Whether it’s ethical non-monogamy, swinging or even sometimes polyamory, most normal people in open-style relationships are worried about the social backlash if “exposed” and as such generally choose to stay semi-anonymous or fully avoid speaking publicly.

Choosing to outwardly maintain a facade of monogamy, while inwardly doing anything but. In fact, we are ourselves guilty of this, for the same reasons. We are not fully public.

So while most of us stay hidden and don’t publicly show the way forward, some shining beacons of light do exist on Instagram.

Here are some of the accounts we actively follow and think you should too if you’re interested in open relationships.

Sarah Stroh (@monogamish_me)

Let’s just start by stating the obvious: Sarah is badass.

She’s openly non-monogamous, polyamorous and currently (at time of writing) even pregnant – while still actively practicing non-monogamy.

She’s also incredible open and honest, even when her thoughts and opinions are going to seriously provoke hardcore monogamists and the more conservative crowd.

That’s really putting yourself out there for all to see and all the crazies to attack.

But here’s the thing – that’s not really what you see if you check out her Instagram.

Sure, there are some negative people on there attacking her, calling her selfish and all kinds of things. But the vast majority of the comments she gets are from people who feel represented and who support her.

You’ll also find her content is incredible varied. Check out this post about being a “surprise unicorn” when you thought you were hooking up with a guy:

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Or this incredibly honest post about how she recognizes her occasional feelings of jealousy and anger, are sometimes motivated by wanting to be a victim and wanting attention, rather than strengthening their shared relationship:

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A post shared by Sarah Stroh (@monogamish_me)

In many ways, we identity a lot with Sarah and how she does things. All in all, she has a lot of good stuff. You should really check her out on Instagram and on her other platforms linked here.

Elizabeth Cunningham (@elzcunningham)

Yet another wonderful woman on Instagram, sharing her life as a queer polyamorous woman.

Elizabeth, like Sarah, has a lot content available (including an OnlyFans for you dirty people out there .. looking at you Carl), but unlike Sarah it is mostly centered around polyamory specifically.

This is especially interesting for us, as this is a quite different take on non-monogamy than what we usually do. As such, following Elizabeth provides new insights for us on a subject we personally don’t know enough about. Elizabeth broadens our horizons.

While we do consider ourselves “poly-ish”, and have had instances of more emotional connections with third parties both together and apart, it is not a primary defining feature of our relationship, nor the way we generally practice non-monogamy. This is an avenue where we have room to grow.

Historically, we’ve been a lot more about sexual exploration together and apart. Sharing pleasure and experiences with different people. In contrast again, Elizabeth has never attended a sex party of any kind and seems primarily motivated by the act of romantically dating multiple people, rather than sex:

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Also check out this post where she describes how she realized she was polyamorous:

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A post shared by Elizabeth Cunningham (@elzcunningham)

All in all, as with Sarah, Elizabeth has a lot of good stuff. Check her out on Instagram or any of her other platforms linked here (yes – her OnlyFans link is also in there Carl.. you dirty bastard)

Jen & Marc (@jenandmarc1)

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Et opslag delt af Jen and Marc (@jenandmarc1)

Jean and Marc are objectively a fun and inspiring couple who are open about being swingers, or a “lifestyle couple” as many also call it. Admittedly perhaps stretching the concept of “normal people” seeing as they were both on UK Channel 4’s Open House: The Great Sex Experiment, a TV-show about couples trying out open relationships.

Why did we include them then? Because for one: They’re objectively funny:

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And two, despite mostly sharing thirst traps and skits, a lot of their content also shares real insights into how it’s like living as a lifestyle couple and the stigma certain parts of society can put upon this sort of lifestyle:

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… also this one felt incredibly relatable… sigh:

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A post shared by Jen and Marc (@jenandmarc1)

All in all – Jen & Marc are awesome. Hoping to see them back for season 3 of Open House: The Great Sex Experiment, when it hopefully airs at some point. Give them a follow and check out their other stuff linked here (yes Carl – there’s also an OnlyFans link there.. god dammit dude)

With an increased number of sexual encounters come an increased risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease (STD) or more accurately a sexually transmitted infection (STI), as it’s called today.

How do you prevent getting an STI?

In all honesty, there is no way to prevent it beyond being fully abstinent. Which is obviously no fun.

Instead, you should aim to reduce your risk and make regular testing a scheduled activity with your doctor or at an open clinic. You need to be honest with your doctor, so that they test for everything you could likely be exposed to. So don’t bullshit them and act as if you’re monogamous if you’re not – they might test for fewer things if they think that.

How to reduce your risk

Reducing your risk of STIs is both a question of choosing the right partners, making the right preventative choices and then protecting yourself during the actual sex act.

How risky is your partner?

Choosing the right partners is down to determining your risk in interacting with someone new. Do they have a lot of different partners? Are they being safe with those partners? Do they do STI testing? The answers to these questions will usually tell you all you need to know about your risk from a new partner.

