Yes, it’s that time of year again. Time for Christmas lights, gifts, stuffing stockings and spreading joy. If you’re like us, one of the key difficulties during Christmas is picking out the right gifts for people. Even if they’re good at writing wishlists, gift-giving can at times seem like a complicated mutual exchange of monetary value through unnecessary purchases.

Add to this a shared household economy, giving gifts to your partner(s) as an adult may start to seem a bit pointless. A lot of couples fall into the trap of just giving each other practical things they would have bought anyway. That’s not what Christmas is about.

We’re here to tell you about a better way. Give your partner(s) dirty gifts for Christmas.

The secret dirty wishlist

Sure, you need to keep up the facade of boring normalcy, so have a normal wishlist with normal boring wishlist stuff.. socks, books and stuff. Distribute that thing to all the normies.

But apart from this, we suggest you and your Christmas-happy sexual partners, make secret dirty wishlists for Christmas. What should you put on your secret dirty wishlists? Glad you asked – here are a number of options, in increasing difficulty.

Sex toys

Face it. You likely have sex toys you’d love to receive for Christmas, but there’s no way in hell you’re adding that to a wishlist you’re sending to your mom.

Being a sex-positive family is great an all, but it gets super awkward when your family member is indirectly responsible for your next orgasm.

So instead of going through all that trauma, add the sex toys you want to your secret dirty wishlist instead. People who are usually responsible for your next orgasm will gladly buy assistance for it.

One-on-one experiences

Ever wanted your partner to do that one dirty thing to you, but you’ve been reluctant to bring it up in the moment?

Instead of going through the awkwardness of asking in the moment for something your partner may not be into and getting this reaction, add it to your dirty Christmas wishlist instead.

Sure, she may still not be into it, in which case she’s probably not going to give you that gift. But maybe – just maybe – this is the year you get to try out that Furry sex you’ve been dreaming about.

These are a few of the real one-on-one experiences we’ve had on our wishlists the past years:

You can take these wishes as far as your kinkyness can carry you. Believe me – our full lists have some seriously kinky stuff on there as well (no, I’m not sharing that ).

The beauty of gifting one-on-one experiences like this is that it’s gifts that are free, easy to do, fully unique, encourage exploration together and that you know the recipient genuinely wants. Soo much better than socks.

So are we suggesting you gift this sort of experience on Christmas eve or Christmas morning? No.. obviously not. That would just be super awkward for everyone else there
We personally allocate +/- 1 month around Christmas as the official “Dirty Christmas Gift” period. Any time during that period is fair game for a dirty surprise.

Arranged experiences

The last category of gift we put on our dirty Christmas wishlists is simultaneously one of the most fun, but also the hardest to successfully give.

It’s quite similar to the category before in that it’s sexual experiences. What ramps up the difficulty significantly is that it involves other people. Sometimes named people, sometimes unnamed.

I’m gonna be honest. Gifting these kinds of experiences usually require you to have a bit of a network of sexual partners who are up for fun experiences. But assuming you have that or you’re good at Tinder, you can create some seriously special Christmas memories.

Here are some examples from our dirty wishlists over the years (we’ve removed specific names – for obvious reasons):

You might be wondering – So how likely is it to actually arrange these? Well, all the examples above aren’t just wishes. They’re wishes fulfilled. So if you have enough of a network and a bit of persistence, it’s definitely possible.

Just as with any other experience with other people though, remember to focus on why this would benefit them rather than why it would benefit you. They are not props in your sexual experiences. While it should be a gift for your partner, you should really also aim at making it a gift for them. Otherwise they’re unlikely be to interested.

For example, instead of trying to get a random woman to agree to be dominated by Sara in front of me, she suggested it to a woman she knew had a fetish for submission and wanted to explore being submissive to a woman. So while it was a gift for me, it was simultaneously also a gift for her really.

Do that, and your odds of a hot and dirty Christmas are quite good.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Attributions

Featured photo by Nina Mercado on Unsplash

How to go from pleasant hellos to high-pitched o’s? There a quite a few different strategies we see people using out there, including some we use ourselves.

Here are four strategies for getting the ball rolling with a new sexual partner.

1. Talk it out

Meeting new people can for many be stressful. Meeting new people you know you’re planning to have sex with is even more so.

So for a lot of new partners out there, even if you’re ready to just go for it, they probably aren’t. What you should do instead is treat it like any other date or dinner party.

If you’re at home then offer them a drink and give them a tour. Perhaps dwell on any interesting things in your home and tell them the story behind it. You can plan all of this stuff out in advance to a certain degree, so you know you’re presenting yourself in a good light and can make yourself and your new partner(s) relax. If you’re a funny type of individual, try to diffuse the tention with humor. No knock knock jokes or anything though – keep it natural. You’re not doing standup.

If you’re at their place let them set the pace at first. If they’re kinda droppin the ball on that, you can take the initiative instead and start off by looking around the room and asking about any of the items there. Maybe they have a weird souvenir from Barcelona on the shelf – ask them about it and get them talking. People tend to relax when they get in the rythm of talking about things they know and enjoy.

If you’re in public, perhaps at a bar, then normal dating rules apply. Ask about them, what they do, what they like to do etc. etc. You’re likely not going to have sex then and there, so ice breaking in public is less about getting the other person comfortable about having sex, but rather comfortable about going home with you. This is the same as any normal date.

Regardless of the scenario, when you feel like you’re both quite relaxed, look into your partner(s) eyes and compliment something about them. Maybe say something like “You have really beautiful lips. Mind if I kiss them?”.

As soon as that first kiss lands, that’s usually all you need. The ball will keep rolling from there.

Pros

• Eases partners into sex
• Allows you to get to know each other better
• Really good if you’re naturally extroverted

Cons

• Usually very time consuming (can easily take most of the evening)
• Can get awkward when you run out of things to talk about, yet you’re not feeling ready yet.
• Can be hard to judge when to “pull the trigger” and initiate sex
• Hard for very introverted people

2. Massage

While doing some talking to new partners is probably necessary, sometimes that just isn’t enough. Either you’re all too introverted to actually initiate sex during the evening or it just takes way too long and gets too awkward.

