But you need to figure out which version you’re actually signing up for.

Some questions worth working through together:

• Are we playing together, apart, or both?
• One-time hookups, ongoing partners, or full second relationships?
• How much do we tell each other? Names, details, photos, nothing at all?
• Do we need each other’s explicit consent for each new partner, or is it more “tell me afterwards”?
• Overnight stays – yes or no?
• How are we going to handle sexual health and STI testing?

If that list feels overwhelming, don’t try to answer it in one sitting. You won’t. We didn’t.

The trick is to start with desires, not boundaries. Each of you writes your individual desires down separately, you swap lists, and then you negotiate. Boundaries built on top of desires you’ve actually voiced are way more stable than boundaries you set blind.

We have whole posts dedicated to this part – honestly the most useful reading you can do at this stage:

• How to Negotiate Boundaries in an Open Relationship
• How to Handle Imbalance in an Open Relationship
• What Is Cheating in an Open Style Relationship?

The cheating one is the one people assume they don’t need to read and absolutely do. Open relationships do not eliminate cheating – they just change what it looks like.

4. Take baby steps – then talk about how they felt

You don’t have to be perfect at this on day one. You don’t have to be perfect at it on year one either. (We’re 20+ years into this and we still get it wrong sometimes.)

The trick is to take the smallest step that moves you both toward what you want, then stop and check in. Then take the next smallest step. Then check in again.

Some good starter experiments:

• A long, slow conversation about a fantasy one of you has never said out loud
• Going to a swingers club as observers, with zero pressure to do anything
• Setting up a couple’s dating profile but not messaging anyone yet
• Going on a “date with no expectations” with someone you both already know and find attractive

Expect some of these to go sideways. They will. Bear in mind that opening up is hard even for experienced couples. It’s surprisingly common for one of you to think you communicated a boundary clearly, and the other to walk away with a completely different understanding of what you just agreed to.

That’s not failure. That’s the entire point of starting small – you catch the mismatches before they become a crisis.

What matters most is the conversation after the experiment:

• What felt good?
• What was harder than you expected?
• What needs adjusting?
• Do we want to do it again – or try something different?

If you’ve reached the stage where you’re actually meeting new people, these are worth bookmarking:

• How to Safely Meet New Sex Partners
• How to Check for Chemistry With New Sex Partners
• Best Ice Breakers for Sex With New Partners

5. Expect feelings – and keep it playful

Jealousy, excitement, insecurity, joy, possessiveness, compersion, awkwardness, horniness – sometimes all in the same evening. That’s just Tuesday in a new open-style relationship.

Feeling jealous doesn’t mean you’re failing. It usually just means you need reassurance, clarity, or a bit more connection with your primary. Bring it up early instead of letting it stew. The thing about jealousy is that it almost never disappears on its own – and it almost always becomes manageable once it’s been said out loud.

Sexual health worries are real too, especially as you move toward group settings. We’ve covered both the medical risk and the awkward-physical-stuff side:

• The Risk of STIs With Open Relationships
• Erectile Dysfunction During a Threesome or More

And here’s the thing that’s easy to forget when you’re knee-deep in serious conversations: this is supposed to be fun.

The whole reason to do any of this is because you want more pleasure, more connection, and more aliveness in your life. If every conversation is heavy and every experiment feels anxious, you’ve drifted off course somewhere. Flirt with each other again. Send each other ridiculous fantasies over text. Make a dirty Christmas wishlist. Try a sex board game like Loveretto. Tease each other about the people you’re attracted to, instead of pretending not to notice them.

A non-monogamous relationship that’s all talk and no play is just a long, exhausting meeting about sex you’re not having.

The bottom line

Opening your relationship is not a single decision. It’s a long, occasionally messy, frequently hot, ongoing conversation between two people (or more) who love each other enough to renegotiate the rules.

If you:

• Reflect honestly on what you actually want
• Communicate clearly and often
• Build boundaries around desires rather than fear
• Take small steps and talk about them afterwards
• Stay curious about each other’s feelings

…you’ve got a real shot at this.

You don’t have to get it perfect. You just have to stay open with each other.

We’re rooting for you..

Most of us have grown up with monogamous parents, seen movies marketing monogamy, met religions enforcing monogamy and seen tons of collective shame levied on anyone who dared express sexual freedom by having multiple partners. Everyone knows who people considered the “easy girls” at school or who the “player” was among “the boys”. These derogatory (and blatantly sexist) terms are commonly used, especially historically.

Thankfully a lot of this has changed over the last few years, with sex positivity gaining traction, especially among millennials and gen z. But even now, non-monogamy is still a choice that can seem daunting for many.

Here are five signs it might be right for you.

1. You’re attracted to many different people

While magazines might have you believe a good relationship is two people who only have eyes for each other, the reality is everyone is sometimes attracted to more than one person – some people are just more honest with themselves.

If you’re the kind of person who often finds themselves attracted to someone new, whether physically or emotionally, odds are living in monogamy could be an unnecessary limitation on your natural expression. Especially if you find your attraction to your primary partner does not decrease with increased attraction to others.

Essentially, you have a lot more love and affection to give than monogamy enables.

2. You’re experimental in bed

A large portion of the general population are only into vanilla sex with the lights turned off, maybe even borderline missionary style. Some would call this nice, settled, maybe proper even – others would call it extremely boring.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Being part of the latter group and being more experimental does not mean you cannot be monogamous. Plenty of monogamous couples are kinky people within the confines of their closed relationship.

It does however mean, that there is a decent chance that you will eventually want to experiment with something your partner either does not want to or is not able to do. Sure you can ignore it and forgo that experiment. But if you have to do that a lot, it’s likely you would benefit from being more open.

This is actually a very common way in which existing couples decide to open up their relationship to some degree. A single person cannot create a threesome for their partner and someone who just is not dominant cannot fake being it for a BDSM session.

3. You’re prone to FOMO

Are you the kind of person who goes through life regretting the things you said ‘No’ to, way more than the things you said ‘Yes’ to? If so, then you’re probably prone to generalized ‘Fear of Missing Out’ or FOMO.

I’m generally the kind of person who says yes to most things suggested to me – especially if those things just sound objectively fun. Let’s face it: Sex is fun.

Saying yes to more sexual experiences will, for the most part, make your life more fun.

Living in monogamy is self-imposed ‘missing out’ by avoiding sexual or romantic experiences that are available to you, but that you do not act on.

Sure, you can grin and bare it like many monogamous couples do.. or cheat, like probably almost as many do. But rather than be an asshole and have an affair your partner didn’t consent to, you should probably evaluate if you’re okay with forgoing opportunities the rest of your life, or whether you will eventually grow bitter and resentful.

Because yeah, bringing up the idea of an open relationship to your partner could end your relationship then and there, if you’re less than tactful about it. But not doing so and growing resentful of your partner for the rest of your life is not better and will likely lead to an even more bitter breakup down the line.

4. You’re more concerned with your partner’s pleasure than your own

You were probably agreeing with everything up until this point and now you’re like “No – I want to have sex with multiple women. That’s the plan here. My wife’s desires are secondary”

This is a depressingly common train of thought for many couples venturing – usually unsuccessfully – into an open relationship. The reason being caring first and foremost about your own pleasure means your that much more likely to build resentment and jealousy, as well as weaken your primary relationship rather than strengthen it.

Instead focusing on what your partner wants and trying to enable that for them is a much more sustainable way of building a successful open relationship. Yes, this may mean that the husband doesn’t get to fuck three woman on his own straight away, because his wife isn’t comfortable enabling that yet. But they can take baby steps there by first starting with perhaps a threesome or even just him kissing with another girl.

He should then reciprocate by trying to think what his wife wants and try to enable that for her, within the boundaries of what he’s currently comfortable with.

For some, this constant focus on what your partner desires comes naturally. Those people are likely to be good at non-monogamy and likely to thrive as a primary couple.

Others can learn to do this as well, but will have to work more at it. So don’t lose hope if your not there quite yet.

5. You’re highly adaptive

Living in a non-monogamous relationship is a highly dynamic lifestyle that requires a high degree of adaptability from all parties.

If you’re set in your ways, highly principled and/or adverse to change, odds are you won’t be good at handling all the times you have to self-reflect and change, or when you have to adapt your thinking or plans to accommodate your partner(s).

Essentially, being in a non-monogamous relationship means you can never really settle or “get comfortable”. You’re constantly in that ‘dating phase’ where you have to care about how you present yourself, your health, your personality and just basically striving to be overall likable.

At the same time, you have to adapt to changes in how your partner(s) behave. They will change, try to improve themselves, meet new people that’ll influence them and they may even grow to have new interests or kinks that they didn’t get from you or that you don’t approve of. Coping with that requires a high degree of adaptability and mental fortitude.

Bottom line: Unlike a lot of long-term monogamous married couples, you won’t grow stagnant and can continue to grow.

If that sounds like an ideal way to live, perhaps non-monogamy is right for you.

Attributions

Post image courtesy of We-Vibe Toys – thank you.

Yes, it’s that time of year again. Time for Christmas lights, gifts, stuffing stockings and spreading joy. If you’re like us, one of the key difficulties during Christmas is picking out the right gifts for people. Even if they’re good at writing wishlists, gift-giving can at times seem like a complicated mutual exchange of monetary value through unnecessary purchases.

Add to this a shared household economy, giving gifts to your partner(s) as an adult may start to seem a bit pointless. A lot of couples fall into the trap of just giving each other practical things they would have bought anyway. That’s not what Christmas is about.

We’re here to tell you about a better way. Give your partner(s) dirty gifts for Christmas.

The secret dirty wishlist

Sure, you need to keep up the facade of boring normalcy, so have a normal wishlist with normal boring wishlist stuff.. socks, books and stuff. Distribute that thing to all the normies.

But apart from this, we suggest you and your Christmas-happy sexual partners, make secret dirty wishlists for Christmas. What should you put on your secret dirty wishlists? Glad you asked – here are a number of options, in increasing difficulty.

Sex toys

Face it. You likely have sex toys you’d love to receive for Christmas, but there’s no way in hell you’re adding that to a wishlist you’re sending to your mom.

Being a sex-positive family is great an all, but it gets super awkward when your family member is indirectly responsible for your next orgasm.

So instead of going through all that trauma, add the sex toys you want to your secret dirty wishlist instead. People who are usually responsible for your next orgasm will gladly buy assistance for it.