What do you do if a new partner is high risk and you don’t want high risk – Don’t have sex with them?! Duh?! Find another proverbial fish in the sea.

Vaccinations

These days, several STIs are so well understood that you can actually combat many of them using the right preventative measures.

Take the human papillomavirus (HPV) for example. There are many different variants of HPV, some creating no issues, others causing genital warts and a few causing various cancers (e.g., cervical, penile and more). There are no screening tests for most of these, but you can actually prevent many of them by getting an HPV vaccine. In many countries, this vaccine is now standard for young preteens as a means to erradicate many HPV variants before these young people become sexually active.

While usually aimed at the younger population, older individuals can also benefit from the vaccine, since you’re unlikely to have contracted all HPV variants the vaccine protects against. Even if you have one or two of them dorment in you, the vaccine might prevent the really dangerous ones from ever getting to you.

So if there’s one thing I really recommend everyone do, it’s get the HPV vaccine – it’ll likely cost you some money, but it’s a worthwhile investment. Both Sara and I have the HPV vaccine and paid for it ourselves as adults. Well worth it.

Barrier methods (e.g., condoms)

When you’ve decided to go ahead and have sex, the next step would be to employ a barrier method to reduce infection risks. Using condoms is obviously one of the easiest things you can do to not only protect against pregnancy, but also protect against many sexually transmitted diseases (STIs).

Despite what many think though, condoms won’t protect against all pregnancies and it also won’t protect against all STIs. Some examples of STIs it won’t protect against are herpes (HSV-1 and HSV-2), HPV (e.g., genital warts) and scabies. Really just anything that can transmit through skin to skin contact, seeing as the condom only covers some of the guy’s private parts.

You’re probably also not going to use condoms or dental dams for oral sex (almost no one does), so there’s also the risk of transmitting something like syphilis that way.

At the end of the day here, you’re not aiming for ‘perfect’, but rather ‘good enough’.

What is the actual risk of an STI?

Thankfully, for the most part, STIs are more of a nuisance than an actual problem, since many of the most common STIs are completely cureable or suppressable to the point where they don’t really matter. There’s a lot more stigma surrounding STIs than there’s actual risk of long-lasting effects from them.

As long as you keep an eye on your STI status and communicate any updates, the actual risk involved is pretty low.

Take for example syphilis. If left untreated it can create damage to your organs and nerves, as well as leave you infertile. However it’s incredible treatable and 100% curable with very little effort. Usually just one injection of an antibiotic and that’s that. In many ways, syphilis is less of a problem than the flu – when you know you have it.

This is actually the case for many of the most common STIs. Both syphilis, gonorrhoea, chlamydia and trichomoniasis are normally completely curable with little effort.

So getting those STI really should not create any panic in neither you, nor your partners. Just keep an eye on it and don’t wait for symptoms. Do regularly scheduled testing.

But what about uncurable STIs?

While some STIs are completely curable, there are others that are not. Most of these are thankfully also much less of a problem than some people make them out to be.

Herpes is one of the common STIs with a ton of stigma. It’s essentially uncurable, with Herpes Simplex Variant 1 (HSV-1) creating sores on your mouth and lips and Herpes Simplex Variant 2 (HSV-2) creating sores on your genitals. It’s one of those STIs where condoms also don’t really protect you, as infection comes from skin to skin contact.

Here’s the thing though: Many people are afraid of Herpes, but at the same time completely clueless about what it is and how prevelant it is. A whopping 2/3 of the entire world’s population have HSV-1. Your new sex partner is more likely to have HSV-1 than blue eyes. You are more likely to already have HSV-1 than you are contracting it from someone you meet.

What about HSV-2 then? Genital herpes (HSV-2) is generally considered to be worse than HSV-1, despite it obviously being the same overall sensation, just in a different place. It is also less prevalent, but a ton more than people think. As of 2016, 13.2% of the entire world’s population have HSV-2 according to WHO. Aiming in on America specifically, it’s just under 17% or 1/6 according to WebMD. That means that a great deal of people you know are living with this uncurable disease that, for the most part, doesn’t seem to affect their lives much.

Why doesn’t it affect them much? Because it’s often asymptomatic. It can create symptoms in some and it can also resurface. But it’s generally made out to be much more problematic than it actually is. Some have it bad yes, but even for them there’s treatment to keep it mostly at bay and anti-viral medication to keep infection spread risks low.

You can test for HSV-2 using a blood test, but you do often need to actively ask your doctor to do so. So bare that in mind if you’re wondering if you already have it. 1/6 of you probably do, despite not knowing.

What about HIV/AIDS?

Sure, there’s HIV and AIDS – the big bad STI that everyone fears. Historically this fear has been very warranted with over 40 million dead from AIDS worldwide.

Thankfully though, we’re not in the 80s anymore. Your risk of actually getting HIV is extremely low. Beyond blood transfussions with infected blood, the highest risk factor is receiving unprotected anal sex from an HIV-positive person. But even then the risk is surprisingly low – around 1,3% per act (136 out of 10000).