Instead what you can do is to ask beforehand if you can offer them a massage. Not only will most people be interested in that, it has the benefit of both relaxing your partner(s) and breaking the physical barrier. The distance between massage and sex is just not that big, so you’ll be able to fairly quickly get to the point where the partner receiving the massage wants you to touch them more intimately or wants to kiss you.

If possible, try to provide a full body massage, so you get as much physical connection as possible and so you can look your partner in the eyes during some of the massage as well (this is probably the most likely time for that spontanous kiss). Be sure to ask beforehand if there are conventional parts of their body they don’t want you to massage though, for example feet. Some people have an aversion to being touched specific places, even if it’s not sexual. So be sure to avoid those and remember to ask before letting your hands wander below where a professional would. He/she thus far only consented to a massage, not being fingered – so ask.

Of course this all requires that you actually know what you’re doing. Just as a good massage can get anyone in the mood – a bad massage will quickly put anyone off. You should probably focus on sensual or tantric massage techniques and do a bit of research first.

You could go look at massage tutorials on YouTube, like this one:

Or you could opt for more in-depth illustrated step-by-step material, like one of these books from Amazon, the first of which is available on Kindle as well (paid links):

You could also buy a massage table, but seeing as your goal is to end up having sex, your bed is probably fine unless it’s really soft. You will however need a good assortment of massage oils. Consider buying more than one type, as some may not be fans of a particular scent or ingredient. Here are some suggested options (paid links):

Pros

• Relaxes your partner(s) quickly
• Breaks the physical barrier quickly
• Acts as a form of non-sexual foreplay and can ease you into sex

Cons

• You need to learn how to give a good massage
• You miss the excitement of ripping each other’s clothes off.
• Not everyone will want a massage

3. Playing an ice-breaker game

Another great option is to use any of the many games out there specifically designed to break the ice.

These are games that usually involve giving challenges to one or more partners in the game, making them interact in increasingly sexual ways. Some of them just straight up give you the challenges, with no bells and whistles. Others package the challenges into a broader game dynamic, so as to make it more of a total experience with humor and more ‘get to know you’ type questions mixed in.

The benefit of a game approach to breaking the ice is that it takes some of the pressure of the people participating. It’s much easier to go kiss Janet if the game tells you to, than if you yourself have to choose to kiss Janet. The game giving you “an excuse” is exactly what many people need to break that initial reluctance to act.

As with so many other strategies that involve physical contact, you’re unlikely to get through an entire playthrough. As soon as people start touching and kissing, things usually flow by themselves and you’ll forget all about the game.

There are many different games to choose from, both on your phone/tablet, online and as physical products.

Online

There are a number of online options, e.g., Loveretto and Jadegreen.

Some of these have simple challenge structures, whereas others have bigger game dynamics. Take a look at our review of Loveretto, one of the better online options for multiple partners.

Phone/Tablet

If you’re looking for an option for your iPhone or iPad, consider trying out LoveGame, which supports multiple partners as well. It’s not free though, unlike Loveretto, so be prepared to pay to get more sexual challenges.

For Android the selection is in some ways bigger, but the quality is also a bit lacking. A few good options I’ve been told of are this one and this one. Be aware, only the later of these will support multiple partners. If you’re familiar with better options on Android or run into any in the future, please tell us in the comments. We’d love the suggestion.

Physical products

There are a lot of physical products providing sex challenges, however most are made for couples and not multiple partners. There is one I would recommend though, and that’s Couplicious. It’s especially good when playing more people together, but can also be used by just two partners. Unlike the online and mobile games though, challenges won’t be catered to the participants – so discard challenges that don’t make sense for your context.

You can buy Couplicious here (paid link):

Pros

• A fun way of getting in the mood
• “The game told me to do it” is a powerful thing

Cons

• Games don’t replace talking. You’ll have to start by getting your partner(s) comfortable enough to start the game to begin with.
• Some of these games are unnecessarily complicated / cumbersome
• Some challenges can get silly or annoying (be confident enough to skip them).
• Some challenges can be too much for some partners. Make it uncontroversial to skip them.
• Not all partners will be into games, so suggest them beforehand rather than springing them on the day.

4. Just go for it

via GIPHY

Sometimes you just need to jump straight into the deep end with no hesitation. Maybe a quick hello, can I take your jacket and then straight into kissing and fondling each other.

This will definetely be too much for a lot of people, but if you’re all just really horny and want to get the party started, this is a perfectly viable strategy.

Just be sure everyone is in agreement on this being the strategy beforehand. Otherwise you’ll end up making your partner(s) very uncomfortable and they’ll either go along despite not wanting to or reject you – potentially ending the evening right there.

Pros

• Very simple strategy
• No time wasted

Cons

• Either you don’t get to know them or you’ll have to do that afterwards – i.e., Hey, what was your name again?
• Not acceptable for most people
• Has to be planned out beforehand, as it’s a very aggressive strategy. You can’t do this unless you know your partner(s) is on board.

Attributions

Post image courtesy of Anders Jildén – thank you.

Commisions disclosure

Be aware, as an Amazon Associate we earn commision from qualifying purchases made through clicking recommended products in blog posts like this.

Open relationships are a different ballgame.

When you embark on an open relationship with your partner or partners, you really don’t know the rules. In fact, I’d venture the guess that for 100 randomly chosen open relationships, you’ll have almost 100 fairly unique sets of relationship agreements. If you want your open relationship to be successful, you better get a grasp on your mutual desires, experiments, rules and boundaries.

There will be some open relationship purests that’ll tell you any boundaries on a relationship is bad and that you should be able to do whatever you want. They’ll tell you things like “You can only give yourself boundaries – not other people”.

In my humble opinion, these people are wrong. This is an example of unethical non-monogamy. What we’re preaching here is ethical non-monogamy (ENM), i.e. the practice of mutually consentual non-monogamy in either a classic couple relationship or a more loosely defined poly relationship. The kind of open relationship that is actually sustainable long-term.