One-on-one experiences

Ever wanted your partner to do that one dirty thing to you, but you’ve been reluctant to bring it up in the moment?

Instead of going through the awkwardness of asking in the moment for something your partner may not be into and getting this reaction, add it to your dirty Christmas wishlist instead.

Sure, she may still not be into it, in which case she’s probably not going to give you that gift. But maybe – just maybe – this is the year you get to try out that Furry sex you’ve been dreaming about.

These are a few of the real one-on-one experiences we’ve had on our wishlists the past years:

You can take these wishes as far as your kinkyness can carry you. Believe me – our full lists have some seriously kinky stuff on there as well (no, I’m not sharing that ).

The beauty of gifting one-on-one experiences like this is that it’s gifts that are free, easy to do, fully unique, encourage exploration together and that you know the recipient genuinely wants. Soo much better than socks.

So are we suggesting you gift this sort of experience on Christmas eve or Christmas morning? No.. obviously not. That would just be super awkward for everyone else there
We personally allocate +/- 1 month around Christmas as the official “Dirty Christmas Gift” period. Any time during that period is fair game for a dirty surprise.

Arranged experiences

The last category of gift we put on our dirty Christmas wishlists is simultaneously one of the most fun, but also the hardest to successfully give.

It’s quite similar to the category before in that it’s sexual experiences. What ramps up the difficulty significantly is that it involves other people. Sometimes named people, sometimes unnamed.

I’m gonna be honest. Gifting these kinds of experiences usually require you to have a bit of a network of sexual partners who are up for fun experiences. But assuming you have that or you’re good at Tinder, you can create some seriously special Christmas memories.

Here are some examples from our dirty wishlists over the years (we’ve removed specific names – for obvious reasons):

You might be wondering – So how likely is it to actually arrange these? Well, all the examples above aren’t just wishes. They’re wishes fulfilled. So if you have enough of a network and a bit of persistence, it’s definitely possible.

Just as with any other experience with other people though, remember to focus on why this would benefit them rather than why it would benefit you. They are not props in your sexual experiences. While it should be a gift for your partner, you should really also aim at making it a gift for them. Otherwise they’re unlikely be to interested.

For example, instead of trying to get a random woman to agree to be dominated by Sara in front of me, she suggested it to a woman she knew had a fetish for submission and wanted to explore being submissive to a woman. So while it was a gift for me, it was simultaneously also a gift for her really.

Do that, and your odds of a hot and dirty Christmas are quite good.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Attributions

Featured photo by Nina Mercado on Unsplash

Whether it’s ethical non-monogamy, swinging or even sometimes polyamory, most normal people in open-style relationships are worried about the social backlash if “exposed” and as such generally choose to stay semi-anonymous or fully avoid speaking publicly.

Choosing to outwardly maintain a facade of monogamy, while inwardly doing anything but. In fact, we are ourselves guilty of this, for the same reasons. We are not fully public.

So while most of us stay hidden and don’t publicly show the way forward, some shining beacons of light do exist on Instagram.

Here are some of the accounts we actively follow and think you should too if you’re interested in open relationships.

Sarah Stroh (@monogamish_me)

Let’s just start by stating the obvious: Sarah is badass.

She’s openly non-monogamous, polyamorous and currently (at time of writing) even pregnant – while still actively practicing non-monogamy.

She’s also incredible open and honest, even when her thoughts and opinions are going to seriously provoke hardcore monogamists and the more conservative crowd.

That’s really putting yourself out there for all to see and all the crazies to attack.

But here’s the thing – that’s not really what you see if you check out her Instagram.

Sure, there are some negative people on there attacking her, calling her selfish and all kinds of things. But the vast majority of the comments she gets are from people who feel represented and who support her.

You’ll also find her content is incredible varied. Check out this post about being a “surprise unicorn” when you thought you were hooking up with a guy:

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Sarah Stroh (@monogamish_me)

Or this incredibly honest post about how she recognizes her occasional feelings of jealousy and anger, are sometimes motivated by wanting to be a victim and wanting attention, rather than strengthening their shared relationship:

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A post shared by Sarah Stroh (@monogamish_me)

In many ways, we identity a lot with Sarah and how she does things. All in all, she has a lot of good stuff. You should really check her out on Instagram and on her other platforms linked here.

Elizabeth Cunningham (@elzcunningham)

Yet another wonderful woman on Instagram, sharing her life as a queer polyamorous woman.

Elizabeth, like Sarah, has a lot content available (including an OnlyFans for you dirty people out there .. looking at you Carl), but unlike Sarah it is mostly centered around polyamory specifically.

This is especially interesting for us, as this is a quite different take on non-monogamy than what we usually do. As such, following Elizabeth provides new insights for us on a subject we personally don’t know enough about. Elizabeth broadens our horizons.

While we do consider ourselves “poly-ish”, and have had instances of more emotional connections with third parties both together and apart, it is not a primary defining feature of our relationship, nor the way we generally practice non-monogamy. This is an avenue where we have room to grow.

Historically, we’ve been a lot more about sexual exploration together and apart. Sharing pleasure and experiences with different people. In contrast again, Elizabeth has never attended a sex party of any kind and seems primarily motivated by the act of romantically dating multiple people, rather than sex:

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A post shared by Elizabeth Cunningham (@elzcunningham)

Also check out this post where she describes how she realized she was polyamorous:

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A post shared by Elizabeth Cunningham (@elzcunningham)

All in all, as with Sarah, Elizabeth has a lot of good stuff. Check her out on Instagram or any of her other platforms linked here (yes – her OnlyFans link is also in there Carl.. you dirty bastard)

Jen & Marc (@jenandmarc1)

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Et opslag delt af Jen and Marc (@jenandmarc1)

Jean and Marc are objectively a fun and inspiring couple who are open about being swingers, or a “lifestyle couple” as many also call it. Admittedly perhaps stretching the concept of “normal people” seeing as they were both on UK Channel 4’s Open House: The Great Sex Experiment, a TV-show about couples trying out open relationships.

Why did we include them then? Because for one: They’re objectively funny:

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A post shared by Jen and Marc (@jenandmarc1)

And two, despite mostly sharing thirst traps and skits, a lot of their content also shares real insights into how it’s like living as a lifestyle couple and the stigma certain parts of society can put upon this sort of lifestyle:

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A post shared by Jen and Marc (@jenandmarc1)

… also this one felt incredibly relatable… sigh:

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A post shared by Jen and Marc (@jenandmarc1)

All in all – Jen & Marc are awesome. Hoping to see them back for season 3 of Open House: The Great Sex Experiment, when it hopefully airs at some point. Give them a follow and check out their other stuff linked here (yes Carl – there’s also an OnlyFans link there.. god dammit dude)

Here are six things you should be doing to stay safe when meeting new partners for sex, either before or during.

1. Be sure they’re being real

When meeting new sex partners online, it’s essential to ensure that they’re being real and not catfishing or misleading you. Ideally people wouldn’t be assholes, but sadly the world isn’t ideal and assholes are abundant.

While a lot of people are just assholes, there are also some people out there who are downright dangerous assholes. The stabby / kill-y / Jeffrey Dahmer types. We especially want to avoid those people.

Some common assholes you’ll meet online:

Asshole #1 – Fake women/couples

One incredible common scenario is men masquerading as women or “couples” who turn out to actually just be the guy using old pictures of him with his ex.

Fake profiles of men probably also happen, although in our experience they’re significantly less common. It’s usually a guy pretending to be a woman or a couple.

For the most part these people thankfully won’t actually agree to meet up. Their intent is instead usually to get you to dirty talk with them and share sexual pictures of you.

As soon as you ask them to verify they are who they say they are, they’ll cut communication or make obvious excuses, e.g., “My phone is in the shop” or “I can’t seem to get my webcam working”.

Using the first few strategies outlined in How to check for chemistry with new sex partners will usually do the trick.

Asshole #2 – Fake looks

Another common scenario is people using either fake, manipulated or old pictures.

Some people really like the look they had that day back in senior year of college. Only problem is they’re now 37. That picture is hardly representative of their looks anymore.

Thankfully, this is another one that’s easily catched using the first few strategies outlined in How to check for chemistry with new sex partners

Asshole #3 – Fake situation

Yet another common scenario are people who are technically who they say they are in the most superficial of terms, but they’re lying about crucial details in their life.

The most obvious example of this is someone who’s in a monogamous relationship, yet claiming they’re single or in an open relationship.

Sure, you could adopt the opinion that that’s not your problem. But, even putting morals aside, I would argue that being the center of a potential relationship drama is always ill-adviced. Some of these assholes will also have dangerous asshole partners with frail egos and weapons. They may not agree with you that it wasn’t your problem. Essentially:

Don’t screw cheating assholes. They may have jealous dangerous asshole partners.

How do you avoid this? Admittedly, this can be hard. The best way is to do a bit of background research. I know people say it’s rude to Google dates… But I don’t care! Google them!!

In fact, ideally you should do a full-on dedicated background check, if you can. Trawl through Facebook and Instagram to find their profiles, either using their names or their profile picture. Search Google for any old websites they frequented or references to their names from high school websites, events and the like.

You want to verify as much information about them as you possibly can, to reduce the risk that you’re unwittingly made part of a situation you don’t want to be or lied to about details that are important to you.

It’s usually also during these backgrounds checks that you might discover some things that are just.. well… sketchy.

Asshole #4 – Just sketchy

You know that little uneasy feeling in the back of your head. Trust that. If something doesn’t feel right about a person, it’s usually because something isn’t right.

Can’t find any trace of their identity online? Yeah, that’s a red flag.

They seem to be writing a whole lot on incel forums on Reddit, huh? Yeah, that’s a big red flag.

Found a former arrest for DUI or assault? Yeah, that’s a giant freakin’ red flag.

Now, of course, many of these results could likely be explained away. Maybe that arrest was from a misspent youth and this person has since turned around? Maybe they work in a government agency and isn’t allowed an online presence? There could be many excuses, some better than others.

At the end of the day though, don’t feel pressured into meeting someone in person if you’re not comfortable – even if they have excuses.

Either take your time to get to know them well enough that you do feel comfortable or drop them outright now. If a potential partner gets mad because you want to get to know them better first before meeting, that’s a giant red flag in and of itself.