Even if you were so incredible unlucky to contract HIV, your doctor can help control the infection to such a degree that you likely won’t ever develop AIDS and your risk of infecting anyone with your HIV is greatly reduced. If you do engage in activities with an increased risk of interacting with HIV-positive individuals, it is however recommended to do a preventative treatment called Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis or PrEP. Doing PReP reduces the risk of contracting HIV by a whopping 99%. If you’re curious if PrEP is right for you, contact your health professional.

In general, if you’re a part of a community where HIV-infection is more common, I would always recommend consulting your doctor before engaging in any risky behaviour. Despite treatment options and HIV not likely killing you anymore, it’s still a very serious disease. Your particular situation may warrant being extra cautious.

Should you disclose your status to new sex partners?

In general yes, you should share any current issues and when you were last tested.

Having sex with any partner is all about consent. If they don’t understand the risk they’re taking by engaging in sexual activity with you, their consent isn’t really valid.

That being said, should you tell them about suppressed infections that don’t pose a significant risk to them?

Assume for example you have HSV-2, you’re taking anti-viral medication and you don’t have an active outbreak. Or maybe you know you must have a dorment HPV infection, since you had genital warts 10 years ago, but you’ve had no issues since then?

In these cases I would still say you should ideally disclose this, but I honestly understand if you don’t. There’s still a lot of stigma surrounding STIs and people fundamentally don’t understand the actual risk involved. You can very easily be labeled “unclean”, while in reality you’re more careful than most, because you actually went to the trouble of testing and taking precautions.

Most adults have several variants of HPV, but don’t know about it. In fact, it’s estimated that more than 90% of men and 80% of women get at least one HPV infection during their lifetime. They may even have had warts, but just didn’t notice or didn’t get them tested before they went away on their own. Also, seeing as 1/6 in the US have HSV-2, it’s a safe bet many of your sex partners had it, but either never had symptoms or just didn’t tell you.

Thankfully, both Sara and I are still HSV-2 free. I say that not because the infection worries me, but rather because of the largely unwarranted stigma surrounding that particular diagnosis.

So I do recommend being open – but I also begrudingly understand if you’re not with these super common infections, especially if you’ve been unfairly rejected out of ignorance before.

STI stigma – a real life example

We’ve only ever experienced a few people tell us they had HSV-2 (a lot less than 1/6 btw). One such situation was a woman we’d had sex with prior and had invited to a sex party where another couple and two single people attended as well. Because she was open and told us about her dorment and controlled HSV-2, the other couple asked her to not come.

Did she actually pose a risk to any of us? No, she was on anti-viral medication that suppresses viral shedding and she didn’t have an outbreak. Our real-life risk was very low – arguably much lower than if we had sex with a random person we picked up at a bar. But she was disgarded none the less.

Do I blame the other couple? No, I completely understand their point of view – why have sex with her, when there are other women who don’t have HSV-2 (or don’t know they do).

But it’s events like that, that make me much less judgemental of those who don’t disclose common infections like HSV-2 and HPV. Disclosing opens you up to massive rejections, while omitting does not and doesn’t necessarily expose your partners to any more appreciable risk than if they went with someone else.

I really wish everyone could just be open about every risk factor and everyone react rationally to that information. But sadly, that’s not the world we live in. At least not yet.

So please try to be as honest as possible. But I do get why some omit some of it. When you’ve been burnt a few times for being honest, you start being strategically honest.

Always be open about serious infections

While I do understand (but not condone) not disclosing controlled and dorment HSV-2 or HPV, I don’t think there’s a reasonable argument for not being open about serious infections like HIV and Hepatitis B. In fact, in many countries, not disclosing an HIV positive status could constitute a crime. Take for example the Missouri man charged with exposing 300 people to HIV infection through unprotected sex.

If you’ve had any of those diseases diagnosed, you’re going to have to be open about it. Despite treatments, those are still very serious diseases and require life-long medication to suppress and can actually kill you if you don’t keep treating them.

Bottom line: Take precautions, but don’t worry too much

Yes, a few STIs are scary. No, you’re likely not going to get the scary ones. Some other STIs are a nuisance. You might eventually get one of them, but they’re likely either completely curable with relative ease, or they’re suppressable or dorment enough that you’ll never get much grief from them.

For the most part, the stigma of an STI is a lot worse than the actual STI. Try to be mindful of that when confronted with other honest and loving sex partners that care enough about your self-agency to be honest about their status and any dorment infections. They’re not telling you because you should be scared to be with them, they’re telling you to show they respect you and trust you to be rational.

At the end of the day, the people you should be worried about are not the people who honestly tell you they have well-treated HSV-2 and have had syphilis one time. It’s the person who says they’ve never been tested because they always use condoms or never had symptoms. Those are the clueless ones.

Attributions

Post image courtesy of Anthony Tran – thank you.