Whether you’re a monogamous couple considering opening up your relationship or you’re a new couple where both want to do an open relationship from day 1, these strategies will apply to you. For the sake of brevity, I will be assuming the most common example though, which is a couple going from monogamous to open. But for all intents and purposes, whether you’re one or the other doesn’t change much. You can take the same advice and apply it to your situation.

Desires first – boundaries last

If you’re embarking on an open relationship with your previously monogamous partner, you might be tempted to start off this conversation by saying something like: “I have to be okay with anyone you have sex with” or “Don’t hook up with anyone I know”.

Don’t do this!!

Starting with boundaries is not a good idea. You might get away with it, but more likely you’ll limit each other unnecessarily or create resentment down the line.

Instead always start with your desires, write them down separately and exchange lists.

It’s very important you don’t censor yourself here. Thinking your partner will be upset with something on your list isn’t a good argument for not including it. You’ll only be limiting yourself, fooling your partner and creating a potential resentment for later.

Instead try to give each other freedom to express desires in a non-judgemental space. Make it a point to talk about that in advance and agree to have an open mind and not hold a grudge about any desires the other partner turns out not to be okay with. It’s perfectably normal to not be okay with every single desire. You need to prepare yourselves in advance that some of your partner’s desires will likely stir negative feelings in you. This reaction is also normal, but remember not to resent your partner for those desires. It should always be okay to express desires.

Example – Jeff & Joan opens up their marriage

Let’s do an example. Consider a monogamous couple, Jeff and Joan. Jeff and Joan have been married for 10 years now. They have an adventurous sex life and have read about ethical non-monogamy (ENM). They’ve decided to try to open up their relationship and now have to determine what their relationship agreement will be. For this they’ll have to talk desires, define rules, create experiments and determine boundaries.

Each takes a piece of paper and sit in a quiet corner of the house, not discussing together what to write beforehand. After 30 minutes, Jeff & Joan swaps lists. This is what they wrote.

Now, as you can see, there is some overlap here. Jeff and Joan now need to go through each in turn and discuss them.

Dating profile

Both want to create a personal dating account, but Jeff wants it to show his real face and name, whereas Joan wants it to be anonymous. This is the first point of discussion, because Jeff’s choice to be public will obviously impact Joan, since people know they’re a couple.

Since Jeff hadn’t really fully considered the implications of going public anyway, he agrees to only create anonymous dating accounts. This is the first agreement in their new open relationship:

Rule 1: Any dating accounts we create must be anonymous

Swinger clubs

Jeff wants to attend swinger clubs. Joan asks if he wants to have her join him. He says yes – if she’s up for that.

Using experimentation and continuous feedback

Joan isn’t sure if she wants to. She doesn’t have the best impression of what a swinger is and fears it will be uncomfortable or too much. This is where controlled experiments come into play.

Joan agrees to do an experiment in which she’ll try to go to a club with Jeff and then evaluate afterwards whether that’s something she’ll want to do again. Thus we have our first experiment:

Experiment 1: Go to a swingers club together

Experiments are really important when opening up. Unless you’re very experienced you really don’t fully know what you are and aren’t into or okay with. You may have an idea, but usually that’s based on very little actual knowledge or experience. So instead of just saying no to your partner’s desires upfront, try instead to see if you can accept a controlled experiment.

As with any other experiment, the outcome is not known in advance and thus participants have to agree to accept the results of that experiment. Even when those results don’t fit the narrative one wants. So if Joan attends one or more events with Jeff and doesn’t like it, Jeff will have to accept that his ‘Going to swinger clubs’ desire needs to be re-evaluated.

An experiment that results in a negative outcome doesn’t necessarily mean that the relevant partner’s desire can’t be met. In some cases, partners can decide to try a new experiment, for example where Jeff could go alone or with one of his other sexual partners. It’s all about continously evaluating what works and what doesn’t work through experimentation and then coming to a consensual agreement.

Of course, there can be scenarios where a desire simply cannot be met. Either the desire is too much for your partner(s) regardless of setup or they want to satisfy your desire themselves, but simply cannot. For example, a timid male partner unconvincingly trying to take on the role as a BDSM-experienced dominant male.

In those cases the unfulfilled partner must decide if this is a dealbreaker or not. For established monogamous couples, dealbreakers are less likely than for more experienced singles looking for open or poly relationships. I would also in general caution against many dealbreakers, as it may be hard to find any meaningful relationship if you’re too demanding up front. Keep in mind, people change. You may not have the same desires a few years from now, your partner(s) may become better at satisfying them or they may have changed their mind about letting you explore those desires with other partners. So in general: Try to limit dealbreakers to things you simply cannot live without. If two years from now you end up regretting having accepted your desire not being met and you’ve seen no change, you can always break up with your partner(s) and look for new ones.

Multiple sex partners

Both Joan and Jeff have desires relating to having multiple sexual partners, albeit with slight variations. Jeff is focused on his friends-with-benefits (FWB) relationships with women being casual, whereas Joan is more focused on having long-term sexual relationships with the same male partners. This difference may be down to individual wording, or it may be due to an actual difference in opinion as to what is being desired. By stating these desires in their own words, they can more easily catch these differences and discuss them. With some luck, they may find out that they mean the same, even though they use different wordings. They may however also find, that their desires differ and now have to determine if both can be met individually or if they should make a compromise.

Let’s assume for this scenario, that Jeff wanted to keep it very casual with many different female partners over time, whereas Joan wanted to have the same male partners over a longer period, sprinkled with a few casual female hookups. Both are fine with this as long as only a few partners are active at any given time.

So they create the following rule:

Rule 2: We can have a few extra sexual partners at the same time, either the same people over a longer period or more casual hookups

Dealing with vague rules and consent

Notice the wording of “a few” rather than a specific number. Generally we would recommend consent is as specific as possible, but in this case both don’t actually know how many are too many – it’s a gut feeling in the moment. They’ll know when they get there. So instead, they could add an extra rule like the following:

Rule 3: We have to keep each other updated on who our active partners are

Now, this is a very classic ethical non-monogamy / open relationship rule, where the partners are only informed about new or changing partners, usually after the fact. This enables them to feel out if it’s becoming too much, but doesn’t provide much other control or direct consent. If Jeff and Joan wanted a more monogam-ish rule with more specific case-by-case consent, an alternative rule 3 could be:

Rule 3 (Alternative): We keep each other updated on, and agree to, any new potential partners

In general, if you’re going from a fully monogamous relationship and you don’t both have prior successful experience with fully open relationships, I would recommend starting with the alternative rule and perhaps working towards some flavor of the first version, when you’re both comfortable doing it like that. There are no right answers here – just what works for you.

