When engaging in sexual activities, whether it’s meeting a new partner for the first time, inviting a third person for a threesome as a couple, or participating in a full-on orgy with ten people, taking the first step is often the most challenging.
How to go from pleasant hellos to high-pitched o’s? There a quite a few different strategies we see people using out there, including some we use ourselves.
Here are four strategies for getting the ball rolling with a new sexual partner.
1. Talk it out
Meeting new people can for many be stressful. Meeting new people you know you’re planning to have sex with is even more so.
So for a lot of new partners out there, even if you’re ready to just go for it, they probably aren’t. What you should do instead is treat it like any other date or dinner party.
If you’re at home then offer them a drink and give them a tour. Perhaps dwell on any interesting things in your home and tell them the story behind it. You can plan all of this stuff out in advance to a certain degree, so you know you’re presenting yourself in a good light and can make yourself and your new partner(s) relax. If you’re a funny type of individual, try to diffuse the tention with humor. No knock knock jokes or anything though – keep it natural. You’re not doing standup.
If you’re at their place let them set the pace at first. If they’re kinda droppin the ball on that, you can take the initiative instead and start off by looking around the room and asking about any of the items there. Maybe they have a weird souvenir from Barcelona on the shelf – ask them about it and get them talking. People tend to relax when they get in the rythm of talking about things they know and enjoy.
If you’re in public, perhaps at a bar, then normal dating rules apply. Ask about them, what they do, what they like to do etc. etc. You’re likely not going to have sex then and there, so ice breaking in public is less about getting the other person comfortable about having sex, but rather comfortable about going home with you. This is the same as any normal date.
Regardless of the scenario, when you feel like you’re both quite relaxed, look into your partner(s) eyes and compliment something about them. Maybe say something like “You have really beautiful lips. Mind if I kiss them?”.
As soon as that first kiss lands, that’s usually all you need. The ball will keep rolling from there.
Pros
- Eases partners into sex
- Allows you to get to know each other better
- Really good if you’re naturally extroverted
Cons
- Usually very time consuming (can easily take most of the evening)
- Can get awkward when you run out of things to talk about, yet you’re not feeling ready yet.
- Can be hard to judge when to “pull the trigger” and initiate sex
- Hard for very introverted people
2. Massage
While doing some talking to new partners is probably necessary, sometimes that just isn’t enough. Either you’re all too introverted to actually initiate sex during the evening or it just takes way too long and gets too awkward.
Instead what you can do is to ask beforehand if you can offer them a massage. Not only will most people be interested in that, it has the benefit of both relaxing your partner(s) and breaking the physical barrier. The distance between massage and sex is just not that big, so you’ll be able to fairly quickly get to the point where the partner receiving the massage wants you to touch them more intimately or wants to kiss you.
If possible, try to provide a full body massage, so you get as much physical connection as possible and so you can look your partner in the eyes during some of the massage as well (this is probably the most likely time for that spontanous kiss). Be sure to ask beforehand if there are conventional parts of their body they don’t want you to massage though, for example feet. Some people have an aversion to being touched specific places, even if it’s not sexual. So be sure to avoid those and remember to ask before letting your hands wander below where a professional would. He/she thus far only consented to a massage, not being fingered – so ask.
Of course this all requires that you actually know what you’re doing. Just as a good massage can get anyone in the mood – a bad massage will quickly put anyone off. You should probably focus on sensual or tantric massage techniques and do a bit of research first.
You could go look at massage tutorials on YouTube, like this one:
Or you could opt for more in-depth illustrated step-by-step material, like one of these books from Amazon, the first of which is available on Kindle as well (paid links):
You could also buy a massage table, but seeing as your goal is to end up having sex, your bed is probably fine unless it’s really soft. You will however need a good assortment of massage oils. Consider buying more than one type, as some may not be fans of a particular scent or ingredient. Here are some suggested options (paid links):
Pros
- Relaxes your partner(s) quickly
- Breaks the physical barrier quickly
- Acts as a form of non-sexual foreplay and can ease you into sex
Cons
- You need to learn how to give a good massage
- You miss the excitement of ripping each other’s clothes off.
- Not everyone will want a massage
3. Playing an ice-breaker game
Another great option is to use any of the many games out there specifically designed to break the ice.
These are games that usually involve giving challenges to one or more partners in the game, making them interact in increasingly sexual ways. Some of them just straight up give you the challenges, with no bells and whistles. Others package the challenges into a broader game dynamic, so as to make it more of a total experience with humor and more ‘get to know you’ type questions mixed in.
The benefit of a game approach to breaking the ice is that it takes some of the pressure of the people participating. It’s much easier to go kiss Janet if the game tells you to, than if you yourself have to choose to kiss Janet. The game giving you “an excuse” is exactly what many people need to break that initial reluctance to act.
As with so many other strategies that involve physical contact, you’re unlikely to get through an entire playthrough. As soon as people start touching and kissing, things usually flow by themselves and you’ll forget all about the game.
There are many different games to choose from, both on your phone/tablet, online and as physical products.
Online
There are a number of online options, e.g., Loveretto and Jadegreen.
Some of these have simple challenge structures, whereas others have bigger game dynamics. Take a look at our review of Loveretto, one of the better online options for multiple partners.
Phone/Tablet
If you’re looking for an option for your iPhone or iPad, consider trying out LoveGame, which supports multiple partners as well. It’s not free though, unlike Loveretto, so be prepared to pay to get more sexual challenges.
For Android the selection is in some ways bigger, but the quality is also a bit lacking. A few good options I’ve been told of are this one and this one. Be aware, only the later of these will support multiple partners. If you’re familiar with better options on Android or run into any in the future, please tell us in the comments. We’d love the suggestion.
Physical products
There are a lot of physical products providing sex challenges, however most are made for couples and not multiple partners. There is one I would recommend though, and that’s Couplicious. It’s especially good when playing more people together, but can also be used by just two partners. Unlike the online and mobile games though, challenges won’t be catered to the participants – so discard challenges that don’t make sense for your context.
You can buy Couplicious here (paid link):
Pros
- A fun way of getting in the mood
- “The game told me to do it” is a powerful thing
Cons
- Games don’t replace talking. You’ll have to start by getting your partner(s) comfortable enough to start the game to begin with.
- Some of these games are unnecessarily complicated / cumbersome
- Some challenges can get silly or annoying (be confident enough to skip them).
- Some challenges can be too much for some partners. Make it uncontroversial to skip them.
- Not all partners will be into games, so suggest them beforehand rather than springing them on the day.
4. Just go for it
Sometimes you just need to jump straight into the deep end with no hesitation. Maybe a quick hello, can I take your jacket and then straight into kissing and fondling each other.
This will definetely be too much for a lot of people, but if you’re all just really horny and want to get the party started, this is a perfectly viable strategy.
Just be sure everyone is in agreement on this being the strategy beforehand. Otherwise you’ll end up making your partner(s) very uncomfortable and they’ll either go along despite not wanting to or reject you – potentially ending the evening right there.
Pros
- Very simple strategy
- No time wasted
Cons
- Either you don’t get to know them or you’ll have to do that afterwards – i.e., Hey, what was your name again?
- Not acceptable for most people
- Has to be planned out beforehand, as it’s a very aggressive strategy. You can’t do this unless you know your partner(s) is on board.
Attributions
Post image courtesy of Anders Jildén – thank you.
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