Essentially: Trust your gut! That’s the most crucial way in which you stay safe.

2. Ask about STI status and risky behaviour

Meeting new sex partners is risky.

They have history. You have history.

With accumulated history comes accumulated risk of having contracted some sexually transmitted infections (STI / STD) over the years.

Some experienced people will combat this by doing regular STI testing through a free clinic or their family doctor. Other’s will live with the very false impression that they’re infection free simply because they haven’t felt any symptoms.

When engaging with new potential sex partners, you need to be aware of how they approach the risk of STIs. If they’re testing regularly, that’s obviously ideal, regardless of how experienced they are. If, on the other hand, they’re not testing simply because “they haven’t had symptoms”, that’s a red flag – especially if they’re experienced. Lack of symptoms is not a good indicator of STI status, as many infections don’t present with symptoms unless very progressed.

Less experienced people or people getting out of a long term relationship are obviously less of a risk here, so it’s usually no big deal if they haven’t been tested recently.

Regular testing is NOT a silver bullet

While we highly recommend regular testing for common STIs, you do need to realize that doing this will not prevent all infections.

You’re likely not going to test after every single encounter with every single partner. You may have been infection free just yesterday, but your encounter with Emily today just gave you an infection you won’t test for until your next scheduled doctor’s appointment.

Even if you did test after each encounter, some infections can’t be detected straight away, even though you’ve been infected. Most things are contagious way before they’re detectable.

As a result, you should always view STI testing as a risk reduction strategy, not a perfect protection. It’s more about preventing harm from prolonged exposure to an STI than preventing the infection in and of itself.

In fact, there are no perfect protections against STIs and realistically you either already have one (HPV – most likely) or you will get one eventually. Thankfully, apart from a few ones, they’re usually no big deal and very treatable. The stigma surrounding STIs is usually a lot worse than the infection itself.

You can read more about the general risk of STIs here: The Risk of Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI) with Open Relationships.

How do I ask about a new partner’s STI test status?

The best strategy in my experience: Offer up yours.

This will usually result in them reciprocating. At least most of the time.

Beyond the test status in itself, you should tell them basic information about your sexual history and activity.

As I said, you both have history and some have more than others. Neither of you need to share all of that, but you do need to share any potential consequences of that history. Essentially you should share enough to make your partner(s) able to determine what their risk is in meeting up with you for sex.

For example, you should share the extent to which you’re having unprotected sex with changing partners.

Finally, if you’re having any symptoms of an STI, you need to get a doctor to check that out before making any agreement to meet up.

What if they don’t share back?

Ask, but be prepared for the likely scenario that they haven’t been tested.

Not being tested can be fine, under certain circumstances. It really depends on their history. In some cases it may just be down to inexperience. So be curious, not judgemental. They’re not on trial and they may just be new to all this.

Now, if however they hear your question and immediately react defensively – that is a red flag. Being asked about their test status should not result in a tantrum or argument. Nor should it result in them claiming they don’t have to test because they’re immune, they don’t have symptoms or STIs aren’t relevant. If your potential partner has this sort of reaction – drop them. immediately.

All that being said, while STI test results are recommended, please do recognize that even the vigilant testers don’t get them done often enough to be much of a guarantee. So again, see them as a risk-reduction strategy, not a silver bullet.

Reliance on STI test results for safety is always dangerous, as they’re a snapshot of what was detectable at the time of testing – not what’s there now, nor necessarily even what was there back then.

3. Talk about boundaries

All sex requires consent.

Your idea of a good time, might not be the same as any new partner’s idea.

The only way you to ensure you both have a good time is by discussing turn-ons and boundaries beforehand. This includes, but is not limited to, any hard and soft limits – e.g., no bondage (hard limit) or no breath play, unless I ask (soft limit).

The reason hard and soft limits isn’t enough though is that most people are usually not experienced enough to cover all possible kinks some new partner might want to try. For some just giving oral is novel, while for others it’s perfectly normal to spit in the other partner’s mouth during sex (yes – a very common BDSM thing among dominant partners). An inexperienced person will likely not know that getting spat in their mouth is a hard limit until it happens, because they didn’t think it could happen.

Ideally, both partners should be aware of each other’s experience levels and therefore ask about performing certain kinks before trying them “in the heat of the moment”. For example, the dominant guy should ideally ask before spitting in the girl’s mouth or spanking her, rather than just assuming she’d be into that.

In reality though, this is often not what happens. In the heat of the moment, they’re both too enraptured to talk limits and even if the dominant guy asks, the girl will likely be too horny and submissive in the moment to truly consider whether she wants him to do a certain thing or not. Essentially – it’s the wrong time to have that discussion.

How to explore boundaries through dirty talking

Instead of trying to determine boundaries in the heat of the moment, I would generally recommend taking an exploratory approach to talking about boundaries beforehand.

A good starting point for that is of course talking about any hard and soft limits you’re aware of.

A second step, in my opinion, is to dirty talk about sex with this new partner using scenarios you would normally engage in or turn you on. So, for example, if you’re the kind of dominant guy who likes holding your partners down, fucking them and spitting in their mouths – try to dirty talk about that. You’ll pretty quickly get an idea of whether or not she’s into that.

Obviously, start slow with this dirty talking approach. If you’re a dominant woman, don’t go straight for “I like pegging every man I meet with a 10 inch dildo”. Instead suggest a scenario in which you play with their ass with a finger or something like that. Build up slowly until you find the hard or soft limit. Often, through this proces, you’ll find a lot of soft limits where your partner has no experience with that particular kink, but is curious enough to perhaps want to try it with you in the moment. In many cases, this will include kinks you would never have dared assume someone was into, but by discussing it beforehand you’ve found common ground and can explore together.

Not only will dirty talking improve your mutual understanding of each others hard and soft limits, it’ll likely also get you both that much hornier and eager to meet up.

What if we’re really bad at dirty talking?

If you’re having a hard time finding subjects to dirty talk about or just really don’t like that approach, you can try determining boundaries more formally.

One way is to use a kink test, like the BDSM kink test. You can either go through the test together, talking about each question, or you can do it separately and talk about your results. These were my results as of today:

Now, does this result tell you exactly what my hard and soft limits are? No. But it creates a starting point for discussing it. For example, say you noticed my Dominant score was 79%, yet my Sadist and Rigger scores were only 44% and 49% respectively. A natural question could now be “If you’re not spanking or tying me up, how would you be dominant towards me?”.

Equally, you could perhaps have a fantasy about normally being submissive and then turning the tables on your partner during play and forcing them to be submissive – essentially some form of revenge power play. With a switch like me, that would be very doable, whereas for someone more strictly dominant, that would likely be a hard or soft limit that person hasn’t considered before.

Conversely, a seemingly “always dominant guy” may in fact actually be a switch, but has just never been presented with the opportunity to be submissive given their former partners. So sharing these kinds of results can present new opportunities to explore together, without having to actively dirty talk about them or have them happen organically.

The nuclear option: Go/No-go lists

As a final option, I should mention one more suggestion if you’re extra concerned about consent or if you know that you’re both going to be exploring more non-traditional sex together.

In the BDSM community, most people use go/no-go lists to communicate kinks, experience, hard limits and soft limits. Essentially, if it’s not on the list, it’s always considered a limit and you have to fully respect the list at all times.

If you ever go to a BDSM event of any kind, odds are you’ll be filling one of those lists out and carrying it around with you. They’re usually pretty exhaustive and elaborate, describing not only your desire to be spanked, but also what tools are acceptable to use to spank you.

Bad Girl’s Bible has a good one on their site that’ll cover most things. You can find it through the last link there or directly here.

I don’t generally recommend going this formal, as I don’t think it’s needed for most encounters. It’ll also likely scare inexperienced people away.

That being said, your situation may warrant it. If in doubt, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

4. Meet somewhere safe

Let’s assume you’ve now determined that A) they are who they say they are; B) they take appropriate precautions; C) you know each other’s boundaries; and hopefully also D) you have chemistry with them, perhaps using the strategies suggested in How to check for chemistry with new sex partners.

Now you need to set a time and a place. This is where it gets tricky, because where do you meet?

There are number of options, some riskier than others.

Meeting in public (not a real option)

If you ask most people, they’d probably say meet in public, for example at a bar or a restaurant.

However, this doesn’t really solve your problem as most bars generally don’t let you have sex in them. So you will eventually have to go somewhere else if you intend to actually have sex.

So that doesn’t really keep you safe beyond knowing that the person you’ve met is in fact who they said they were.

That being said, there’s nothing wrong with starting the night in a public place – as long as you have a plan for afterwards.

Meeting in a sex club or swingers club

This option is without a doubt the safest option by far. Not only will you be in a semi-public setting where sex is allowed, it’ll usually also have security staff in case the person you’re with turns out to be dangerous or disrespectful. If you yell for help, someone will be there within seconds, even if you’re in a private room.

On top of that, neither of you will get to know where each other lives and you could even go so far as to keep interactions more anonymous, seeing as the sex club provides security limiting the need to fully vet your partner’s identity.

Depending on your country however, just casually going to a sex club to meet up with someone you met online may not be feasible. Either it’s not available, not allowed, it’s expensive or it’s just culturally frowned upon to the point where you can’t suggest that without being labeled as something you’re uncomfortable with. Perhaps you’re also not comfortable with the idea of someone knowing you’re having casual sex, even if you don’t know those people.

If you are up for it and do have the option though, this is the one I’d recommend if you want to stay as safe as possible. This is the gold standard.

Meeting at a hotel

This option has some of the benefit of a sex club, albeit with less security. You still get the anonymity and avoid sharing your home address, however a dangerous date could still harm you in a hotel room.

As with the sex club option though, I realize that for some, the cost of a hotel room may be prohibitive and they may also be uncomfortable having sex somewhere where people in their community might frequent and see them. At the end of the day, hotels are high traffic locations for “normal people”. So if it’s a local hotel, odds are some people may know and recognize you – perhaps recognizing that you’d have no need for a hotel normally, given you live locally. So you’re potentially anonymous towards your new sex partner, but perhaps less so towards others. Unless of course you choose a hotel further from home.

For added security, make sure your partner doesn’t get access to the room before you – check in together or check in yourself first.

Meeting at a friend’s property

This option admittedly only works if you have a good friend that knows you have experimental sex and owns multiple properties, e.g., a summer cottage.