Sometimes stating the obvious is better

When discussing multiple sex partners, Jeff might jokingly say something along the lines of “I’m of course also going to check she’s on the pill. Wouldn’t want to get some other woman pregnant”.

Joan may now be thinking – Wait? Is he not planning on using protection himself?

Here’s the thing: For Joan, condoms at all times is a no-brainer. But it might not be for Jeff or for some of their future sexual partners. Instead of just assuming certain rules are obvious, actually discuss them. You don’t have to put all of them in as firm rules if you’re both 100% on the same page. But do make a point of discussing these “obvious truths” with each other. Sometimes, having a firm rule may also make it easier to get sexual partners to comply, as breaking the rule would mean breaking a primary partner’s trust.

In this case, Jeff & Joan might opt to add a fourth rule:

Rule 4: All sexual partners must use condoms for all forms of intercourse (vaginal or anal).

Note that I didn’t add oral protections like condoms for blowjobs or dental dams for licking pussy. You could add those rules if you wanted to. They’re just not an example of “something obvious”, as the vast majority don’t use them and just accept the risk of STDs through oral sex.

Also another slight sidenote here: Be aware, rules like rule 4 may eventually be challenged as unfair, seeing as Joan and Jeff are not using condoms when they are together. This can especially be a challenge in more long term secondary or poly relationships. In those scenarios, condoms with new partners and regular testing may be a better option.

Group sex together

Jeff expressed a desire to have group sex with Joan and one or more of their female sex partners. This is a very common setup, that may also be a precursor to the open relationship itself. It’s seldom the case that a couple go for an open relationship before they’ve tried something like a threesome.

So let’s assume Jeff and Joan are fairly common and that they’ve already had a threesome with a woman before, but not with a man. So Joan is not opposed to this desire, albeit she wants to not limit it to her female sexual partners. She wants to have group sex with Jeff and her male partners as well.

This may not be to Jeff’s liking. Some people will feel that being okay with their partner having sex with others is not the same as being okay with actually seeing it. Jeff might not be particularly fond of some of Joan’s partners or may feel emasculated if her secondary partner is physically superior to him. These concerns may make Jeff hesitant to accept this change.

Now, Joan could rightly assert here that she’s literally in the same boat and is not complaining. She might not have been comfortable having to watch Jeff have sex with his female partners, nor comfortable being compared to them. So she’s being the bigger person here by not being jealous when doing group sex with women and Jeff should be better as well.

Don’t do this!!

Partners are allowed to react differently to the same circumstances. Often times we come with different baggage, different insecurities and different experience. Just because one person is okay with their partner doing something, does not mean that partner has to reciprocate.

In a case like this, where there’s varying experience, I would always suggest an experiment to get both partners up to the same level of experience. So that could be something like this:

Experiment 2: Have a threesome together with one of Joan’s male sexual partners.

Same goes here as for the other experiment. Joan needs to accept the outcome of the experiment. If it turns out Jeff isn’t okay with doing group sex with Joan’s male partners, she needs to then decide if she’s okay with a rule only allowing group sex between them and Jeff’s female partners. Ideally, this decision should in no way be informed by “fairness”, in that they are different people with different feelings – Jeff should not be punished for his feelings.

Dependent on the outcome of the experiment, they may create a rule concerning group sex or they may choose to include one matching Jeff’s desire straight away and then modify it later on after the experiment. Both of these approaches are equally valid.

Multiple romantic partners

Joan has expressed a desire for a secondary romantic partner sometime in the future. Upon reading this, Jeff may feel upset and jealous. He may become angry, but should try to control this feeling if at all possible. Desires should never be belittled or attacked. Instead he should express interest in understanding why Joan has this desire.

Let’s assume, for the sake of argument, that Joan’s desire stems from missing that initial spark of romance when interacting with a new romantic partner. Maybe she’s not looking for a “husband #2”, but rather a set of hot romantic summer flings, that will come and go. Jeff remains the primary partner and none of the secondaries are long lasting. This would likely be a significantly easier pill to swallow than a long-term polyamorous relationship, if Jeff has never considered such a thing.

If on the other hand Joan’s desire was a long term polyamorous relationship, Jeff might simply not be open to that at present and can’t consent. He might think he would never be okay with that, but here I’d caution him to avoid speaking in absolutes. He does not know what he’ll be okay with 5 years down the line. He might find his own secondary partner he catches feelings for and be the one to suggest a polyamorous relationship later on, rather than Joan.

So instead of just giving it a blanket ‘No’, they should either park it and re-evaluate in a year, or they should do an experiment. Given the big divide between their desires here, the experiment needs to be fairly benign in scope. An obvious thing to go for could be:

Experiment 3: Watch a polyamory documentary together

This may seem small right now, but it’s these small steps that help bridge gaps in desires without stepping on anyone’s toes. After an experiment like that it’s perfectly valid to create a new and more elaborate experiment, delving deeper into the subject matter. Eventually, Jeff & Joan may get to a place where they feel they can experiment with polyamory for real.

Primary priority

Jeff has expressed a desire to be Joan’s primary priority. Upon further discussion it’s revealed that what he means by this is that Joan prioritize time with him over her other partners. He doesn’t want to be sitting alone at home and hardly ever seeing her.

