You’re both interested in meeting up for a good time, but does the chemistry online translate to the real world?

You know you’re into this person’s personality.

You likely know what they look like – at least assuming their pictures aren’t fake, old or manipulated.

But that’s about it. You’re missing the entire verbal, visual and physical spectrum. All of those go in to the perception of your mutual chemistry together.

You won’t know for sure if you match on all those before you actually meet, but you can get more confident than you are now.

Here are four strategies, in increasing level of effort and gain, for checking chemistry before you meet someone to have sex.

1. Voicemails

It’s a simple strategy really: You create an old-school “voicemail” for the potential partner and they do the same for you.

This way you can hear each other, but without having to worry about responding straight away.

It’s fairly low effort and low risk. You can usually even do several takes to get it exactly right if you’re nervous.

You can determine a lot about a person by the way they talk and carry themselves in conversation. If you find yourself put off by how the other person talks over a voicemail, chances are you’ll feel the same in real life.

Dependent on the app or website you’re using to communicate, it may already have functions for sending audio messages built in. If not, I would recommend using Snapchat, as it’ll lend itself to the later strategies as well. Also it allows you to be anonymous, if that’s important to you.

One important way to NOT do it though:

DO NOT give them your phone number!

As much as we would wish the world was only full of nice people, the reality is some people are assholes, crazy or downright dangerous. You don’t actually know if this person is who they say they are. Keep it semi-anonymous or at least not easily traceable. Stay safe out there.

2. Video messages

Being attracted to each other’s voices is a good start, but it’s usually not enough to determine if you actually have chemistry. You’ll usually need to take it at least a step further with video.

Thankfully Snapchat has you covered here again. You can simply send a video message saying something simple like:

“Hi this is me Michael – just checking in so you can see my face – I’m human. Hi there”.

The other person can then respond in kind, with some equally simple short greeting, like:

“Hi Michael – Leah here. You’re cute. I’m also a human – hurrah”.

Doing this has a number of benefits. For one, you obviously get confirmation that the person on the other end is truly who they said they were and look as you expected. With the number of people regularly getting catfished online, that in itself is a big win.

Beyond that however, knowing how a person moves, talks, smiles etc. really goes a long way to informing whether you’re going to be interested in them sexually.

If things go well with this initial exchange, I’d then recommend continuing a normal Snapchat conversation with video messages in this fashion for several messages. Make sure you can carry on a good back and forth banter. That’ll give you both the confidence to know you can actually have a conversation with some chemistry, without having to be charming on the spot straight away in a video call. You get to think your answers through properly.

Doing video messages rather than a straight up video call also has the added benefit of being able to check you look as good as possible before sending each message.

After all – you can retake bad videos if you don’t like how you sounded or didn’t land a punchline the way you wanted. This give both of you the best chance you can have of making a good first impression.

If we’re meeting up with someone we’ve talked to online, e.g., for a FFM threesome, this is usually all it takes for us to determine there’s chemistry. If you or the other person is still unsure though, carry on to the next level.

3. Phone or video calls

At this point you’ve technically established that you guys can hold a conversation and have chemistry. What you haven’t established however, is that you actually still have that chemistry if you don’t get 5 minutes to think your answers through. Is the chemistry still there when you have to let the conversation flow naturally with no pauses?

via GIPHY

Que the trusty old phone call! It was good enough for people in the 80’s and 90’s – perhaps it’s just what you need as well.

Obviously, depending on how many video messages you sent back and forth, you might want to skip the plain audio-only phone call and go straight to video calls instead. The principle remains the same though. For some, having a normal conversation over the phone may just be the last thing they needed to make sure they can actually hold a conversation with this person and it wasn’t just the prep-time saving them. But if speaking over the phone without video seems weird to you (as in: you’re not that old just yet), go for video directly. Then you’ll be as sure as you can feasibly be without physically meeting this person.

So, how do you talk over the phone without actually sharing your phone number or FaceTiming? Simple. Use any of the common chat apps out there, including Snapchat. They pretty much all have the ability to make a call with or without video.

4. Chemistry meeting

At this point, you’ve both heard and seen them speak, you’ve seen them move and finally you’ve held a live conversation with them. If at this point you’re still not sure if you have chemistry, the honest answer is you probably don’t.

If you do want to make sure though, you can always go for the nuclear option – chemistry meetings.