Open relationships are a different ballgame.

When you embark on an open relationship with your partner or partners, you really don’t know the rules. In fact, I’d venture the guess that for 100 randomly chosen open relationships, you’ll have almost 100 fairly unique sets of relationship agreements. If you want your open relationship to be successful, you better get a grasp on your mutual desires, experiments, rules and boundaries.

There will be some open relationship purests that’ll tell you any boundaries on a relationship is bad and that you should be able to do whatever you want. They’ll tell you things like “You can only give yourself boundaries – not other people”.

In my humble opinion, these people are wrong. This is an example of unethical non-monogamy. What we’re preaching here is ethical non-monogamy (ENM), i.e. the practice of mutually consentual non-monogamy in either a classic couple relationship or a more loosely defined poly relationship. The kind of open relationship that is actually sustainable long-term.

Whether you’re a monogamous couple considering opening up your relationship or you’re a new couple where both want to do an open relationship from day 1, these strategies will apply to you. For the sake of brevity, I will be assuming the most common example though, which is a couple going from monogamous to open. But for all intents and purposes, whether you’re one or the other doesn’t change much. You can take the same advice and apply it to your situation.

Desires first – boundaries last

If you’re embarking on an open relationship with your previously monogamous partner, you might be tempted to start off this conversation by saying something like: “I have to be okay with anyone you have sex with” or “Don’t hook up with anyone I know”.

Don’t do this!!

Starting with boundaries is not a good idea. You might get away with it, but more likely you’ll limit each other unnecessarily or create resentment down the line.

Instead always start with your desires, write them down separately and exchange lists.

It’s very important you don’t censor yourself here. Thinking your partner will be upset with something on your list isn’t a good argument for not including it. You’ll only be limiting yourself, fooling your partner and creating a potential resentment for later.

Instead try to give each other freedom to express desires in a non-judgemental space. Make it a point to talk about that in advance and agree to have an open mind and not hold a grudge about any desires the other partner turns out not to be okay with. It’s perfectably normal to not be okay with every single desire. You need to prepare yourselves in advance that some of your partner’s desires will likely stir negative feelings in you. This reaction is also normal, but remember not to resent your partner for those desires. It should always be okay to express desires.

Example – Jeff & Joan opens up their marriage

Let’s do an example. Consider a monogamous couple, Jeff and Joan. Jeff and Joan have been married for 10 years now. They have an adventurous sex life and have read about ethical non-monogamy (ENM). They’ve decided to try to open up their relationship and now have to determine what their relationship agreement will be. For this they’ll have to talk desires, define rules, create experiments and determine boundaries.

Each takes a piece of paper and sit in a quiet corner of the house, not discussing together what to write beforehand. After 30 minutes, Jeff & Joan swaps lists. This is what they wrote.

Now, as you can see, there is some overlap here. Jeff and Joan now need to go through each in turn and discuss them.

Dating profile

Both want to create a personal dating account, but Jeff wants it to show his real face and name, whereas Joan wants it to be anonymous. This is the first point of discussion, because Jeff’s choice to be public will obviously impact Joan, since people know they’re a couple.

Since Jeff hadn’t really fully considered the implications of going public anyway, he agrees to only create anonymous dating accounts. This is the first agreement in their new open relationship:

Rule 1: Any dating accounts we create must be anonymous

Swinger clubs

Jeff wants to attend swinger clubs. Joan asks if he wants to have her join him. He says yes – if she’s up for that.

Using experimentation and continuous feedback

Joan isn’t sure if she wants to. She doesn’t have the best impression of what a swinger is and fears it will be uncomfortable or too much. This is where controlled experiments come into play.

Joan agrees to do an experiment in which she’ll try to go to a club with Jeff and then evaluate afterwards whether that’s something she’ll want to do again. Thus we have our first experiment:

Experiment 1: Go to a swingers club together

Experiments are really important when opening up. Unless you’re very experienced you really don’t fully know what you are and aren’t into or okay with. You may have an idea, but usually that’s based on very little actual knowledge or experience. So instead of just saying no to your partner’s desires upfront, try instead to see if you can accept a controlled experiment.

As with any other experiment, the outcome is not known in advance and thus participants have to agree to accept the results of that experiment. Even when those results don’t fit the narrative one wants. So if Joan attends one or more events with Jeff and doesn’t like it, Jeff will have to accept that his ‘Going to swinger clubs’ desire needs to be re-evaluated.

An experiment that results in a negative outcome doesn’t necessarily mean that the relevant partner’s desire can’t be met. In some cases, partners can decide to try a new experiment, for example where Jeff could go alone or with one of his other sexual partners. It’s all about continously evaluating what works and what doesn’t work through experimentation and then coming to a consensual agreement.

Of course, there can be scenarios where a desire simply cannot be met. Either the desire is too much for your partner(s) regardless of setup or they want to satisfy your desire themselves, but simply cannot. For example, a timid male partner unconvincingly trying to take on the role as a BDSM-experienced dominant male.