This is a very common desire in a monogamous couple opening up and realistically most couples will end up creating rules around this, unless they’re very experienced. A common example of such a rule:

Rule 5: We can only have two dates with secondary partners per week

Let’s assume Jeff & Joan created that rule. Now comes the next issue. Both Jeff & Joan are gone from their home two nights a week. What if they aren’t the same nights? That would end up meaning that Jeff & Joan only spend 3 out of 7 nights together per week. To combat this issue they create an extra rule

Rule 6: We must coordinate date nights, so we’re gone on the same nights

Now, realistically, this rule may not always be plausible. It’s highly dependent on the schedules of the people involved. Even if we assume it is though, Jeff & Joan need to consider what happens if one of their dates gets sick or has to cancel – can the other still partner still go? What if they can’t agree on which nights it is in a given week? These considerations don’t have to be hard and fast rules if both parties are fairly alligned. As long as they’re having the discussion beforehand, as this will eliminate a lot of conflict later on when these things eventually do happen.

For some couples, just starting with a single day per week or every other week could also be more than enough. That would make the planning concerns much less complicated.

Exploring BDSM with a secondary partner

Finally, Joan has expressed a desire to explore BDSM with a secondary partner. This is a surprisingly common desire many women have, especially when they desire a very dominant partner that can treat them properly as a submissive or slave. For some women, having their primary romantic partner take on this role simply does not satisfy the kink and is not believable for them. As such, the only way to truly explore BDSM for them is to do it with someone else.

Let’s assume Jeff is aware that he’s no dom and that he has no issue with such an arrangement. So long as he’s not made part of that play in any way, as he does not want to play the part of a submissive to any of Joan’s sexual partners (e.g., through hotwife/cuckold play).

Jeff & Joan could choose to create a rule 7 for this setup, worded something along the lines of the following:

Rule 7: We can have BDSM relationships with others, e.g. master/slave or dom/sub. These power dynamics must however not impact or involve our mutual relationship.

They could also choose to say this was part of Rule 2 and just either add an addendum or verbally agree that this is one of the ways in which Rule 2 could be used. You don’t need to write firm rules if you both fully agree and can remember the boundaries.

Bringing it all together and building a feedback loop

Jeff & Joan now have a set of desires, a set of rules and perhaps some experiments they have to go do together or apart. As a result they now have some understanding of the boundaries in their relationship, including what’s okay and what’s not okay. What they still have to realize though is this:

This is not the complete set of all boundaries in their relationship.

They may have covered most things, but not all.

Some things will be mutually understood, but unsaid. For example: “Don’t have sex with my sister”.

That’s probably one boundary most couples won’t have to discuss and actually write down. It’s not going to be inferred by any rule, but still probably safe to assume as a boundary for most couples.

However, it’s very likely that there will be other situations where both parties think they’re on the same page, but they’re actually not. These may not come up until they occur naturally, when one partner either does something that was over the line or suggests doing it.

For example, let’s say Joan thinks Jeff is okay with her having sex with one of his friends, but Jeff is most certainly not okay with that. Jeff may be lucky that Rule 3 is worded in such a way that Joan tells him about her intentions before she acts. But it’s probably more likely she will at least have made advances before Jeff gets wind of it. In this situation, Jeff’s feelings are hurt and he will feel cheated on to some extent. Joan overstepped a boundary she wasn’t aware of.

If Joan goes all the way and has sex with this friend before Jeff knows about it, he may feel downright betrayed and the act could even threathen their marriage – even though Joan didn’t technically break any of their relationship rules. The boundary was there, it just wasn’t expressed.

This is why “staying faithful” in open relationships is so complicated. It requires a ton of practice and careful continuous discussion to make sure you always have consent for what you’re doing together or apart.

You will fail eventually. You’re unlikely to have a perfect run where none of you ever cross a line.

How good you were at communicating and re-evaluating together will determine how succesful you are when you hit those boundaries or downright run past them.

For most couples, I would always suggest adding a base rule 0, which may help combat some of these issues:

Rule 0: If an experience is allowed by these rules, but explores new territory (e.g., new kinks, partner types, locations, scenarioes etc.) then discuss it together first before acting.

It’s conceivable Joan would have recognized neither of them had ever had sex with each other’s friends before and therefore discussed it first, realizing Jeff’s objection.

At the end of the day though, even with Rule 0 you’re likely to eventually experience hurt feelings or get jealous. This is normal. Use it to grow as a couple. Re-evaluate your desires, your rules and your resulting boundaries. Try out new experiments to help combat negative feelings in a controlled manner. Recognize that your partner is always trying to do what they think is right and that people make mistakes. Making a mistake is not the end of the world unless you decide it is.

In conclusion

The takeaways to remember here

• Always start with desires and be non-judgemental.
• When possible, do an experiment instead of saying no.
• The boundaries you determine are not complete and they are not static.
• You must continously re-evaluate your desires, your rules and any experiments.
• You must do this together, both on a scheduled regular basis and after experiences that may have moved you or changed desires/boundaries.
• You will eventually make mistakes – forgive each other and learn from it.

Do all of this and there’s a decent chance you can make this work in the long run. We’re rooting for you.

Attributions

Post image courtesy of Nik Shuliahin – thank you.

This is, extremely common.

Why? Just why the f***?

First thing to remember: You can get an erection without being horny and you can be horny without getting an erection. They’re obviously related, but there’s no strict one-to-one here.

I’ve tried this. Most people I know exploring open relationship styles have tried this. Most people have tried it more than once and have strategies for dealing with it. It’s normal and it’s more common when doing threesomes and the like, compared to just regular one-on-one sex.

But – why does it happen? Best I can tell, it happens because you’re so overstimulated and excited you have trouble relaxing. This lack of relaxation in your body makes obtaining an erection borderline impossible, regardless of how horny you feel. You’re horny and anxious at the same time – horny+anxious equals no erection.

How do I fix this?

So, first off, it’s normal and anyone experienced having sex with multiple people will know this. So you’ll probably find many are less judgemental about it than normal sexual encounters. But I know – it sucks. So you want to avoid it in the future. There are things you can do.

Find ways to relax in the moment

The worst thing you can do when experiencing ED is to try to force an erection while getting increasingly frustrated – that’s a surefire way of ensuring it won’t be showing up to the party.

What you need instead is strategies for relaxation if it happens during a sexual encounter. There are many ways to go about this and it will, to a large extent, depend on your specific anxiety and situation.