What is a chemistry meeting you might ask? Well, it’s actually a very common tactic a lot of people use. Instead of meeting up to have sex, you meet up to determine if you have the chemistry to later meet up to have sex.

It usually involves going to a bar or going to dinner. Some public place at least and essentially in many ways just a normal date. Albeit perhaps with a different focus than a romantic one for most people.

Do I recommend chemistry meetings?

Honestly? No, I really don’t.

Some people you’ll meet online will insist on doing them. Either after a while or even sometimes as a first step without ever having spoken to you via anything other than text.

If you’re doing it after having used my strategies 1 through 3 above, then I think it has its place as a strategy. But never as your first move.

While you obviously can’t help if someone else insists on this strategy, I would caution that chemistry meetings are just not scalable. They are a ton of hassle, effort and cost.

Dependent on your life situation, you may have to get time off work, get a babysitter, make excuses to family members, drop commitments, pay for a night out, drive far away, get a hotel and a whole host of other things.

Doing all that for each potential hookup is way too much effort unless you’re quite convinced the chemistry will be there.

Most people who go for this strategy straight away thankfully do have the foresight to realize that the chemistry meeting may actually go well. In case it does, they’ll usually have a plan ready for sex straight away, rather than setting a new date and having an evening of “blue balls”. Perhaps saying beforehand that if you are going to have sex, they live nearby.

But generally speaking, I would try to determine chemistry using strategies 1 through 3 first. Only use chemistry meetings if you need to or as a last safety measure to make sure you haven’t been very elaborately catfished up to this point.

At the end of the day though, it takes (at least) two to tango, so you may be forced into a chemistry meeting regardless of how unnecessary I or you view them. Sometimes you have to go with the flow if you want to get to the end of the river.

Attributions

Post image courtesy of Alex Kondratiev – thank you.

As a single person you’re at a bit more of a disadvantage when it comes to actionable advice. You can probably learn some insights from the other articles, but all in all it’s tough getting advice on finding a third, if you haven’t even found a second yet.

We got you covered though. Here are some tips on how to get a threesome as a single person.

Tip #1 – Be a woman

Yeah, this one may not be so helpful for many of you. Sorry!

But if you do happen to be a single woman, congratulations! Your odds of getting a threesome are very good indeed. In fact you’re pretty much set already.

Essentially, if you’re a single woman looking for a couple to have a threesome with you’re spoiled for choice beyond your wildest dreams.

Is your max pull normally a 6? – congratulations, when looking for a threesome you can bag an 8.. easily. Maybe even a 9 or 10.

Many couples are so desperate to find a woman for a threesome that you can literally choose any dating site, find a couple you like the look of and odds are they’ll be very interested to chat and check for chemistry.

There’s a reason females looking for no-strings attached threesomes with couples are usually referred to as ‘unicorns’. Most people feel they’re extremely hard to find, even borderline mythical (they’re wrong though, but that’s for another article)

Would we recommend going to a random site and banging the hottest couple there – No.. not really. But you do have that option. We’d suggest Tip #3 – even for women who could pick and choose. Guys however.. well.. your choices are basically only tips #2 and #3.. Sorry… Read on

Tip #2 – Go for a couple

A lot of guys reading out there are probably most interested in having a threesome with two women. Now, we get that. But realistically, finding two female strangers that both want to have sex with you, and each other, is a tall order. Sure, it’s not impossible – it’s just really hard.

Instead we’d suggest going for a fun lower hanging fruit, that may not be exactly what you had in mind originally, but may serve to get you there eventually. Namely, finding a couple looking for men.

There are many ways to go about this. You could go for an app like Tinder or Feeld (a lot of couples are on there), you could frequent a sex club (google sex clubs near you) or you could go to a dedicated sex dating site (there are different ones in most countries. A well-known Danish one is Scor – Comment down below with your favorite local one). Essentially, there are many roads to Rome here.

Is finding a couple as a single man going to be as easy as if you were a woman? No. Not even close. But it’s not unrealistic, especially if you know what your strengths and weaknesses are, and you’re not afraid to play to that. Are you really muscular? Show those abs. Do you have a big member? Don’t hide that fact. Can you be really dominant in bed? State that. Are you just the cutest most chill vanilla guy ever? Great, take lots of pictures of yourself in sweaters so the slightly insecure guy in the couple isn’t threatened by you.

Think about the fact that you’re not just convincing one person, you’re convincing two. The woman in the couple is only going to pick you if she’s attracted to you. You won’t attract women you wouldn’t normally be able to. So overall, you have little control there.