In those cases the unfulfilled partner must decide if this is a dealbreaker or not. For established monogamous couples, dealbreakers are less likely than for more experienced singles looking for open or poly relationships. I would also in general caution against many dealbreakers, as it may be hard to find any meaningful relationship if you’re too demanding up front. Keep in mind, people change. You may not have the same desires a few years from now, your partner(s) may become better at satisfying them or they may have changed their mind about letting you explore those desires with other partners. So in general: Try to limit dealbreakers to things you simply cannot live without. If two years from now you end up regretting having accepted your desire not being met and you’ve seen no change, you can always break up with your partner(s) and look for new ones.

Multiple sex partners

Both Joan and Jeff have desires relating to having multiple sexual partners, albeit with slight variations. Jeff is focused on his friends-with-benefits (FWB) relationships with women being casual, whereas Joan is more focused on having long-term sexual relationships with the same male partners. This difference may be down to individual wording, or it may be due to an actual difference in opinion as to what is being desired. By stating these desires in their own words, they can more easily catch these differences and discuss them. With some luck, they may find out that they mean the same, even though they use different wordings. They may however also find, that their desires differ and now have to determine if both can be met individually or if they should make a compromise.

Let’s assume for this scenario, that Jeff wanted to keep it very casual with many different female partners over time, whereas Joan wanted to have the same male partners over a longer period, sprinkled with a few casual female hookups. Both are fine with this as long as only a few partners are active at any given time.

So they create the following rule:

Rule 2: We can have a few extra sexual partners at the same time, either the same people over a longer period or more casual hookups

Dealing with vague rules and consent

Notice the wording of “a few” rather than a specific number. Generally we would recommend consent is as specific as possible, but in this case both don’t actually know how many are too many – it’s a gut feeling in the moment. They’ll know when they get there. So instead, they could add an extra rule like the following:

Rule 3: We have to keep each other updated on who our active partners are

Now, this is a very classic ethical non-monogamy / open relationship rule, where the partners are only informed about new or changing partners, usually after the fact. This enables them to feel out if it’s becoming too much, but doesn’t provide much other control or direct consent. If Jeff and Joan wanted a more monogam-ish rule with more specific case-by-case consent, an alternative rule 3 could be:

Rule 3 (Alternative): We keep each other updated on, and agree to, any new potential partners

In general, if you’re going from a fully monogamous relationship and you don’t both have prior successful experience with fully open relationships, I would recommend starting with the alternative rule and perhaps working towards some flavor of the first version, when you’re both comfortable doing it like that. There are no right answers here – just what works for you.

Sometimes stating the obvious is better

When discussing multiple sex partners, Jeff might jokingly say something along the lines of “I’m of course also going to check she’s on the pill. Wouldn’t want to get some other woman pregnant”.

Joan may now be thinking – Wait? Is he not planning on using protection himself?

Here’s the thing: For Joan, condoms at all times is a no-brainer. But it might not be for Jeff or for some of their future sexual partners. Instead of just assuming certain rules are obvious, actually discuss them. You don’t have to put all of them in as firm rules if you’re both 100% on the same page. But do make a point of discussing these “obvious truths” with each other. Sometimes, having a firm rule may also make it easier to get sexual partners to comply, as breaking the rule would mean breaking a primary partner’s trust.

In this case, Jeff & Joan might opt to add a fourth rule:

Rule 4: All sexual partners must use condoms for all forms of intercourse (vaginal or anal).

Note that I didn’t add oral protections like condoms for blowjobs or dental dams for licking pussy. You could add those rules if you wanted to. They’re just not an example of “something obvious”, as the vast majority don’t use them and just accept the risk of STDs through oral sex.

Also another slight sidenote here: Be aware, rules like rule 4 may eventually be challenged as unfair, seeing as Joan and Jeff are not using condoms when they are together. This can especially be a challenge in more long term secondary or poly relationships. In those scenarios, condoms with new partners and regular testing may be a better option.

Group sex together

Jeff expressed a desire to have group sex with Joan and one or more of their female sex partners. This is a very common setup, that may also be a precursor to the open relationship itself. It’s seldom the case that a couple go for an open relationship before they’ve tried something like a threesome.

So let’s assume Jeff and Joan are fairly common and that they’ve already had a threesome with a woman before, but not with a man. So Joan is not opposed to this desire, albeit she wants to not limit it to her female sexual partners. She wants to have group sex with Jeff and her male partners as well.

This may not be to Jeff’s liking. Some people will feel that being okay with their partner having sex with others is not the same as being okay with actually seeing it. Jeff might not be particularly fond of some of Joan’s partners or may feel emasculated if her secondary partner is physically superior to him. These concerns may make Jeff hesitant to accept this change.

Now, Joan could rightly assert here that she’s literally in the same boat and is not complaining. She might not have been comfortable having to watch Jeff have sex with his female partners, nor comfortable being compared to them. So she’s being the bigger person here by not being jealous when doing group sex with women and Jeff should be better as well.