If you do have this option, this can be a good way of keeping it private without devulging your personal address. This is likely especially interesting if you’re a single female meeting with males or couples.

Being in a location that you can control provides some assurances towards your safety and your friend could even have setup a panic button or other backup precaution (more on that later) to protect you in case of emergency.

Meeting at their place / Meeting at your place

I’ve grouped the last two options here, not because they provide the same benefits and downsides, but rather because they’re both equally high-risk in their own ways.

If you go back to their place, you give them control of the entire environment and situation. Worst-case they could hold you against your will, drug you or even harm you.

If, on the other hand, you let them come to you, you control the environment, but they now know where you live. This means the odds of something bad happening that night are reduced, but you open yourself up to issues like stalking and harm down the road.

Either way – you’re risking something here.

What do we normally do?

Honestly, it’s a mix. The bulk of it is equal parts sex club and meeting at our house. That’s probably 75% of it. The remaining 25% is mostly us going to other people’s homes and a few instances of meeting at hotels and secondary homes. But the vast majority of it is sex clubs and our own house.

But wait Michael – wasn’t your own home a problem? In general – yes. For us – no.

Bare in mind, we live in Denmark. It’s probably the least dangerous place in the entire world. Also we’re a couple and I’m quite tall, broad-shouldered and muscular. So the likelihood of someone trying to harm us is close to zero. We’re very privileged in that regard. Things may be very different in your country and also obviously very different if you’re more vulnerable than us – e.g., a single woman.

Things would also be different if say Sara was going on a date alone with someone. We would be reluctant to have her go to someone’s home alone if we didn’t already know them quite well and trust them.

Likewise, the more experimental sex you’re planning to have, the safer your location should be. If you’re planning to have hardcore BDSM sex, especially with people you don’t intimately know, absolutely go to a sex club. Do not do that at their house.

5. Have backup

Sometimes all the due diligence in the world can’t save you from a bad situation. You need to have a backup ready in case your date turns out to go in an unwanted or downright dangerous direction.

Obviously, if you choose to meet at a sex club, your backup solution is quite easy. Just yell for help.

If you didn’t however, you need to plan more. Essentially, hope for the best, yet plan for the worst. Usually the easiest way to do this is to inform a friend of what you’re doing.

Don’t want to tell your friends about your sex life? I do understand, but ideally you should.

At least one friend should know

• Who you’re meeting
• What they look like
• Where you’re at

The where could be an address, but ideally I would suggest both sending an address and live location updates, for example using Facebook Messenger:

Using something like Facebook Messenger, your friend will receive constant updates on your location for 1 hour. After that hour, you should make the agreement that either you resend a new live location or send a message with a pre-arranged codeword saying “stand down – all is well”. If no new live location comes through, nor any message, they should try to call you immediately. If they can’t get a hold of you, that’s when they start calling the cops and giving them your last known location.

Why use live location instead of just an address? Because sometimes dangerous assholes will lure you to a location, only to coerce you into a car and drive you to a new location. If you’ve told your friend you’re going to an apartment in Brooklyn, New York and now you’re suddenly headed towards New Jersey, that’s when your friend should again try to call you and call the cops if you don’t pick up.

If a dangerous situation occurs, even at the right location, you can also setup SOS functionality on your phone. This allows you to discretely press a combination of buttons on your phone that’ll automatically send your location and an alart to your emergency contacts over text. This will tell them to either call you or call the cops directly, depending on what you agreed beforehand.

The exact approach to setting this SOS feature up depends on your phone and for some phones, a dedicated app may be needed. Newer Samsung Galaxy phones have these functions built in:

Try googling options for your exact phone make and model. You’ll want to test out the functionality at home before trying it out “in the field”.

Do we need to do all this as a couple?

It depends.

We usually only do some of this. We tell a friend, but we don’t send location information. I do however always recommend singles do this, even when meeting us. Not because we’re dangerous, but because I want to make sure they do so in the future if they’re not already doing it.

Why don’t we send location information? At the end of the day it’s down to your own risk tolerance. I’m a very big, muscular and tall guy, so it’s unlikely someone would choose to target us when there are easier targets out there. At the same time it’s also less likely a couple is made the victim of a crime, as the risk is simply too high for criminals, unless they’re several perpetrators working together.

That said, if we were a younger couple or I was smaller, we probably would take more precautions. I have the questionable benefit of looking like a dangerous asshole, so the real dangerous assholes skip us.

6. Use condoms

Final one and probably the one most relevant as a precaution in 99% of instances. You probably knew this one was coming.

Now that you’re actually there with your new non-dangerous sex partner(s) and about to have sex, using condoms is obviously one of the easiest things you can do to not only protect against pregnancy, but also protect against many sexually transmitted diseases (STIs).

It’s cheap, it’s simple and you can easily verify it’s being used. Unlike birth control pills or regular STI testing, anyone can visible see that the new partner is actually using the protection they’re claiming.

Bare in mind, it won’t protect against all pregnancies and it also won’t protect against all STIs. Especially considering you’re likely not using it for oral sex (almost no one does). Some examples of STIs it won’t protect against are herpes (HSV), HPV (e.g., genital warts) and scabies. Really just anything that can transmit through skin to skin contact, seeing as the condom only covers some of the guy’s private parts.

You can also get something like syphilis from oral sex, so do bare that in mind. If you’re very worried about STIs, you could use condoms and dental dams for oral sex. But be prepared for new partners giving you pushback or potentially dropping you for that reason. While it may seem unfair, most people will not want to use protection for oral sex. Maybe that’ll change eventually, just like condom use for intercourse has become the norm – but I wouldn’t hold my breath just yet.

No! I hate condoms. I can’t feel anything?

While I do recognize that condoms reduce sensitivity, I would argue that for sex with several partners this is usually not a bad thing – lasting longer is better when you have multiple partners to satisfy at once or the person you’re with is new to you.

Also, it’s not like it makes the sex bad. It’s a slight reduction in sensitivity. It’s by no means crazy.

At the end of the day, the upsides outweigh the downsides.

If you’re really worried about decreased sensitivity, there are also condoms out there that focus specifically on keeping the feeling as close to bare as possible. We’ve personally used Durex Real Feel condoms quite a lot. They’re very close to the real deal, albeit a bit more expensive than your average condom. You can buy them through Amazon here (paid link):

Do you always use condoms?

Honestly, no.

We probably should, but for a few people we don’t. Specifically we might opt not to when it’s someone we know very well, when we know they’re protected or when we know they don’t have a lot of sexual partners.

This is one of those “do as we say, not as we do” type situations.

While we do occasionally skip the condom, we don’t do so lightly or without assessing the risk we’re undertaking. Don’t just drop the condom in general. Only do it when you have a very reasonable expectation that your risk is low and those you are with are okay with it.

A good example would be having a threesome with a woman who just got divorced and is looking for adventure – so you’re literally her first sexual partners after 10 years of STI-free loyal monogamy and she’s taking birth control – she’s probably a safe bet, unless you have reason to believe she’s lying or her partner was cheating.

Other examples could be an otherwise monogamous couple you know personally, who’ve only experimented with a few other partners and regularly get STI testing, that you can verify and trust. This is less of a safe bet, as some testing may miss certain STIs, but it’s definitely less risk than skipping the condom with a random one night stand.

Bare in mind though, that while you may be okay with going without a condom for a low-risk partner, they may not be okay doing it with you. If you’re generally being risky with many changing partners and little to no testing, they would be right to avoid forgoing a condom with you. Risk assessments go both ways after all. Remember to be honest about how you protect yourself.

Whatever your risk tolerance, be sure to be honest with your sexual partners, so they don’t assume you’re only skipping the condom with them, when in reality you’re doing it with more people. This is also very important with inexperienced people, as they may not think about these things on their own. They need to make their own risk assessment as well. Consent is key.

With an increased number of sexual encounters come an increased risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease (STD) or more accurately a sexually transmitted infection (STI), as it’s called today.

How do you prevent getting an STI?

In all honesty, there is no way to prevent it beyond being fully abstinent. Which is obviously no fun.

Instead, you should aim to reduce your risk and make regular testing a scheduled activity with your doctor or at an open clinic. You need to be honest with your doctor, so that they test for everything you could likely be exposed to. So don’t bullshit them and act as if you’re monogamous if you’re not – they might test for fewer things if they think that.

How to reduce your risk

Reducing your risk of STIs is both a question of choosing the right partners, making the right preventative choices and then protecting yourself during the actual sex act.

How risky is your partner?

Choosing the right partners is down to determining your risk in interacting with someone new. Do they have a lot of different partners? Are they being safe with those partners? Do they do STI testing? The answers to these questions will usually tell you all you need to know about your risk from a new partner.

What do you do if a new partner is high risk and you don’t want high risk – Don’t have sex with them?! Duh?! Find another proverbial fish in the sea.

Vaccinations

These days, several STIs are so well understood that you can actually combat many of them using the right preventative measures.

Take the human papillomavirus (HPV) for example. There are many different variants of HPV, some creating no issues, others causing genital warts and a few causing various cancers (e.g., cervical, penile and more). There are no screening tests for most of these, but you can actually prevent many of them by getting an HPV vaccine. In many countries, this vaccine is now standard for young preteens as a means to erradicate many HPV variants before these young people become sexually active.

While usually aimed at the younger population, older individuals can also benefit from the vaccine, since you’re unlikely to have contracted all HPV variants the vaccine protects against. Even if you have one or two of them dorment in you, the vaccine might prevent the really dangerous ones from ever getting to you.

So if there’s one thing I really recommend everyone do, it’s get the HPV vaccine – it’ll likely cost you some money, but it’s a worthwhile investment. Both Sara and I have the HPV vaccine and paid for it ourselves as adults. Well worth it.

Barrier methods (e.g., condoms)

When you’ve decided to go ahead and have sex, the next step would be to employ a barrier method to reduce infection risks. Using condoms is obviously one of the easiest things you can do to not only protect against pregnancy, but also protect against many sexually transmitted diseases (STIs).

Despite what many think though, condoms won’t protect against all pregnancies and it also won’t protect against all STIs. Some examples of STIs it won’t protect against are herpes (HSV-1 and HSV-2), HPV (e.g., genital warts) and scabies. Really just anything that can transmit through skin to skin contact, seeing as the condom only covers some of the guy’s private parts.