However, even if she thinks you’re attractive, her man might discard you because you rub him the wrong way or you don’t match their specific need for a third. If they’re an inexperienced vanilla couple looking for their first threesome, being as inoffensive, unthreatening and “normal” as possible is likely your best bet. If they’re a stag/vixen or dom/slutwife type couple, he’ll want a guy that’s good enough to have sex with his wife/girlfriend, but not so good that the guy outshines him. If instead, they’re a hotwife/cuckold type couple, they’ll likely want a guy who can be dominant with the wife/girlfriend and be passively or actively part of some level of mild to severe humiliation of the husband. There are many more kinks than just these, but those are common ones.

Determine which niche you can satisfy, find the right platform with lots of those couples and roll with it. If you don’t know which way to go, google the terms I wrote and watch a few hours of porn – you’ll probably get an idea. And hell, if you find your only option is vanilla, that’s okay too. It only changes which couples you target.

All in all, you should be thinking of yourself as a means for the couple to live out their fantasies. Be the enabler for them. That’s your best shot.

Now, at this point you might be saying “But Michael, how would having kinky sex with Tom and his wife lead to me eventually having sex with two women?” – I’ll tell you how: Stacking!

Tip #3 – Use “stacking”

“Stacking” is a term we made up for a practice we ourselves indulge in, as well as most experienced sexually open people we know. I want to say we coined the term, but that just sounds too pretentious.

It’s actually a really simple concept. It involves taking prior sexual experiences and treating them a bit like Lego bricks. Say you’re a single man who’s been on Tinder for a while. You want to try a threesome, but the opportunity hasn’t really come up. However, you have had casual sexual encounters with Lisa, Mary, Elisabeth and Tammy.

Now, say you knew that Mary was bisexual and Tammy was bicurious. Your easiest route to getting a threesome would now be to approach either Mary or Tammy and pitch the idea of finding a third together and that you might have a candidate. Say you approach Mary and she’s into the idea, you can now approach Tammy with not only the idea, but an actual woman she could have sex with if she wanted to with you. Since Tammy has already had sex with you and know you can satisfy her, the odds of getting a yes are a lot greater than with a random female stranger.

You can even take this one step further. Imagine you’ve already stacked twice. Your connections now look more like this:

The solid lines represent one-on-one encounters. The diamonds are stacked experiences, in this case two threesomes – one FFM (Female-Female-Male) threesome between you, Mary and Tammy, as well as one MMF (Male-Male-Female) threesome between you, Mary and her friend Peter, who she’s had sex with prior. You could now take all of this and pitch to Mary and Tammy that you bring in Peter for a foursome, creating this new stacked experience:

Finding people for foursomes, fivesomes, sixsomes (probably just called orgies at this point) would be very difficult without stacking, if not borderline impossible. This is how all the very successful sexually open people are doing it.

Also, having now had a foursome with you, Mary and Tammy, it would be perfectly reasonable for Peter to go ahead and have a threesome with Mary and Tammy alone. Something he may also never have tried before.
This is also where you guys from Tip #2 come into play and can lead to you eventually having a threesome with two women, even though you only had sex with couples. If you’d followed Tip #2, you might eventually get a network like this:

You’ve likely really enjoyed all of the threesomes, even though it wasn’t what you originally aimed for. However, Christopher & Lydia are special. You know they’re experienced and that they’ve had several threesomes beyond yours – several of them with women. Eventually, Christopher & Lydia will do what most experienced sexually open couples do – they’ll stack and suggest something like this:

As their reliable bull (also a sex term – google it), Christopher & Lydia saw it only fitting you get an invite to their annual Christmas sex party. An party at which you meet Maggy and Paulina – and can now take a page out of Peter’s book and make a new three-pronged stack.

Attributions

Post image courtesy of Stephen Leonardi – thank you.

How hard is this going to be?

Let’s start by setting expectations here. How easy this is going to be greatly depends on what type of person you’re looking for, any relevant close friends or acquentences, as well as your attractiveness. While we often hear that everyone is special and all bodies are beautiful, sadly the random threesome game is a bit more brutal – you’ll simply have an easier time the more attractive you are. Demand is high, while supply is often low, especially if you’re looking for women. Personality, for the most part, is secondary in initially finding a willing candidate (albeit a lot more relevant for repeat experiences).