Say you’re doing a threesome with your partner and a third party. One option some use is to remove the focus from the third person and instead focus only on your regular partner for a short while. The third party can do their thing just fine with your partner, but your only personal focus is on your partner. The familiarity of your regular partner will likely make you relax more, getting you back in your groove.

Another strategy many use, especially in moresomes (sexual encounters with 5 or more people), is to take a step back and remove the penis from the equation. This can be done through, for example, using fingers or a tongue to stimulate someone, rather than your penis. By simply removing it from the active play, yet stil providing pleasure to their partner(s), many find this enables them to relax and get back into it.

Some close their eyes and fantasize about something or remember past experiences. Whatever works to get you relaxed again. Just remember – it’s not about getting an erection. It’s about being relaxed. The erection will come on its own when you’re properly relaxed, horny and getting stimulated.

Get healthier

This likely only applies to some of you, but if you do regularly experience ED and you are not the peak of physical fitness, I would suggest taking a hard look at your health in general. Things like high blood pressure, high cholesterol, low VO2Max (aerobic capacity) and high body weight can all cause erectile dysfunction.

If you know you have obvious improvement points on this front, perhaps try to improve upon them while trying other things. Even if they don’t help with this specific problem, they’ll likely benefit you in a multitude of other ways. For example, it’s generally a whole lot easier to attract new sexual partners if you’re more fit.

Do kegel exercises

Research shows that, just like women, men can benefit from kegel exercises to strenghten their pelvic floor. In fact a study from University of West of England showed that 40% of men regained normal erectile function after 6 months and 35,5% further improved their ability to hold an erection. Only 24,5% showed no improvement.

What are kegel exercises you ask? There are a number of different variations out there, but they’re all about tightening your pelvic floor while being otherwise relaxed and breathing normally. I’m not a physiotherapist, so instead of trying to come up with these exercises from scratch, here’s a professional on YouTube instead:

If you can only do one thing, doing kegel exercises is probably your easiest bet for improving your performance through “natural means”. It’s such an effective tool, there’s even a great book on it in Danish called “From worm to anaconda” – You can buy it here, if you happen to speak Danish.

Drugs

Disclaimer: I am not a medical doctor. The following does not constitute medical advice, but rather just anecdotal personal experience. Ask your doctor about all this stuff and only take my input as inspiration.

In an ideal world, we’d all do the first three things I just mentioned and we’d all have wonderful erections all the time. But in reality, most people are not getting enough exercise, aren’t good at relaxing and won’t remember to do pelvic exercises often enough. So what do you do?

Well… drugs. People take drugs.

Not the fun kind mind you. Nope, the “are you getting old and can’t get it up” variety. How, you might ask? You don’t normally have erectile dysfunction. Only during threesomes. So how do you get the drugs? Online perhaps? Nope.

In general, from the people we know, at least: They’re just honest with their doctors and get a prescription.

Take us for example. Our family doctor knows the basics of what we do. We’ve told him. Specifically because if he doesn’t know what we do, he can’t adequately advice us. Because we told him, he’s been able to continously provide us with the most accurate and relevant advice. One of the things he’s adviced us on: Which drugs to use in which situation.

Sildenafil (Viagra)

Ah the classics. Viagra, the blue bill. More accurately called Sildenafil (the active ingredient). This little wonderful drug is capable of making it easier to obtain and maintain an erection. Sildenafil will not automatically give you a raging hard-on, despite depictions of the drug doing so throughout movies and tv-shows. Instead it will make it easier to get that erection if you’re being sexually stimulated. You’ll also find it easier to maintain that erection, even if you’re a little anxious and even after having climaxed one or two times.

This is probably the most common drug for experienced people to have in their arsenal. It’s not a wonder-drug. If you’re really anxious, it won’t save you. But it’s a good backup drug to have in your arsenal when you need it.

Effects last a few hours, generally 2-4 hours. This will be enough for most short-term activities like threesomes, but likely not enough for full-evening moresomes, orgies or swinger parties. So keep that in mind if you’re taking the drug preemptively – don’t take it so early that you waste the most potent timeperiod when the drug is active, but you’re not. You can take a double dose (100mg) if your doctor says it’s okay, but it generally won’t extend the time period of the effect – only the intensity.

It has quite a few side effects as well and isn’t for everyone – so always consult your doctor. If you can use it, it will be a good candidate for your short-term solution to mitigate potential ED issues.

Tadalafil (Cialis)

Cialis – Viagra’s millennial counterpart. Once called “the weekend drug” by our doctor because the effects last much longer than those of Viagra. Specifically up to 36 hours. Like Sildenafil, it’s not like in the movies where you get a raging boner against your will and you can’t get rid of it. You still need to be stimulated and anxiety can still negate the effects – it’s just a bit easier to achieve what you want.

While sildenafil is a good short-term solution to preempt issues, tadalafil is a good long term solution for bigger events. The effect is less pronounced in my opinion though. It works – no doubt about that. But sildenafil is generally more intense. While taking sildenafil will all but guarantee I can last for hours, over several climaxes, tadalafil does not guarantee the same over 36 hours. The effects are also not equally pronounced over all the 36 hours.

I have both sildenafil and tadalafil in my backup toolbox, but I tend to go more for sildenafil than tadalafil, unless I know my demand will be for more than 4-5 hours on/off.

As with sildenafil – always consult your doctor. I’m not a medical professional.

Honorable mention: Spedra

While sildenafil and tadalafil are the bread and butter of drug backups, there are other newer kids on the block that promise more. One such drug is Spedra.

Spedra works similarly to the other two, but with a more mid-range effectiveness period of 17 hours and a much faster absorption, with the effect taking hold for some after as little as 15 minutes. It’s a pretty good drug. Only one big issue from my perspective though: Price. It’s a lot more expensive than both Sildenafil and Tadalafil – likely because it’s still a commercially branded product, so there’s no generic substitute to push down the price. In contrast Sildenafil pills are barely more expensive than tic tacs.

But if you like the idea of Spedra and don’t mind the cost, talk to your doctor about it. It is a good compromise between the other two drugs. Maybe that’s right for you. Or you can do what we do – have all of them for all the different situations we meet.