You’re probably also not going to use condoms or dental dams for oral sex (almost no one does), so there’s also the risk of transmitting something like syphilis that way.

At the end of the day here, you’re not aiming for ‘perfect’, but rather ‘good enough’.

What is the actual risk of an STI?

Thankfully, for the most part, STIs are more of a nuisance than an actual problem, since many of the most common STIs are completely cureable or suppressable to the point where they don’t really matter. There’s a lot more stigma surrounding STIs than there’s actual risk of long-lasting effects from them.

As long as you keep an eye on your STI status and communicate any updates, the actual risk involved is pretty low.

Take for example syphilis. If left untreated it can create damage to your organs and nerves, as well as leave you infertile. However it’s incredible treatable and 100% curable with very little effort. Usually just one injection of an antibiotic and that’s that. In many ways, syphilis is less of a problem than the flu – when you know you have it.

This is actually the case for many of the most common STIs. Both syphilis, gonorrhoea, chlamydia and trichomoniasis are normally completely curable with little effort.

So getting those STI really should not create any panic in neither you, nor your partners. Just keep an eye on it and don’t wait for symptoms. Do regularly scheduled testing.

But what about uncurable STIs?

While some STIs are completely curable, there are others that are not. Most of these are thankfully also much less of a problem than some people make them out to be.

Herpes is one of the common STIs with a ton of stigma. It’s essentially uncurable, with Herpes Simplex Variant 1 (HSV-1) creating sores on your mouth and lips and Herpes Simplex Variant 2 (HSV-2) creating sores on your genitals. It’s one of those STIs where condoms also don’t really protect you, as infection comes from skin to skin contact.

Here’s the thing though: Many people are afraid of Herpes, but at the same time completely clueless about what it is and how prevelant it is. A whopping 2/3 of the entire world’s population have HSV-1. Your new sex partner is more likely to have HSV-1 than blue eyes. You are more likely to already have HSV-1 than you are contracting it from someone you meet.

What about HSV-2 then? Genital herpes (HSV-2) is generally considered to be worse than HSV-1, despite it obviously being the same overall sensation, just in a different place. It is also less prevalent, but a ton more than people think. As of 2016, 13.2% of the entire world’s population have HSV-2 according to WHO. Aiming in on America specifically, it’s just under 17% or 1/6 according to WebMD. That means that a great deal of people you know are living with this uncurable disease that, for the most part, doesn’t seem to affect their lives much.

Why doesn’t it affect them much? Because it’s often asymptomatic. It can create symptoms in some and it can also resurface. But it’s generally made out to be much more problematic than it actually is. Some have it bad yes, but even for them there’s treatment to keep it mostly at bay and anti-viral medication to keep infection spread risks low.

You can test for HSV-2 using a blood test, but you do often need to actively ask your doctor to do so. So bare that in mind if you’re wondering if you already have it. 1/6 of you probably do, despite not knowing.

What about HIV/AIDS?

Sure, there’s HIV and AIDS – the big bad STI that everyone fears. Historically this fear has been very warranted with over 40 million dead from AIDS worldwide.

Thankfully though, we’re not in the 80s anymore. Your risk of actually getting HIV is extremely low. Beyond blood transfussions with infected blood, the highest risk factor is receiving unprotected anal sex from an HIV-positive person. But even then the risk is surprisingly low – around 1,3% per act (136 out of 10000).

Even if you were so incredible unlucky to contract HIV, your doctor can help control the infection to such a degree that you likely won’t ever develop AIDS and your risk of infecting anyone with your HIV is greatly reduced. If you do engage in activities with an increased risk of interacting with HIV-positive individuals, it is however recommended to do a preventative treatment called Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis or PrEP. Doing PReP reduces the risk of contracting HIV by a whopping 99%. If you’re curious if PrEP is right for you, contact your health professional.

In general, if you’re a part of a community where HIV-infection is more common, I would always recommend consulting your doctor before engaging in any risky behaviour. Despite treatment options and HIV not likely killing you anymore, it’s still a very serious disease. Your particular situation may warrant being extra cautious.

Should you disclose your status to new sex partners?

In general yes, you should share any current issues and when you were last tested.

Having sex with any partner is all about consent. If they don’t understand the risk they’re taking by engaging in sexual activity with you, their consent isn’t really valid.

That being said, should you tell them about suppressed infections that don’t pose a significant risk to them?

Assume for example you have HSV-2, you’re taking anti-viral medication and you don’t have an active outbreak. Or maybe you know you must have a dorment HPV infection, since you had genital warts 10 years ago, but you’ve had no issues since then?

In these cases I would still say you should ideally disclose this, but I honestly understand if you don’t. There’s still a lot of stigma surrounding STIs and people fundamentally don’t understand the actual risk involved. You can very easily be labeled “unclean”, while in reality you’re more careful than most, because you actually went to the trouble of testing and taking precautions.

Most adults have several variants of HPV, but don’t know about it. In fact, it’s estimated that more than 90% of men and 80% of women get at least one HPV infection during their lifetime. They may even have had warts, but just didn’t notice or didn’t get them tested before they went away on their own. Also, seeing as 1/6 in the US have HSV-2, it’s a safe bet many of your sex partners had it, but either never had symptoms or just didn’t tell you.

Thankfully, both Sara and I are still HSV-2 free. I say that not because the infection worries me, but rather because of the largely unwarranted stigma surrounding that particular diagnosis.

So I do recommend being open – but I also begrudingly understand if you’re not with these super common infections, especially if you’ve been unfairly rejected out of ignorance before.

STI stigma – a real life example

We’ve only ever experienced a few people tell us they had HSV-2 (a lot less than 1/6 btw). One such situation was a woman we’d had sex with prior and had invited to a sex party where another couple and two single people attended as well. Because she was open and told us about her dorment and controlled HSV-2, the other couple asked her to not come.

Did she actually pose a risk to any of us? No, she was on anti-viral medication that suppresses viral shedding and she didn’t have an outbreak. Our real-life risk was very low – arguably much lower than if we had sex with a random person we picked up at a bar. But she was disgarded none the less.

Do I blame the other couple? No, I completely understand their point of view – why have sex with her, when there are other women who don’t have HSV-2 (or don’t know they do).

But it’s events like that, that make me much less judgemental of those who don’t disclose common infections like HSV-2 and HPV. Disclosing opens you up to massive rejections, while omitting does not and doesn’t necessarily expose your partners to any more appreciable risk than if they went with someone else.

I really wish everyone could just be open about every risk factor and everyone react rationally to that information. But sadly, that’s not the world we live in. At least not yet.

So please try to be as honest as possible. But I do get why some omit some of it. When you’ve been burnt a few times for being honest, you start being strategically honest.

Always be open about serious infections

While I do understand (but not condone) not disclosing controlled and dorment HSV-2 or HPV, I don’t think there’s a reasonable argument for not being open about serious infections like HIV and Hepatitis B. In fact, in many countries, not disclosing an HIV positive status could constitute a crime. Take for example the Missouri man charged with exposing 300 people to HIV infection through unprotected sex.

If you’ve had any of those diseases diagnosed, you’re going to have to be open about it. Despite treatments, those are still very serious diseases and require life-long medication to suppress and can actually kill you if you don’t keep treating them.

Bottom line: Take precautions, but don’t worry too much

Yes, a few STIs are scary. No, you’re likely not going to get the scary ones. Some other STIs are a nuisance. You might eventually get one of them, but they’re likely either completely curable with relative ease, or they’re suppressable or dorment enough that you’ll never get much grief from them.

For the most part, the stigma of an STI is a lot worse than the actual STI. Try to be mindful of that when confronted with other honest and loving sex partners that care enough about your self-agency to be honest about their status and any dorment infections. They’re not telling you because you should be scared to be with them, they’re telling you to show they respect you and trust you to be rational.

At the end of the day, the people you should be worried about are not the people who honestly tell you they have well-treated HSV-2 and have had syphilis one time. It’s the person who says they’ve never been tested because they always use condoms or never had symptoms. Those are the clueless ones.

Attributions

Post image courtesy of Anthony Tran – thank you.

You’re both interested in meeting up for a good time, but does the chemistry online translate to the real world?

You know you’re into this person’s personality.

You likely know what they look like – at least assuming their pictures aren’t fake, old or manipulated.

But that’s about it. You’re missing the entire verbal, visual and physical spectrum. All of those go in to the perception of your mutual chemistry together.

You won’t know for sure if you match on all those before you actually meet, but you can get more confident than you are now.

Here are four strategies, in increasing level of effort and gain, for checking chemistry before you meet someone to have sex.

1. Voicemails

It’s a simple strategy really: You create an old-school “voicemail” for the potential partner and they do the same for you.

This way you can hear each other, but without having to worry about responding straight away.

It’s fairly low effort and low risk. You can usually even do several takes to get it exactly right if you’re nervous.

You can determine a lot about a person by the way they talk and carry themselves in conversation. If you find yourself put off by how the other person talks over a voicemail, chances are you’ll feel the same in real life.

Dependent on the app or website you’re using to communicate, it may already have functions for sending audio messages built in. If not, I would recommend using Snapchat, as it’ll lend itself to the later strategies as well. Also it allows you to be anonymous, if that’s important to you.

One important way to NOT do it though:

DO NOT give them your phone number!

As much as we would wish the world was only full of nice people, the reality is some people are assholes, crazy or downright dangerous. You don’t actually know if this person is who they say they are. Keep it semi-anonymous or at least not easily traceable. Stay safe out there.

2. Video messages

Being attracted to each other’s voices is a good start, but it’s usually not enough to determine if you actually have chemistry. You’ll usually need to take it at least a step further with video.

Thankfully Snapchat has you covered here again. You can simply send a video message saying something simple like:

“Hi this is me Michael – just checking in so you can see my face – I’m human. Hi there”.

The other person can then respond in kind, with some equally simple short greeting, like:

“Hi Michael – Leah here. You’re cute. I’m also a human – hurrah”.

Doing this has a number of benefits. For one, you obviously get confirmation that the person on the other end is truly who they said they were and look as you expected. With the number of people regularly getting catfished online, that in itself is a big win.

Beyond that however, knowing how a person moves, talks, smiles etc. really goes a long way to informing whether you’re going to be interested in them sexually.