Don’t do this!!

Partners are allowed to react differently to the same circumstances. Often times we come with different baggage, different insecurities and different experience. Just because one person is okay with their partner doing something, does not mean that partner has to reciprocate.

In a case like this, where there’s varying experience, I would always suggest an experiment to get both partners up to the same level of experience. So that could be something like this:

Experiment 2: Have a threesome together with one of Joan’s male sexual partners.

Same goes here as for the other experiment. Joan needs to accept the outcome of the experiment. If it turns out Jeff isn’t okay with doing group sex with Joan’s male partners, she needs to then decide if she’s okay with a rule only allowing group sex between them and Jeff’s female partners. Ideally, this decision should in no way be informed by “fairness”, in that they are different people with different feelings – Jeff should not be punished for his feelings.

Dependent on the outcome of the experiment, they may create a rule concerning group sex or they may choose to include one matching Jeff’s desire straight away and then modify it later on after the experiment. Both of these approaches are equally valid.

Multiple romantic partners

Joan has expressed a desire for a secondary romantic partner sometime in the future. Upon reading this, Jeff may feel upset and jealous. He may become angry, but should try to control this feeling if at all possible. Desires should never be belittled or attacked. Instead he should express interest in understanding why Joan has this desire.

Let’s assume, for the sake of argument, that Joan’s desire stems from missing that initial spark of romance when interacting with a new romantic partner. Maybe she’s not looking for a “husband #2”, but rather a set of hot romantic summer flings, that will come and go. Jeff remains the primary partner and none of the secondaries are long lasting. This would likely be a significantly easier pill to swallow than a long-term polyamorous relationship, if Jeff has never considered such a thing.

If on the other hand Joan’s desire was a long term polyamorous relationship, Jeff might simply not be open to that at present and can’t consent. He might think he would never be okay with that, but here I’d caution him to avoid speaking in absolutes. He does not know what he’ll be okay with 5 years down the line. He might find his own secondary partner he catches feelings for and be the one to suggest a polyamorous relationship later on, rather than Joan.

So instead of just giving it a blanket ‘No’, they should either park it and re-evaluate in a year, or they should do an experiment. Given the big divide between their desires here, the experiment needs to be fairly benign in scope. An obvious thing to go for could be:

Experiment 3: Watch a polyamory documentary together

This may seem small right now, but it’s these small steps that help bridge gaps in desires without stepping on anyone’s toes. After an experiment like that it’s perfectly valid to create a new and more elaborate experiment, delving deeper into the subject matter. Eventually, Jeff & Joan may get to a place where they feel they can experiment with polyamory for real.

Primary priority

Jeff has expressed a desire to be Joan’s primary priority. Upon further discussion it’s revealed that what he means by this is that Joan prioritize time with him over her other partners. He doesn’t want to be sitting alone at home and hardly ever seeing her.

This is a very common desire in a monogamous couple opening up and realistically most couples will end up creating rules around this, unless they’re very experienced. A common example of such a rule:

Rule 5: We can only have two dates with secondary partners per week

Let’s assume Jeff & Joan created that rule. Now comes the next issue. Both Jeff & Joan are gone from their home two nights a week. What if they aren’t the same nights? That would end up meaning that Jeff & Joan only spend 3 out of 7 nights together per week. To combat this issue they create an extra rule

Rule 6: We must coordinate date nights, so we’re gone on the same nights

Now, realistically, this rule may not always be plausible. It’s highly dependent on the schedules of the people involved. Even if we assume it is though, Jeff & Joan need to consider what happens if one of their dates gets sick or has to cancel – can the other still partner still go? What if they can’t agree on which nights it is in a given week? These considerations don’t have to be hard and fast rules if both parties are fairly alligned. As long as they’re having the discussion beforehand, as this will eliminate a lot of conflict later on when these things eventually do happen.

For some couples, just starting with a single day per week or every other week could also be more than enough. That would make the planning concerns much less complicated.

Exploring BDSM with a secondary partner

Finally, Joan has expressed a desire to explore BDSM with a secondary partner. This is a surprisingly common desire many women have, especially when they desire a very dominant partner that can treat them properly as a submissive or slave. For some women, having their primary romantic partner take on this role simply does not satisfy the kink and is not believable for them. As such, the only way to truly explore BDSM for them is to do it with someone else.

Let’s assume Jeff is aware that he’s no dom and that he has no issue with such an arrangement. So long as he’s not made part of that play in any way, as he does not want to play the part of a submissive to any of Joan’s sexual partners (e.g., through hotwife/cuckold play).

Jeff & Joan could choose to create a rule 7 for this setup, worded something along the lines of the following:

Rule 7: We can have BDSM relationships with others, e.g. master/slave or dom/sub. These power dynamics must however not impact or involve our mutual relationship.