At the end of the day – you’ll likely find the solution for you is a combination of all the above fixes. There is no magic pill or perfect solution. All you can do is reduce the risk that you’ll experience ED again. Thankfully, the more experience you have, the less likely the effect is – simply because you’ll learn to relax more while around several sex partners at once.

Attributions

Inline images courtesy of Sander Sammy, Alora Griffiths and Myriam Zilles – thank you.
Post image courtesy of Kalep Tapp – thank you.

As a single person you’re at a bit more of a disadvantage when it comes to actionable advice. You can probably learn some insights from the other articles, but all in all it’s tough getting advice on finding a third, if you haven’t even found a second yet.

We got you covered though. Here are some tips on how to get a threesome as a single person.

Tip #1 – Be a woman

Yeah, this one may not be so helpful for many of you. Sorry!

But if you do happen to be a single woman, congratulations! Your odds of getting a threesome are very good indeed. In fact you’re pretty much set already.

Essentially, if you’re a single woman looking for a couple to have a threesome with you’re spoiled for choice beyond your wildest dreams.

Is your max pull normally a 6? – congratulations, when looking for a threesome you can bag an 8.. easily. Maybe even a 9 or 10.

Many couples are so desperate to find a woman for a threesome that you can literally choose any dating site, find a couple you like the look of and odds are they’ll be very interested to chat and check for chemistry.

There’s a reason females looking for no-strings attached threesomes with couples are usually referred to as ‘unicorns’. Most people feel they’re extremely hard to find, even borderline mythical (they’re wrong though, but that’s for another article)

Would we recommend going to a random site and banging the hottest couple there – No.. not really. But you do have that option. We’d suggest Tip #3 – even for women who could pick and choose. Guys however.. well.. your choices are basically only tips #2 and #3.. Sorry… Read on

Tip #2 – Go for a couple

A lot of guys reading out there are probably most interested in having a threesome with two women. Now, we get that. But realistically, finding two female strangers that both want to have sex with you, and each other, is a tall order. Sure, it’s not impossible – it’s just really hard.

Instead we’d suggest going for a fun lower hanging fruit, that may not be exactly what you had in mind originally, but may serve to get you there eventually. Namely, finding a couple looking for men.

There are many ways to go about this. You could go for an app like Tinder or Feeld (a lot of couples are on there), you could frequent a sex club (google sex clubs near you) or you could go to a dedicated sex dating site (there are different ones in most countries. A well-known Danish one is Scor – Comment down below with your favorite local one). Essentially, there are many roads to Rome here.

Is finding a couple as a single man going to be as easy as if you were a woman? No. Not even close. But it’s not unrealistic, especially if you know what your strengths and weaknesses are, and you’re not afraid to play to that. Are you really muscular? Show those abs. Do you have a big member? Don’t hide that fact. Can you be really dominant in bed? State that. Are you just the cutest most chill vanilla guy ever? Great, take lots of pictures of yourself in sweaters so the slightly insecure guy in the couple isn’t threatened by you.

Think about the fact that you’re not just convincing one person, you’re convincing two. The woman in the couple is only going to pick you if she’s attracted to you. You won’t attract women you wouldn’t normally be able to. So overall, you have little control there.

However, even if she thinks you’re attractive, her man might discard you because you rub him the wrong way or you don’t match their specific need for a third. If they’re an inexperienced vanilla couple looking for their first threesome, being as inoffensive, unthreatening and “normal” as possible is likely your best bet. If they’re a stag/vixen or dom/slutwife type couple, he’ll want a guy that’s good enough to have sex with his wife/girlfriend, but not so good that the guy outshines him. If instead, they’re a hotwife/cuckold type couple, they’ll likely want a guy who can be dominant with the wife/girlfriend and be passively or actively part of some level of mild to severe humiliation of the husband. There are many more kinks than just these, but those are common ones.

Determine which niche you can satisfy, find the right platform with lots of those couples and roll with it. If you don’t know which way to go, google the terms I wrote and watch a few hours of porn – you’ll probably get an idea. And hell, if you find your only option is vanilla, that’s okay too. It only changes which couples you target.

All in all, you should be thinking of yourself as a means for the couple to live out their fantasies. Be the enabler for them. That’s your best shot.

Now, at this point you might be saying “But Michael, how would having kinky sex with Tom and his wife lead to me eventually having sex with two women?” – I’ll tell you how: Stacking!

Tip #3 – Use “stacking”

“Stacking” is a term we made up for a practice we ourselves indulge in, as well as most experienced sexually open people we know. I want to say we coined the term, but that just sounds too pretentious.

It’s actually a really simple concept. It involves taking prior sexual experiences and treating them a bit like Lego bricks. Say you’re a single man who’s been on Tinder for a while. You want to try a threesome, but the opportunity hasn’t really come up. However, you have had casual sexual encounters with Lisa, Mary, Elisabeth and Tammy.

Now, say you knew that Mary was bisexual and Tammy was bicurious. Your easiest route to getting a threesome would now be to approach either Mary or Tammy and pitch the idea of finding a third together and that you might have a candidate. Say you approach Mary and she’s into the idea, you can now approach Tammy with not only the idea, but an actual woman she could have sex with if she wanted to with you. Since Tammy has already had sex with you and know you can satisfy her, the odds of getting a yes are a lot greater than with a random female stranger.

You can even take this one step further. Imagine you’ve already stacked twice. Your connections now look more like this:

The solid lines represent one-on-one encounters. The diamonds are stacked experiences, in this case two threesomes – one FFM (Female-Female-Male) threesome between you, Mary and Tammy, as well as one MMF (Male-Male-Female) threesome between you, Mary and her friend Peter, who she’s had sex with prior. You could now take all of this and pitch to Mary and Tammy that you bring in Peter for a foursome, creating this new stacked experience:

Finding people for foursomes, fivesomes, sixsomes (probably just called orgies at this point) would be very difficult without stacking, if not borderline impossible. This is how all the very successful sexually open people are doing it.