If things go well with this initial exchange, I’d then recommend continuing a normal Snapchat conversation with video messages in this fashion for several messages. Make sure you can carry on a good back and forth banter. That’ll give you both the confidence to know you can actually have a conversation with some chemistry, without having to be charming on the spot straight away in a video call. You get to think your answers through properly.

Doing video messages rather than a straight up video call also has the added benefit of being able to check you look as good as possible before sending each message.

After all – you can retake bad videos if you don’t like how you sounded or didn’t land a punchline the way you wanted. This give both of you the best chance you can have of making a good first impression.

If we’re meeting up with someone we’ve talked to online, e.g., for a FFM threesome, this is usually all it takes for us to determine there’s chemistry. If you or the other person is still unsure though, carry on to the next level.

3. Phone or video calls

At this point you’ve technically established that you guys can hold a conversation and have chemistry. What you haven’t established however, is that you actually still have that chemistry if you don’t get 5 minutes to think your answers through. Is the chemistry still there when you have to let the conversation flow naturally with no pauses?

via GIPHY

Que the trusty old phone call! It was good enough for people in the 80’s and 90’s – perhaps it’s just what you need as well.

Obviously, depending on how many video messages you sent back and forth, you might want to skip the plain audio-only phone call and go straight to video calls instead. The principle remains the same though. For some, having a normal conversation over the phone may just be the last thing they needed to make sure they can actually hold a conversation with this person and it wasn’t just the prep-time saving them. But if speaking over the phone without video seems weird to you (as in: you’re not that old just yet), go for video directly. Then you’ll be as sure as you can feasibly be without physically meeting this person.

So, how do you talk over the phone without actually sharing your phone number or FaceTiming? Simple. Use any of the common chat apps out there, including Snapchat. They pretty much all have the ability to make a call with or without video.

4. Chemistry meeting

At this point, you’ve both heard and seen them speak, you’ve seen them move and finally you’ve held a live conversation with them. If at this point you’re still not sure if you have chemistry, the honest answer is you probably don’t.

If you do want to make sure though, you can always go for the nuclear option – chemistry meetings.

What is a chemistry meeting you might ask? Well, it’s actually a very common tactic a lot of people use. Instead of meeting up to have sex, you meet up to determine if you have the chemistry to later meet up to have sex.

It usually involves going to a bar or going to dinner. Some public place at least and essentially in many ways just a normal date. Albeit perhaps with a different focus than a romantic one for most people.

Do I recommend chemistry meetings?

Honestly? No, I really don’t.

Some people you’ll meet online will insist on doing them. Either after a while or even sometimes as a first step without ever having spoken to you via anything other than text.

If you’re doing it after having used my strategies 1 through 3 above, then I think it has its place as a strategy. But never as your first move.

While you obviously can’t help if someone else insists on this strategy, I would caution that chemistry meetings are just not scalable. They are a ton of hassle, effort and cost.

Dependent on your life situation, you may have to get time off work, get a babysitter, make excuses to family members, drop commitments, pay for a night out, drive far away, get a hotel and a whole host of other things.

Doing all that for each potential hookup is way too much effort unless you’re quite convinced the chemistry will be there.

Most people who go for this strategy straight away thankfully do have the foresight to realize that the chemistry meeting may actually go well. In case it does, they’ll usually have a plan ready for sex straight away, rather than setting a new date and having an evening of “blue balls”. Perhaps saying beforehand that if you are going to have sex, they live nearby.

But generally speaking, I would try to determine chemistry using strategies 1 through 3 first. Only use chemistry meetings if you need to or as a last safety measure to make sure you haven’t been very elaborately catfished up to this point.

At the end of the day though, it takes (at least) two to tango, so you may be forced into a chemistry meeting regardless of how unnecessary I or you view them. Sometimes you have to go with the flow if you want to get to the end of the river.

Attributions

Post image courtesy of Alex Kondratiev – thank you.

How to go from pleasant hellos to high-pitched o’s? There a quite a few different strategies we see people using out there, including some we use ourselves.

Here are four strategies for getting the ball rolling with a new sexual partner.

1. Talk it out

Meeting new people can for many be stressful. Meeting new people you know you’re planning to have sex with is even more so.

So for a lot of new partners out there, even if you’re ready to just go for it, they probably aren’t. What you should do instead is treat it like any other date or dinner party.

If you’re at home then offer them a drink and give them a tour. Perhaps dwell on any interesting things in your home and tell them the story behind it. You can plan all of this stuff out in advance to a certain degree, so you know you’re presenting yourself in a good light and can make yourself and your new partner(s) relax. If you’re a funny type of individual, try to diffuse the tention with humor. No knock knock jokes or anything though – keep it natural. You’re not doing standup.

If you’re at their place let them set the pace at first. If they’re kinda droppin the ball on that, you can take the initiative instead and start off by looking around the room and asking about any of the items there. Maybe they have a weird souvenir from Barcelona on the shelf – ask them about it and get them talking. People tend to relax when they get in the rythm of talking about things they know and enjoy.

If you’re in public, perhaps at a bar, then normal dating rules apply. Ask about them, what they do, what they like to do etc. etc. You’re likely not going to have sex then and there, so ice breaking in public is less about getting the other person comfortable about having sex, but rather comfortable about going home with you. This is the same as any normal date.

Regardless of the scenario, when you feel like you’re both quite relaxed, look into your partner(s) eyes and compliment something about them. Maybe say something like “You have really beautiful lips. Mind if I kiss them?”.

As soon as that first kiss lands, that’s usually all you need. The ball will keep rolling from there.

Pros

• Eases partners into sex
• Allows you to get to know each other better
• Really good if you’re naturally extroverted

Cons

• Usually very time consuming (can easily take most of the evening)
• Can get awkward when you run out of things to talk about, yet you’re not feeling ready yet.
• Can be hard to judge when to “pull the trigger” and initiate sex
• Hard for very introverted people

2. Massage

While doing some talking to new partners is probably necessary, sometimes that just isn’t enough. Either you’re all too introverted to actually initiate sex during the evening or it just takes way too long and gets too awkward.

Instead what you can do is to ask beforehand if you can offer them a massage. Not only will most people be interested in that, it has the benefit of both relaxing your partner(s) and breaking the physical barrier. The distance between massage and sex is just not that big, so you’ll be able to fairly quickly get to the point where the partner receiving the massage wants you to touch them more intimately or wants to kiss you.

If possible, try to provide a full body massage, so you get as much physical connection as possible and so you can look your partner in the eyes during some of the massage as well (this is probably the most likely time for that spontanous kiss). Be sure to ask beforehand if there are conventional parts of their body they don’t want you to massage though, for example feet. Some people have an aversion to being touched specific places, even if it’s not sexual. So be sure to avoid those and remember to ask before letting your hands wander below where a professional would. He/she thus far only consented to a massage, not being fingered – so ask.

Of course this all requires that you actually know what you’re doing. Just as a good massage can get anyone in the mood – a bad massage will quickly put anyone off. You should probably focus on sensual or tantric massage techniques and do a bit of research first.

You could go look at massage tutorials on YouTube, like this one:

Or you could opt for more in-depth illustrated step-by-step material, like one of these books from Amazon, the first of which is available on Kindle as well (paid links):

You could also buy a massage table, but seeing as your goal is to end up having sex, your bed is probably fine unless it’s really soft. You will however need a good assortment of massage oils. Consider buying more than one type, as some may not be fans of a particular scent or ingredient. Here are some suggested options (paid links):

Pros

• Relaxes your partner(s) quickly
• Breaks the physical barrier quickly
• Acts as a form of non-sexual foreplay and can ease you into sex

Cons

• You need to learn how to give a good massage
• You miss the excitement of ripping each other’s clothes off.
• Not everyone will want a massage

3. Playing an ice-breaker game

Another great option is to use any of the many games out there specifically designed to break the ice.

These are games that usually involve giving challenges to one or more partners in the game, making them interact in increasingly sexual ways. Some of them just straight up give you the challenges, with no bells and whistles. Others package the challenges into a broader game dynamic, so as to make it more of a total experience with humor and more ‘get to know you’ type questions mixed in.

The benefit of a game approach to breaking the ice is that it takes some of the pressure of the people participating. It’s much easier to go kiss Janet if the game tells you to, than if you yourself have to choose to kiss Janet. The game giving you “an excuse” is exactly what many people need to break that initial reluctance to act.

As with so many other strategies that involve physical contact, you’re unlikely to get through an entire playthrough. As soon as people start touching and kissing, things usually flow by themselves and you’ll forget all about the game.

There are many different games to choose from, both on your phone/tablet, online and as physical products.

Online

There are a number of online options, e.g., Loveretto and Jadegreen.

Some of these have simple challenge structures, whereas others have bigger game dynamics. Take a look at our review of Loveretto, one of the better online options for multiple partners.

Phone/Tablet

If you’re looking for an option for your iPhone or iPad, consider trying out LoveGame, which supports multiple partners as well. It’s not free though, unlike Loveretto, so be prepared to pay to get more sexual challenges.

For Android the selection is in some ways bigger, but the quality is also a bit lacking. A few good options I’ve been told of are this one and this one. Be aware, only the later of these will support multiple partners. If you’re familiar with better options on Android or run into any in the future, please tell us in the comments. We’d love the suggestion.

Physical products

There are a lot of physical products providing sex challenges, however most are made for couples and not multiple partners. There is one I would recommend though, and that’s Couplicious. It’s especially good when playing more people together, but can also be used by just two partners. Unlike the online and mobile games though, challenges won’t be catered to the participants – so discard challenges that don’t make sense for your context.

You can buy Couplicious here (paid link):

Pros

• A fun way of getting in the mood
• “The game told me to do it” is a powerful thing

Cons

• Games don’t replace talking. You’ll have to start by getting your partner(s) comfortable enough to start the game to begin with.
• Some of these games are unnecessarily complicated / cumbersome
• Some challenges can get silly or annoying (be confident enough to skip them).
• Some challenges can be too much for some partners. Make it uncontroversial to skip them.
• Not all partners will be into games, so suggest them beforehand rather than springing them on the day.

4. Just go for it

via GIPHY

Sometimes you just need to jump straight into the deep end with no hesitation. Maybe a quick hello, can I take your jacket and then straight into kissing and fondling each other.