They could also choose to say this was part of Rule 2 and just either add an addendum or verbally agree that this is one of the ways in which Rule 2 could be used. You don’t need to write firm rules if you both fully agree and can remember the boundaries.

Bringing it all together and building a feedback loop

Jeff & Joan now have a set of desires, a set of rules and perhaps some experiments they have to go do together or apart. As a result they now have some understanding of the boundaries in their relationship, including what’s okay and what’s not okay. What they still have to realize though is this:

This is not the complete set of all boundaries in their relationship.

They may have covered most things, but not all.

Some things will be mutually understood, but unsaid. For example: “Don’t have sex with my sister”.

That’s probably one boundary most couples won’t have to discuss and actually write down. It’s not going to be inferred by any rule, but still probably safe to assume as a boundary for most couples.

However, it’s very likely that there will be other situations where both parties think they’re on the same page, but they’re actually not. These may not come up until they occur naturally, when one partner either does something that was over the line or suggests doing it.

For example, let’s say Joan thinks Jeff is okay with her having sex with one of his friends, but Jeff is most certainly not okay with that. Jeff may be lucky that Rule 3 is worded in such a way that Joan tells him about her intentions before she acts. But it’s probably more likely she will at least have made advances before Jeff gets wind of it. In this situation, Jeff’s feelings are hurt and he will feel cheated on to some extent. Joan overstepped a boundary she wasn’t aware of.

If Joan goes all the way and has sex with this friend before Jeff knows about it, he may feel downright betrayed and the act could even threathen their marriage – even though Joan didn’t technically break any of their relationship rules. The boundary was there, it just wasn’t expressed.

This is why “staying faithful” in open relationships is so complicated. It requires a ton of practice and careful continuous discussion to make sure you always have consent for what you’re doing together or apart.

You will fail eventually. You’re unlikely to have a perfect run where none of you ever cross a line.

How good you were at communicating and re-evaluating together will determine how succesful you are when you hit those boundaries or downright run past them.

For most couples, I would always suggest adding a base rule 0, which may help combat some of these issues:

Rule 0: If an experience is allowed by these rules, but explores new territory (e.g., new kinks, partner types, locations, scenarioes etc.) then discuss it together first before acting.

It’s conceivable Joan would have recognized neither of them had ever had sex with each other’s friends before and therefore discussed it first, realizing Jeff’s objection.

At the end of the day though, even with Rule 0 you’re likely to eventually experience hurt feelings or get jealous. This is normal. Use it to grow as a couple. Re-evaluate your desires, your rules and your resulting boundaries. Try out new experiments to help combat negative feelings in a controlled manner. Recognize that your partner is always trying to do what they think is right and that people make mistakes. Making a mistake is not the end of the world unless you decide it is.

In conclusion

The takeaways to remember here

• Always start with desires and be non-judgemental.
• When possible, do an experiment instead of saying no.
• The boundaries you determine are not complete and they are not static.
• You must continously re-evaluate your desires, your rules and any experiments.
• You must do this together, both on a scheduled regular basis and after experiences that may have moved you or changed desires/boundaries.
• You will eventually make mistakes – forgive each other and learn from it.

Do all of this and there’s a decent chance you can make this work in the long run. We’re rooting for you.

Attributions

Post image courtesy of Nik Shuliahin – thank you.

He’s an attractive guy, perhaps even objectively more attractive than her – so what gives? Why is she so much more successful?

This is, sadly, not that uncommon.

Why does this happen?

If you haven’t guessed it on your own, I’ve illustrated it with a little Venn diagram to make it more clear.

It’s basically just supply and demand – Market powers at play. The pool of available candidates are vastly different in the two scenarios. A man in an open relationship will, for the most part, experience that he can only attract the relatively modest group of single women looking for casual fun and the very small group of women experienced in open relationships.

The woman on the other hand will have the pick of a vast pool of single men. They are often more likely to be looking for casual experiences. They are likely also more open to engaging in an open relationship on a “friends with benefits” type basis.

Your milliage may vary and it’ll probably depend a bit on the country, but for the most part, this is the lay of the land.

So all things being equal, a woman will have an easier time finding partners in a sexually motivated open relationship, than a man. When starting out you should have this in mind and decide how you want to deal with it.

Does polyamory change this situation?

Yes, absolutely.

Many men who would be willing to have sex with someone in an open relationship, will not be willing to engage in that relationship in a romantic fashion. We’re sadly lacking some hard statistical evidence here, but from the relatively modest groups of people we personally know living a poly lifestyle, most have reported it’s about as hard to find sustainable male and female partners.

When it’s not just a purely sexual relationship, other factors come into play that even the playing field.

That said, we’re aware most people who are interested in open relationships are not interested in poly. For most, it’s about fulfilling sexual desires that the primary partner alone either can’t or won’t. So a purely sexual motivation.

What can we do about it?

Assuming you’re set on a sexually motivated open relationship, there are things you can do to make your situation better. Here are some tips to consider.