Here’s what you can expect, dependent on what you’re looking for:

Men

If you’re a couple looking for a man, congratulations, you’re spoiled for choices.

There are a slew of men looking for a threesome experience, who are more than willing to accomodate you. You’ll even often find that you can aim higher than you would normally be able to in the dating market.

So go get that former high-school quarterback you’ve been dreaming of – odds are you can.

Women

If, on the other hand, you’re among the 95%+ of couples who are looking for a woman, it becomes a bit trickier. In polyamory and open relationship lingo, there’s a term for a woman willing to participate in a purely sexual relationship with a couple: A unicorn.

While this implies an elusive being, that’s almost mythical in nature, we can however say, as very experienced unicorn hunters, that unicorns are real, plentiful and not at all that mythical. There are just more men than unicorns – and a lot more unicorn hunters than actual unicorns.

Gender non-conforming

If your only preference is someone gender non-conforming (fluid, non-binary, trans etc.) and you are not yourself “in the same boat”, we would caution you. If you’re cisgender, actively “hunting” for someone gender non-conforming can easily come off as fetishizing – kind of like the white couple actively looking for a black man for no other reason than a cliche about large eggplants. Sure, you can find people who are into this and won’t mind. You’re just likely going to piss off some people along the way. It’s likely not worth the grief. Instead, if you want to experience a threesome with someone gender non-conforming, just change your search criteria to be open to everyone. They’re out there and they may be into you as much as you’re into them.

Where to look?

So where do you look? Well, it depends a bit on your acceptable risk to reward ratio.

Option 1: Find someone online (Low risk|Medium reward)

The classic approach these days is to find an interested person who’s actively searching for a threesome online. You can do this through a number of different sites and apps, for example the highly recommendable app Feeld. This is relatively easy if, for example, it’s a man you’re looking for, but it’s oftentimes significantly harder if it’s a woman.

This may seem to support the unicorn claim. However, a lot more women than it may seem, are actually interested in having a threesome with you.

The reason for this is simple: At any given time, a lot more people want a given thing relative to how many are actively looking for that thing. Think of cake: You may not be hankering enough to actively look for a piece of moist chocolate peanutbutter cake right now – but would you say no if offered? No, right? There are a lot more women out there interested in “cake”, than those actively looking for it at any given time, as illustrated by this beautiful infographic I made:

So the pool of available candidates is significantly reduced when purely relying on online candidates actively looking for threesomes, rather than all the ones actually interested.

So how do you fix this problem? You sign up to platforms actively geared towards threesomes (like Feeld), but also to more classic dating apps like Tinder. Essentially, go where the most people are to tap into the biggest group of people interested in a threesome but not actively looking for it. Be sure to present yourself online as an actual couple actively looking for exactly what you’re actually looking for. If that’s a woman, consider what a woman would be most interested in knowing to determine if she wants to get to know you or not. The details here are probably too much for this post alone, but the main points are these:

1. Show who you actually are
   A fully anonymous “couple looking for woman” with no details about you isn’t going to cut it. She needs to get an idea of what kind of people she’ll be talking to – otherwise why start? There are many couples out there – she’s spoiled for choice and she needs to get an idea of whether she’d have chemistry with you.
2. Show what your bodies actually look like
   No, just showing the beautiful wife isn’t going to cut it. You’re two people. She’s going to have to have sex with the both of you. The couple profile hiding the man beyond the woman until the last minute is one of the biggest clichés out there and it DOES.. NOT.. WORK. Stop doing it!
   If you feel one of you isn’t presentable enough to get the women you want yet, go fix that. While you can’t easily fix what God gave you, dieting, exercise and grooming help. I know that’s not what some couples want to hear, but at the end of the day I’d rather you know the tools to succeed than give you false expectations.
3. Realize she’s “powerfully vulnerable”
   You are two people – she’s just the one. She’ll likely be physically weaker than the man in the couple and definitely weaker than the couple combined. So realize that while she’s spoiled for choice, she’s also taking most, if not all, of the risk. You could be psycho murderers. You should go out of your way to make her both be and feel safe, appreciated and comfortable. Make sure she tells a friend where she’s going to meet you. Do not have unfair expectations. Make sure you have enthusiastic consent. Do not consider her a toy for your amusement. Her purpose is not to serve as your human sextoy – she’s a living, breathing woman with fantasies and desires. Make it at least as much about her as it’s about you – preferably more.