This will definetely be too much for a lot of people, but if you’re all just really horny and want to get the party started, this is a perfectly viable strategy.

Just be sure everyone is in agreement on this being the strategy beforehand. Otherwise you’ll end up making your partner(s) very uncomfortable and they’ll either go along despite not wanting to or reject you – potentially ending the evening right there.

Pros

• Very simple strategy
• No time wasted

Cons

• Either you don’t get to know them or you’ll have to do that afterwards – i.e., Hey, what was your name again?
• Not acceptable for most people
• Has to be planned out beforehand, as it’s a very aggressive strategy. You can’t do this unless you know your partner(s) is on board.

Attributions

Post image courtesy of Anders Jildén – thank you.

Commisions disclosure

Be aware, as an Amazon Associate we earn commision from qualifying purchases made through clicking recommended products in blog posts like this.

Open relationships are a different ballgame.

When you embark on an open relationship with your partner or partners, you really don’t know the rules. In fact, I’d venture the guess that for 100 randomly chosen open relationships, you’ll have almost 100 fairly unique sets of relationship agreements. If you want your open relationship to be successful, you better get a grasp on your mutual desires, experiments, rules and boundaries.

There will be some open relationship purests that’ll tell you any boundaries on a relationship is bad and that you should be able to do whatever you want. They’ll tell you things like “You can only give yourself boundaries – not other people”.

In my humble opinion, these people are wrong. This is an example of unethical non-monogamy. What we’re preaching here is ethical non-monogamy (ENM), i.e. the practice of mutually consentual non-monogamy in either a classic couple relationship or a more loosely defined poly relationship. The kind of open relationship that is actually sustainable long-term.

Whether you’re a monogamous couple considering opening up your relationship or you’re a new couple where both want to do an open relationship from day 1, these strategies will apply to you. For the sake of brevity, I will be assuming the most common example though, which is a couple going from monogamous to open. But for all intents and purposes, whether you’re one or the other doesn’t change much. You can take the same advice and apply it to your situation.

Desires first – boundaries last

If you’re embarking on an open relationship with your previously monogamous partner, you might be tempted to start off this conversation by saying something like: “I have to be okay with anyone you have sex with” or “Don’t hook up with anyone I know”.

Don’t do this!!

Starting with boundaries is not a good idea. You might get away with it, but more likely you’ll limit each other unnecessarily or create resentment down the line.

Instead always start with your desires, write them down separately and exchange lists.

It’s very important you don’t censor yourself here. Thinking your partner will be upset with something on your list isn’t a good argument for not including it. You’ll only be limiting yourself, fooling your partner and creating a potential resentment for later.

Instead try to give each other freedom to express desires in a non-judgemental space. Make it a point to talk about that in advance and agree to have an open mind and not hold a grudge about any desires the other partner turns out not to be okay with. It’s perfectably normal to not be okay with every single desire. You need to prepare yourselves in advance that some of your partner’s desires will likely stir negative feelings in you. This reaction is also normal, but remember not to resent your partner for those desires. It should always be okay to express desires.

Example – Jeff & Joan opens up their marriage

Let’s do an example. Consider a monogamous couple, Jeff and Joan. Jeff and Joan have been married for 10 years now. They have an adventurous sex life and have read about ethical non-monogamy (ENM). They’ve decided to try to open up their relationship and now have to determine what their relationship agreement will be. For this they’ll have to talk desires, define rules, create experiments and determine boundaries.

Each takes a piece of paper and sit in a quiet corner of the house, not discussing together what to write beforehand. After 30 minutes, Jeff & Joan swaps lists. This is what they wrote.

Now, as you can see, there is some overlap here. Jeff and Joan now need to go through each in turn and discuss them.

Dating profile

Both want to create a personal dating account, but Jeff wants it to show his real face and name, whereas Joan wants it to be anonymous. This is the first point of discussion, because Jeff’s choice to be public will obviously impact Joan, since people know they’re a couple.

Since Jeff hadn’t really fully considered the implications of going public anyway, he agrees to only create anonymous dating accounts. This is the first agreement in their new open relationship:

Rule 1: Any dating accounts we create must be anonymous

Swinger clubs

Jeff wants to attend swinger clubs. Joan asks if he wants to have her join him. He says yes – if she’s up for that.

Using experimentation and continuous feedback

Joan isn’t sure if she wants to. She doesn’t have the best impression of what a swinger is and fears it will be uncomfortable or too much. This is where controlled experiments come into play.

Joan agrees to do an experiment in which she’ll try to go to a club with Jeff and then evaluate afterwards whether that’s something she’ll want to do again. Thus we have our first experiment:

Experiment 1: Go to a swingers club together

Experiments are really important when opening up. Unless you’re very experienced you really don’t fully know what you are and aren’t into or okay with. You may have an idea, but usually that’s based on very little actual knowledge or experience. So instead of just saying no to your partner’s desires upfront, try instead to see if you can accept a controlled experiment.

As with any other experiment, the outcome is not known in advance and thus participants have to agree to accept the results of that experiment. Even when those results don’t fit the narrative one wants. So if Joan attends one or more events with Jeff and doesn’t like it, Jeff will have to accept that his ‘Going to swinger clubs’ desire needs to be re-evaluated.

An experiment that results in a negative outcome doesn’t necessarily mean that the relevant partner’s desire can’t be met. In some cases, partners can decide to try a new experiment, for example where Jeff could go alone or with one of his other sexual partners. It’s all about continously evaluating what works and what doesn’t work through experimentation and then coming to a consensual agreement.

Of course, there can be scenarios where a desire simply cannot be met. Either the desire is too much for your partner(s) regardless of setup or they want to satisfy your desire themselves, but simply cannot. For example, a timid male partner unconvincingly trying to take on the role as a BDSM-experienced dominant male.

In those cases the unfulfilled partner must decide if this is a dealbreaker or not. For established monogamous couples, dealbreakers are less likely than for more experienced singles looking for open or poly relationships. I would also in general caution against many dealbreakers, as it may be hard to find any meaningful relationship if you’re too demanding up front. Keep in mind, people change. You may not have the same desires a few years from now, your partner(s) may become better at satisfying them or they may have changed their mind about letting you explore those desires with other partners. So in general: Try to limit dealbreakers to things you simply cannot live without. If two years from now you end up regretting having accepted your desire not being met and you’ve seen no change, you can always break up with your partner(s) and look for new ones.

Multiple sex partners

Both Joan and Jeff have desires relating to having multiple sexual partners, albeit with slight variations. Jeff is focused on his friends-with-benefits (FWB) relationships with women being casual, whereas Joan is more focused on having long-term sexual relationships with the same male partners. This difference may be down to individual wording, or it may be due to an actual difference in opinion as to what is being desired. By stating these desires in their own words, they can more easily catch these differences and discuss them. With some luck, they may find out that they mean the same, even though they use different wordings. They may however also find, that their desires differ and now have to determine if both can be met individually or if they should make a compromise.

Let’s assume for this scenario, that Jeff wanted to keep it very casual with many different female partners over time, whereas Joan wanted to have the same male partners over a longer period, sprinkled with a few casual female hookups. Both are fine with this as long as only a few partners are active at any given time.

So they create the following rule:

Rule 2: We can have a few extra sexual partners at the same time, either the same people over a longer period or more casual hookups

Dealing with vague rules and consent

Notice the wording of “a few” rather than a specific number. Generally we would recommend consent is as specific as possible, but in this case both don’t actually know how many are too many – it’s a gut feeling in the moment. They’ll know when they get there. So instead, they could add an extra rule like the following:

Rule 3: We have to keep each other updated on who our active partners are

Now, this is a very classic ethical non-monogamy / open relationship rule, where the partners are only informed about new or changing partners, usually after the fact. This enables them to feel out if it’s becoming too much, but doesn’t provide much other control or direct consent. If Jeff and Joan wanted a more monogam-ish rule with more specific case-by-case consent, an alternative rule 3 could be:

Rule 3 (Alternative): We keep each other updated on, and agree to, any new potential partners

In general, if you’re going from a fully monogamous relationship and you don’t both have prior successful experience with fully open relationships, I would recommend starting with the alternative rule and perhaps working towards some flavor of the first version, when you’re both comfortable doing it like that. There are no right answers here – just what works for you.

Sometimes stating the obvious is better

When discussing multiple sex partners, Jeff might jokingly say something along the lines of “I’m of course also going to check she’s on the pill. Wouldn’t want to get some other woman pregnant”.

Joan may now be thinking – Wait? Is he not planning on using protection himself?

Here’s the thing: For Joan, condoms at all times is a no-brainer. But it might not be for Jeff or for some of their future sexual partners. Instead of just assuming certain rules are obvious, actually discuss them. You don’t have to put all of them in as firm rules if you’re both 100% on the same page. But do make a point of discussing these “obvious truths” with each other. Sometimes, having a firm rule may also make it easier to get sexual partners to comply, as breaking the rule would mean breaking a primary partner’s trust.

In this case, Jeff & Joan might opt to add a fourth rule:

Rule 4: All sexual partners must use condoms for all forms of intercourse (vaginal or anal).

Note that I didn’t add oral protections like condoms for blowjobs or dental dams for licking pussy. You could add those rules if you wanted to. They’re just not an example of “something obvious”, as the vast majority don’t use them and just accept the risk of STDs through oral sex.

Also another slight sidenote here: Be aware, rules like rule 4 may eventually be challenged as unfair, seeing as Joan and Jeff are not using condoms when they are together. This can especially be a challenge in more long term secondary or poly relationships. In those scenarios, condoms with new partners and regular testing may be a better option.

Group sex together

Jeff expressed a desire to have group sex with Joan and one or more of their female sex partners. This is a very common setup, that may also be a precursor to the open relationship itself. It’s seldom the case that a couple go for an open relationship before they’ve tried something like a threesome.

So let’s assume Jeff and Joan are fairly common and that they’ve already had a threesome with a woman before, but not with a man. So Joan is not opposed to this desire, albeit she wants to not limit it to her female sexual partners. She wants to have group sex with Jeff and her male partners as well.

This may not be to Jeff’s liking. Some people will feel that being okay with their partner having sex with others is not the same as being okay with actually seeing it. Jeff might not be particularly fond of some of Joan’s partners or may feel emasculated if her secondary partner is physically superior to him. These concerns may make Jeff hesitant to accept this change.