Tip #1 – Live with it. It’ll get better

Yeah, we know – not the greatest tip. But honestly this is what most people should do.

While the woman may be able to get 3, 4 or even 8 times as many dates as the man in a short amount of time, this will even out over time in practice. Yeah, you can go on a bunch of dates, but you can’t realistically maintain 8 different “friends with benefits” anyway. So over time you will likely both have one or two regular sexual partners. She’ll just have had a larger pool to choose them from initially (and perhaps more “trial runs”).

All in all, if you are okay with the fact that she will be having sex with more people initially, just let it happen and stay the course. It will likely even out over time and you’ll be fine.

Just make sure that you are actually okay with it. It’s not about weathering the storm. If the first 6-12 months of your open relationship feels like torture, it will do more harm than good to your longterm primary relationship.

Remember – an open relationship is the extreme sports of romantic entanglements. It can and will go wrong if you don’t take precautions. You have to feel it out and not just sacrifice yourself.

Tip #2 – Fix existing imbalances

One of the major issues we often see is that the man and the woman in the couple are just objectively not at the same level. While this may not matter within the primary relationship, people outside the relationship will not feel the same way.

If the woman is a young, fit and beautiful women who spends 4 hours in the gym and eats right, while the man is significantly overweight and hasn’t seen the inside of a gym in 5 years, the initial imbalance of an open relationship is not the primary problem.

While it is true open relationships, poly, swinging and the like are for all shapes and sizes, the brutal reality is that not all shapes and sizes are equally successful.

All other things being equal, a healthy and fit person will simply have an easier time finding partners. Both initially and in the long run.

So if you’re a couple where one of you is fit and the other is not, this would be the first thing to fix. You’re probably experiencing a much greater imbalance in the number of dates specifically because of this. People are just too nice to tell you to your face, that that’s the reason.

You can’t really change what god gave you, but you can make sure it’s being shown in the best possible light through diet, exercise, grooming etc. You can do it.

Tip #3 – Create a counterbalance

So you’re pretty sure you’re already equally fit and attractive, so Tip #2 isn’t relevant for you? Guess what – the solution from tip #2 still is.

As we’ve covered, an open relationship is initially imbalanced in the woman’s favor. How do you balance this? Well, how do you balance yourself when you’re teetering over a cliff? You counterbalance the weight.

As a man, you should not aim to be as fit and attractive as your female partner. You should aim higher.

The sad truth is that a very fit semi-ripped man is likely to be about as successful as a chubby untrained woman. It’s unfair, I know. But that’s simply the reality that most people will experience.

So if you, as a man, really want to experience an open relationship where you’re equally successful throughout, make sure that you are as attractive as can be and significantly more fit than your female partner.

It likely won’t fully balance it initially, just due to the lower supply of available women – but it will be much better.

Tip #4 – Practice social skills

No amount of abs will counter horrible game. Just as with tip #2, if your social skills as a guy are subpar compared to your female partner, fix this. The easiest way to do this is practice with your partner. While it may be awkward to hit on your existing partner for practice, it’ll be significantly less awkward than trying (and failing) with strangers.

She should also be very interested in helping you out. After all, the more successful you are, the more likely her open relationship will last.

Unlike tip #3, we wouldn’t suggest deliberately outperforming your partner on this one though. This will likely just create resentment or manipulative patterns that no one wants. When it comes to social skills, you should try to improve together. At the end of the day, you should both be interested in improving each other’s social skills and none of you need to be pickup artists.

Tip #5 – Set limits

If you feel like you’ve done what you can to balance your experience, but the imbalance is still problematic, we would recommend renegotiating the limits on your open relationship. Specifically we would suggest imposing shared limits on the number of prospects and dates you engage with at any given time.

Specifically, you could agree to only arrange a fixed number of dates per month. If she happens to have four candidates for each date, she’ll just have to pick one.

You could also choose to limit the number of active prospects. Essentially saying you can only have x number of people on your chat at any given time.

There are many options here. How you arrange it is really only limited by your shared imagination. What you should be focused on is what you’re mutually comfortable consenting to at any given time. You have to mutually agree on this one, with no pressure in either direction.

Now, this may seem unfair to the most successful person. It’s not like it’s necessarily their fault they’re more attractive on the market. At the end of the day though, they may be the most successful person in the couple, but if they’re not careful, they may inadvertently have to be successful as a single person instead.

In an open relationship, the limits are always up for renegotiation. Limits that both parties are not truly comfortable with are not true consented limits. It’s all about consent and consent can always be withdrawn. If you can’t live with that, an open relationship is likely not for you. Your first and foremost concern should be your primary relationship.

Take care to continously renegotiate terms, so you’re both always happy and comfortable. This is the best way to ensure longivity in your relationship.

Attributions

Inline images courtesy of Bruce Mars and Towfiqu Barbhuiya – thank you.
Post image courtesy of Elena Mozhvilo – thank you.