Do all of this and I’d say your odds are pretty decent. As mentioned, we’re experienced “unicorn hunters” and the above points are all things we do – including at one point improving the man’s attractiveness because he got a bit too lazy during the last couple of years of university

Note that points 1-2 above don’t actually mean you can’t be somewhat anonymous online. You don’t have to show your face, nor provide details that would make you easily identifiable – most people respect discretion and actually want it themselves. You just have to show enough to make them curious. You don’t have to be overly sexual or anything. You can seduce them the rest of the way over a more private messaging app like Snapchat, Kik etc.

On the whole, this approach is pretty low risk, as you can be fairly anonymous when looking online. The reward is potentially good, as you can find many great experiences with people you met online. It can be a bit hit n’ miss at times though. We’ve had many great experiences, we’ve had some okay experiences and we’ve had a few bad ones. The quality varies greatly and you need strategies to ensure there’s actually chemistry in real life, not just over Snapchat, Kik or Tinder. During our early days we didn’t have any such strategies, leading to a few awkward sexual experiences.

Option 2: Seduce a friend (High risk|High reward)

Almost all “top threesome tip” lists will tell you having a threesome with a friend is a bad idea. We’re here to tell you those tips are wrong (for the most part).

Granted – This approach is a lot more risky, as it involves actually speaking to people whom know you and essentially asking them to have sex with you and your significant other. It’s one of the those things that, for some, can end their friendships. For others however, it becomes the start of a new and slightly more complicated friends with benefits setup that can span over years, where you will likely have the opportunity to have much more meaningful experiences, than with a stranger. It also lends itself into more poly-type relationships, if you’re into that sort of thing. It’s a bit more permanent though, so if you’re not sure you want to make this a lifestyle rather than a one-time thing, we would recommend keeping it to acquintences rather than close friends. Once you’ve had sex with someone it’s harder to go back to just friends. The risks for lost friendships, jealousy, exposure of your plans to friends, colleagues and family are all there though, so consider if the risk is worth it.

We’ve had great success having sexual relationships with friends and have only tried a couple of times that it backfired and changed the friendship going forward.

Option 3: Go to a sex club (Medium risk|Medium reward)

Another good option, that can actually work quite well, is simply going to a sex club catering for this sort of thing. It’s higher risk than doing it online, as people can actually see you. Your only anonymity is the fact that the other people there probably don’t know you and there are rules against talking about other members outside the clubs. Even so though, if you’re a celebrity and you want to have a little secret threesome, this is probably not the approach for you. Someone will eventually snitch if you’re famous enough.

What clubs to go to will greatly depend on where you live. In Denmark, good choices would be Tucan and CS1/CS2. In something like Berlin, places like KitKatKlub and INSOMNIA are good. Clientel will vary heavily from club to club, with some catering for a young audience, others a more mature one and others again a more fetish-oriented one. We would personally go to Tucan if going for a club, as it has a very young and diverse clientel, which fits our preference. But just take a look at what’s close to you and go visit those clubs. You don’t have to do anything there – you can just visit, watch and go back home inspired, horny or ready for someplace new. After a few visits you’ll probably have a good idea if any of the clubs are the place for you. At that point it’s just like going to any normal club – find someone you’re interested in, approach them and then talk and flirt with them, to see if there’s chemistry. If you’re lucky, you’ll be finding a private room together soon thereafter. We’ve had quite a lot of success this way, albeit it relies on you being able to flirt and charm in person. So consider if that’s the right fit for you – it’s definitely a game favoring extroverts.

We’re of course not familiar with all the good places around the world – if you do know of a good place near you, feel free to leave a comment – we’d love to know.

Now, lastly, you might be thinking: “But Sara, I’m not a swinger”. That’s fine – most people attending aren’t. You don’t become a swinger just because you go to a club where swinging happens, just as you don’t become a pro soccer player just because you went to a stadium or played little league soccer. You’re a swinger if you believe what you’re doing is swinging – swinging doesn’t have a fixed defnition. Some people will call themselves a swinger just because they once kissed another guy than their boyfriend in a club. Others won’t call themselves that unless they’re in a 100% open relationship and their wife regularly bangs all the neighbors. Some won’t ever call themselves swingers because they just don’t like the term and the prejudice attached to it. Bottom line: Drop the labels – it’s not important. You’re just open and sexual individuals. You don’t have to be more specific than that.

Attributions

Post image courtesy of Womenizer Toys – thank you.