Now, Joan could rightly assert here that she’s literally in the same boat and is not complaining. She might not have been comfortable having to watch Jeff have sex with his female partners, nor comfortable being compared to them. So she’s being the bigger person here by not being jealous when doing group sex with women and Jeff should be better as well.

Don’t do this!!

Partners are allowed to react differently to the same circumstances. Often times we come with different baggage, different insecurities and different experience. Just because one person is okay with their partner doing something, does not mean that partner has to reciprocate.

In a case like this, where there’s varying experience, I would always suggest an experiment to get both partners up to the same level of experience. So that could be something like this:

Experiment 2: Have a threesome together with one of Joan’s male sexual partners.

Same goes here as for the other experiment. Joan needs to accept the outcome of the experiment. If it turns out Jeff isn’t okay with doing group sex with Joan’s male partners, she needs to then decide if she’s okay with a rule only allowing group sex between them and Jeff’s female partners. Ideally, this decision should in no way be informed by “fairness”, in that they are different people with different feelings – Jeff should not be punished for his feelings.

Dependent on the outcome of the experiment, they may create a rule concerning group sex or they may choose to include one matching Jeff’s desire straight away and then modify it later on after the experiment. Both of these approaches are equally valid.

Multiple romantic partners

Joan has expressed a desire for a secondary romantic partner sometime in the future. Upon reading this, Jeff may feel upset and jealous. He may become angry, but should try to control this feeling if at all possible. Desires should never be belittled or attacked. Instead he should express interest in understanding why Joan has this desire.

Let’s assume, for the sake of argument, that Joan’s desire stems from missing that initial spark of romance when interacting with a new romantic partner. Maybe she’s not looking for a “husband #2”, but rather a set of hot romantic summer flings, that will come and go. Jeff remains the primary partner and none of the secondaries are long lasting. This would likely be a significantly easier pill to swallow than a long-term polyamorous relationship, if Jeff has never considered such a thing.

If on the other hand Joan’s desire was a long term polyamorous relationship, Jeff might simply not be open to that at present and can’t consent. He might think he would never be okay with that, but here I’d caution him to avoid speaking in absolutes. He does not know what he’ll be okay with 5 years down the line. He might find his own secondary partner he catches feelings for and be the one to suggest a polyamorous relationship later on, rather than Joan.

So instead of just giving it a blanket ‘No’, they should either park it and re-evaluate in a year, or they should do an experiment. Given the big divide between their desires here, the experiment needs to be fairly benign in scope. An obvious thing to go for could be:

Experiment 3: Watch a polyamory documentary together

This may seem small right now, but it’s these small steps that help bridge gaps in desires without stepping on anyone’s toes. After an experiment like that it’s perfectly valid to create a new and more elaborate experiment, delving deeper into the subject matter. Eventually, Jeff & Joan may get to a place where they feel they can experiment with polyamory for real.

Primary priority

Jeff has expressed a desire to be Joan’s primary priority. Upon further discussion it’s revealed that what he means by this is that Joan prioritize time with him over her other partners. He doesn’t want to be sitting alone at home and hardly ever seeing her.

This is a very common desire in a monogamous couple opening up and realistically most couples will end up creating rules around this, unless they’re very experienced. A common example of such a rule:

Rule 5: We can only have two dates with secondary partners per week

Let’s assume Jeff & Joan created that rule. Now comes the next issue. Both Jeff & Joan are gone from their home two nights a week. What if they aren’t the same nights? That would end up meaning that Jeff & Joan only spend 3 out of 7 nights together per week. To combat this issue they create an extra rule

Rule 6: We must coordinate date nights, so we’re gone on the same nights

Now, realistically, this rule may not always be plausible. It’s highly dependent on the schedules of the people involved. Even if we assume it is though, Jeff & Joan need to consider what happens if one of their dates gets sick or has to cancel – can the other still partner still go? What if they can’t agree on which nights it is in a given week? These considerations don’t have to be hard and fast rules if both parties are fairly alligned. As long as they’re having the discussion beforehand, as this will eliminate a lot of conflict later on when these things eventually do happen.

For some couples, just starting with a single day per week or every other week could also be more than enough. That would make the planning concerns much less complicated.

Exploring BDSM with a secondary partner

Finally, Joan has expressed a desire to explore BDSM with a secondary partner. This is a surprisingly common desire many women have, especially when they desire a very dominant partner that can treat them properly as a submissive or slave. For some women, having their primary romantic partner take on this role simply does not satisfy the kink and is not believable for them. As such, the only way to truly explore BDSM for them is to do it with someone else.

Let’s assume Jeff is aware that he’s no dom and that he has no issue with such an arrangement. So long as he’s not made part of that play in any way, as he does not want to play the part of a submissive to any of Joan’s sexual partners (e.g., through hotwife/cuckold play).

Jeff & Joan could choose to create a rule 7 for this setup, worded something along the lines of the following:

Rule 7: We can have BDSM relationships with others, e.g. master/slave or dom/sub. These power dynamics must however not impact or involve our mutual relationship.

They could also choose to say this was part of Rule 2 and just either add an addendum or verbally agree that this is one of the ways in which Rule 2 could be used. You don’t need to write firm rules if you both fully agree and can remember the boundaries.

Bringing it all together and building a feedback loop

Jeff & Joan now have a set of desires, a set of rules and perhaps some experiments they have to go do together or apart. As a result they now have some understanding of the boundaries in their relationship, including what’s okay and what’s not okay. What they still have to realize though is this:

This is not the complete set of all boundaries in their relationship.

They may have covered most things, but not all.

Some things will be mutually understood, but unsaid. For example: “Don’t have sex with my sister”.

That’s probably one boundary most couples won’t have to discuss and actually write down. It’s not going to be inferred by any rule, but still probably safe to assume as a boundary for most couples.

However, it’s very likely that there will be other situations where both parties think they’re on the same page, but they’re actually not. These may not come up until they occur naturally, when one partner either does something that was over the line or suggests doing it.

For example, let’s say Joan thinks Jeff is okay with her having sex with one of his friends, but Jeff is most certainly not okay with that. Jeff may be lucky that Rule 3 is worded in such a way that Joan tells him about her intentions before she acts. But it’s probably more likely she will at least have made advances before Jeff gets wind of it. In this situation, Jeff’s feelings are hurt and he will feel cheated on to some extent. Joan overstepped a boundary she wasn’t aware of.

If Joan goes all the way and has sex with this friend before Jeff knows about it, he may feel downright betrayed and the act could even threathen their marriage – even though Joan didn’t technically break any of their relationship rules. The boundary was there, it just wasn’t expressed.

This is why “staying faithful” in open relationships is so complicated. It requires a ton of practice and careful continuous discussion to make sure you always have consent for what you’re doing together or apart.

You will fail eventually. You’re unlikely to have a perfect run where none of you ever cross a line.

How good you were at communicating and re-evaluating together will determine how succesful you are when you hit those boundaries or downright run past them.

For most couples, I would always suggest adding a base rule 0, which may help combat some of these issues:

Rule 0: If an experience is allowed by these rules, but explores new territory (e.g., new kinks, partner types, locations, scenarioes etc.) then discuss it together first before acting.

It’s conceivable Joan would have recognized neither of them had ever had sex with each other’s friends before and therefore discussed it first, realizing Jeff’s objection.

At the end of the day though, even with Rule 0 you’re likely to eventually experience hurt feelings or get jealous. This is normal. Use it to grow as a couple. Re-evaluate your desires, your rules and your resulting boundaries. Try out new experiments to help combat negative feelings in a controlled manner. Recognize that your partner is always trying to do what they think is right and that people make mistakes. Making a mistake is not the end of the world unless you decide it is.

In conclusion

The takeaways to remember here

• Always start with desires and be non-judgemental.
• When possible, do an experiment instead of saying no.
• The boundaries you determine are not complete and they are not static.
• You must continously re-evaluate your desires, your rules and any experiments.
• You must do this together, both on a scheduled regular basis and after experiences that may have moved you or changed desires/boundaries.
• You will eventually make mistakes – forgive each other and learn from it.

Do all of this and there’s a decent chance you can make this work in the long run. We’re rooting for you.

Attributions

Post image courtesy of Nik Shuliahin – thank you.

There’s one caveat though: It can’t write sexual content. At least not overt sexual content. As much as you may try to make it talk dirty to you, it will refuse.

However, while ChatGPT might not be willing to get you off itself, it will surprisingly try to help you do that on your own.

We did it ladies and gentlemen. We tried to find our own AI overlord replacements and asked ChatGPT:

How do you find a woman for a threesome?

This, ladies and gentlemen, is how you find a woman for a threesome, according to unfeeling mechanical robots – or at least an NLP AI called ChatGPT:

Now, I must admit – these suggestions aren’t that bad. They’re not exactly what I would do, but they’re decent. For example, I wouldn’t ask a random close friend. That seems like an effective way of killing that friendship. But the dating app suggestion is decent, as is the swinger community. A bit lacking in detail of course, but much better than I expected.

I also kinda like how the AI makes it a point to mention safety, comfort and consent. Perhaps it mentions it a bit much, but this might just be a bit of defensive programming from the AI designers’, to avoid the AI accidentally suggesting ruffies or other vile strategies written about online. Remember, ChatGPT isn’t actually sentient or intelligent. It’s been built using trillions of pages of text on the internet and been taught to understand written instructions, so as to be able to effectively present relevant and coherent text to you. Kind of like Google, but simultanously both smarter and with a dangerous lack of context and sources. If you’re not clear on how ChatGPT was created btw, you might be interested in this article on How ChatGPT actually works. It’s quite the read.

So you’re saying just do what the AI says?

What?… No?…. What? Of course not? Were you not listening? The suggestions it’s coming up with are super basic. The kind of stuff anyone can come up with on their own. The stuff many people try and fail doing, either because they go about it wrong or because it’s just not the right fit for them. What ChatGPT is suggesting isn’t wrong – it’s just so oversimplified that it isn’t really useful in practice. Following their advice likely won’t get you a threesome, you couldn’t have gotten on your own.

Instead of relying on robots to get you laid, might I suggest reading some of our other guides on the subject, perhaps How to find a person for a threesome or How to get a threesome as a single person

Your future threesome-having self will thank me.

Attributions

Post image courtesy of Xu Haiwei – thank you.