Also, having now had a foursome with you, Mary and Tammy, it would be perfectly reasonable for Peter to go ahead and have a threesome with Mary and Tammy alone. Something he may also never have tried before.
This is also where you guys from Tip #2 come into play and can lead to you eventually having a threesome with two women, even though you only had sex with couples. If you’d followed Tip #2, you might eventually get a network like this:

You’ve likely really enjoyed all of the threesomes, even though it wasn’t what you originally aimed for. However, Christopher & Lydia are special. You know they’re experienced and that they’ve had several threesomes beyond yours – several of them with women. Eventually, Christopher & Lydia will do what most experienced sexually open couples do – they’ll stack and suggest something like this:

As their reliable bull (also a sex term – google it), Christopher & Lydia saw it only fitting you get an invite to their annual Christmas sex party. An party at which you meet Maggy and Paulina – and can now take a page out of Peter’s book and make a new three-pronged stack.

Attributions

Post image courtesy of Stephen Leonardi – thank you.

When embarking on a sexual journey with new people, be it as a one-night stand, during a threesome or even group sex with half the football team, one issue often creeps in that makes it much more difficult than it needs to be: How do we actually get to the sex part?

Imagine you’re a couple. You finally managed to find that dream girl online and she’s actually agreed to experiment with you. None of you have done this before and you’ve already drank two glasses of wine, gone through all possible casual smalltalk, and you’ve even given her a full tour of the house. How do you go from this awkward sorry state to actually having sex with this girl? The answer: A fun sexy ice-breaker – in this case a late 90’s porn themed sex monopoly game called Loveretto.

Less hotels, more strip joints

Loveretto is not your nan’s Monopoly. For legal reasons I assume the makers of Loveretto would probably also prefer I don’t call it Monopoly

For the sake of illustrative clarity though, it’s similar in concept. You walk around a rectangular board, landing on properties as you go. If you land on a property, you can buy it (assuming you have the cash). When another player lands on the properties they then have to give you something. Unlike Monopoly however, Loveretto lets you pay with more than just money.

Consider the brilliant evening I have in store for myself here below, having a great time with Missandei from Game of Thrones (Nathalie Emmanuel) and Ryan Reynolds from anything Ryan Reynolds is in (this could totally happen – don’t squash my dreams internet!!):

At this point, we’re all set to play. All of us start out with $2400 and a lot of pent up sexual energy. It’s my turn, so I roll the dice giving me an 8 and giving me the option to buy my first property:

With the prospect of potentially getting a massage from Ryan Reynolds, I of course grab that puppy quick and fork up $440 dollars. Considering my own house cost me quite a bit more, this is a steal. Now it’s Nathalie’s turn. She rolls a 5 and gets a sushi place.

I think you see where this is going now? We keep running around the board, buying properties, until eventually this happens:

Ryan, being the fitness god he is, holds it for so sooo wonderfully long… mmmm…. those abs……… sigh…… I digress

I think you get the idea.

The good

In all honesty – the concept of this site works wonders for a lot of people who do not yet have the confidence to just throw themselves into these activities. We’ve successfully used the site more than 10 times, with both men, women and couples. In all cases it got the job done – often times quite early on, after the first few challenges that got the newbies to do mild stuff or have stuff done to them.

You have quite a bit of control of the experience, being able to not only set user info, game parameters (e.g., starting cash and challenge levels), sexual preferences for each user (including sexuality and specific fetishes), but also even the availability of specific props or toys. It’s pretty extensive.

You might be wondering: Why not just flirt and start touching? A lot of inexperienced people (most I would argue actually) aren’t comfortable being the first to initiate intimacy by touching, kissing, rubbing etc. By all submitting to the game (with the option of opting out of any challenge), you let people psychologically get over these barriers, so they can tell themselves “It’s not because I’m choosing to kiss Ryan right now – the game is telling me to”.

I can tell you from repeated personal experience – it works.. it works very well.

The bad

So here’s where it gets a bit awkward. I’m a fan of Loveretto really. But there are times when.. ehm.. it’s a bit weird

Property ownership is straight up marxist.

For some reason, the developers behind Loveretto decided they wanted to make sure people got an equal number of challenges. Rather than gaming the dice to make sure each person gets one of their properties hit regularly, they decided to do this:

So yeah, it’s literally not possible to get more properties than the other players. So whenever someone get’s one property behind, the game disallows all purchasing until the dice happens to let the lagging player get a new property. Turns out, when you play with multiple people, this happens a lot. It happens so much in fact that we’ve turned to “pre-loading” the game by rolling the dice a bunch of times and buying all the properties before taking any challenges. Be sure to reject the challenges it suggests though. Otherwise it increases the activity level, that determines how sexual the challenges are. Before you know it, the first challenge you actually take will be on the max activity level, probably involving anal probing and nine-tail flogging – best to avoid that.

If you don’t pre-load the game with all properties purchased, be prepared to play some actual Monopoly before playing the sexy version. Financial decisions and quotas will be a big part of the start of this thing.

At times, you’re basically just playing Monopoly

Even if you do pre-load the game though, you’re still in for a bit of Monopoly. I mean, why is this a thing? Why?

Our fix to this has been to set the starting cash to something ridiculous – like $20000. We still get $50 tickets for improper parking in front of sex clubs (yeah – I know), but at least the game doesn’t stop us buying stuff this way.

Some challenges are just.. cringe

Nathalia Emmanuel sucking her thumb like a baby ladies and gentlemen – I’m sure that hits at least one guy’s dirtiest fantasy out there.

Conclusion

All in all, while it’s very easy to pick on the tacky graphics, the weird game dynamics and the, at times, really really weird challenges – it’s a good concept done fairly well. It’s not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. But it’s decent. If you go into using it knowing its limitations, its idiosyncrasies can in themselves become ice breakers – people who laugh are more relaxed and people who are more relaxed have an easier time getting in the mood.

So try it out – just don’t take yourself too seriously while doing it. Before long the game will tell you to grunt like a pig or something and that veneer of seriousness will crack anyway.

Attributions

Post image courtesy of Maria Lin Kim – thank you.

Thanks to Michelle from Loveretto for making our threesomes and foursomes more fun.